Ode to Jewie

This one's for Julie, who kept up the funny
Whilst I vacationed and ate combed honey

It's good Julie's blogging is not precarious
for my sister LeeAnne thinks she's hilarious

So this one's for Julie
You're the cooler than dry ice
Or even P. Diddy and definitely Bo Bice


she's coming back tomorrow!

truth be told, when she left we both almost started crying. especially at the part when i tapped on the window and she looked up at me from the street, and waved.


johnny carson joonya

do yourself a favor and stay up late to watch Jimmy Fallon. 90% of the time it makes me el oh el every time.



"Hey bro. Check out this squash I just harvested."

little house on the prairie

Ok, so Almanzo was a babe.
That Laura was one lucky pioneering SOB.
It was unfortunate what happened to her sister, though.


le tour

I wish Astana would change the team's jersey color from "aquamarine" to "clear."
or they should change the rules to: if you're not wearing the yellow jersey
then you're not wearing anything.


floor it

One's a speedbump. The other's a showoff.



Revisiting a rather lengthy conversation that occurred whilst I was in Australia for a month, regarding Bear Grylls and how we wish more than anything that they wouldn't use blurred censors when he strips down and does jumpingjacks to prevent hypothermia:

"I bought colgate toothpaste because they don't sell crest here. The toothpaste is Triple Action. Blue is for cavity protection.White is for white teeth.Green is for fresh breath.The problem, you see, is that the green hasn't been coming out. I've got the white and then the blue, side-by-side but no green. I appreciate cavity protection and white teeth as much as the next guy, but is not fresh breath important? Am I walking around with stinky breath? Am I squeezing the tube wrong? I'm losing sleep over it."
"It's times like this that make me think...What would Bear Grylls do? And I'm pretty sure he would coax the green out of the little tube by possibly whistling a snake charmer's charming song. Remember patience is key. And work hard because I do know that fresh breath is NOT overrated."
"Oh, Bear. How I want him to parachute into my room."
"Mr. Bear may just pop in to see you. That is if he's not finding his way out of the Sahara with only the clothes on his back and a half empty cantine."
"Then we'll make a floatation device out of our pants and swim back to you, eating seaweed for nutrients, and Bear will catch & tie together five hammerhead sharks to pull us when our pants deflated. and when the sharks devour something, Bear will grab the bits & pieces & mash them together in the shape of a hamhock & then cook it on an underwater fire created by Nature, purely out of reverence for Bear."
"And then when you and Bear arrive at the coast of California there will be a giant cliff, much like the one in Princess Bride, and Bear will throw you over his shoulder and say "Hold on chipper" and climb up the cliff using his legs for lift of course. At the top of the cliff you will run into some wolves. At this point you will be well versed in the life of Bear and the two of you will tame the wolves (naming one after me) and make a sled with wheels because it is mountainous California, and be pulled home by your beloved wolf family. On the way home you will eat an eclectic variety of fruits and berries that will hopefully not give you the runs."


the secret life of bees

we know all about bees because last summer we sat on our porch eating a bucket of sunflower seeds and we observed the migration pattern of this particular bee who would fly off and come back with a leaf and climb in a little hole near our feet and then one day we were sitting on a sidewalk and a bee kept buzzing all up in our grills and then i was all, "He's got a leaf." and then Bab was all,"Great. We're sitting on his hole." and indeed we were.


TeenageMutantNinjaTurtles was more believable

Brittany says I ruined Transformers the day I said, "Let me get this straight. They're aliens - robot aliens - and they're floating around in space, and their spirits have embodied cars?"

Well excuse me for demanding a tad bit of logic be woven into the fabric of the movies I watch.


things just got a little more awesome here at BFFL

Hey everybody! All 4 of you! Scroll down 3 clicks and
feed those fish!

You can call them Allison and Ann. They are the lamest fish you'll ever meet. Even their names are lame, as they were undeserving of cool ones. And they sometimes exhibit lesbian tendancies. Allison (the black/gold one) is a glutton. Ann (orange/white) has BM problems and she's always floating around the top, fighting to go down. Because of the BM issues, BAB and I have to defrost 2-3 frozen peas, peel them, then give it to the lamewads 5 days a week on average. What usually happens is that Allison swallows too big of bites then floats around for a few minutes, gasping and trying to barf it up. Then she barfs it up and swallows it again, repeating the entire process. I can't tell you how many times BAB and I have sat around watching this happen. It's usually during these moments in life when we look at eachother and think, "It's no wonder we don't have boyfriends."


the room's spinning... from all the gayness

A few months ago BAB disappeared for 2 days. I wasn't too concerned because I was high. And she returned before I remembered she was gone. BAB is now going to be gone for 2 weeks, so I took the opportunity to snoop around her room and look for loose change. My mistake. Something in her diary caught my eye and I was appalled to find this:

Understandably shaken, I frantically searched her computer, trying to find some answers, hoping she found this stub on a sidewalk near the local middle school or something. And that's when I saw it. I didn't want to believe it, but there it was, searing into my brain, hurting my soul - a picture more offensive than Axe Body Spray commercials. Look closely. And try not to scream:

Oh, the humanity.


I guess I shouldn't have been too surprised, considering what her room looks like.


thanks, Morgan Freeman.

Remember this?

Derek Redmond didn’t finish in first place in the 1992 400 m.
He didn’t finish in second.
Or third.
Or fourth.
He, and his father, finished dead last.
But he and his father finished.

Yeah. now quit crying.



Guess who wasn't blessed by a rabbi.

heroic deeds

Bab and I just got back from what felt like the longest journey of our lives. It is a harrowing tale and it would probably take like an hour and 33 minutes to tell, but in real life it sometimes felt like it would never end. All that you gentiles need to know is that we succeeded. You can all sleep sound tonight. You're welcome.


YOU try and hate him

"When I worked at that Jewish boys summer camp they did these fake weddings all the time and there was this gay guy who really wanted to marry me. It made me really uncomfortable."

"That's weird."

"Yeah. We ended up getting married."