"I bought colgate toothpaste because they don't sell crest here. The toothpaste is Triple Action. Blue is for cavity protection.White is for white teeth.Green is for fresh breath.The problem, you see, is that the green hasn't been coming out. I've got the white and then the blue, side-by-side but no green. I appreciate cavity protection and white teeth as much as the next guy, but is not fresh breath important? Am I walking around with stinky breath? Am I squeezing the tube wrong? I'm losing sleep over it."
"It's times like this that make me think...What would Bear Grylls do? And I'm pretty sure he would coax the green out of the little tube by possibly whistling a snake charmer's charming song. Remember patience is key. And work hard because I do know that fresh breath is NOT overrated."
"Oh, Bear. How I want him to parachute into my room."
"Mr. Bear may just pop in to see you. That is if he's not finding his way out of the Sahara with only the clothes on his back and a half empty cantine."
"Then we'll make a floatation device out of our pants and swim back to you, eating seaweed for nutrients, and Bear will catch & tie together five hammerhead sharks to pull us when our pants deflated. and when the sharks devour something, Bear will grab the bits & pieces & mash them together in the shape of a hamhock & then cook it on an underwater fire created by Nature, purely out of reverence for Bear."
"And then when you and Bear arrive at the coast of California there will be a giant cliff, much like the one in Princess Bride, and Bear will throw you over his shoulder and say "Hold on chipper" and climb up the cliff using his legs for lift of course. At the top of the cliff you will run into some wolves. At this point you will be well versed in the life of Bear and the two of you will tame the wolves (naming one after me) and make a sled with wheels because it is mountainous California, and be pulled home by your beloved wolf family. On the way home you will eat an eclectic variety of fruits and berries that will hopefully not give you the runs."
feed those fish!
You can call them Allison and Ann. They are the lamest fish you'll ever meet. Even their names are lame, as they were undeserving of cool ones. And they sometimes exhibit lesbian tendancies. Allison (the black/gold one) is a glutton. Ann (orange/white) has BM problems and she's always floating around the top, fighting to go down. Because of the BM issues, BAB and I have to defrost 2-3 frozen peas, peel them, then give it to the lamewads 5 days a week on average. What usually happens is that Allison swallows too big of bites then floats around for a few minutes, gasping and trying to barf it up. Then she barfs it up and swallows it again, repeating the entire process. I can't tell you how many times BAB and I have sat around watching this happen. It's usually during these moments in life when we look at eachother and think, "It's no wonder we don't have boyfriends."
Understandably shaken, I frantically searched her computer, trying to find some answers, hoping she found this stub on a sidewalk near the local middle school or something. And that's when I saw it. I didn't want to believe it, but there it was, searing into my brain, hurting my soul - a picture more offensive than Axe Body Spray commercials. Look closely. And try not to scream:
Oh, the humanity.