We're done with September.  

so don't expect anything from us.

i doubt that very much

Who would want to go to a Rockies game in a limo instead of staying home with me, watching crappy movies, staying sober and trying to find my cell phone?  Not to mention I cooked a really gross dinner and there's fruit flies in the trash.

ah nuts

I had this big party all set up for The Office season premier, but I guess it doesn't start until next week.  If you'll excuse me, I have to go take down my streamers.

i miss bab.

Coup!

As a professional cat-sitter, I have many a run-in with the cleaning lady.  In my opinion, help should not mix; we could plan a rebellion.

Ye Be Warned.

I feel it is my duty, as a model citizen, to warn all of mankind that the squirrels are getting frisky. As a dear friend Jeff Carson would say, "You better washout." Some of you may think I jest, so I have chronicled the horrific experience that happened to me the last time the squirrels got frisky.

B.A.B. says it's only a matter of time before they start walking on two legs.

A stranger. From the outside. ooooooo.

Milestone in BFFL blogging history. An intruder who is not Jay Hardy, brittany, or myself has commented. I believe the words were "Too funny."

Story of our lives.

give us a hug

Well, it finally happened. You can't watch the Shrek Trilogy as many times as we have without mutating.

I hate Hogwarts and I hate all of you. I'm never coming back to the school of witchcraft and wizardy! Never!

It has been decided that i would be in Hufflepuff.

Now if you'll excuse me, i must go eat a non-magical little debbie, then hang myself.

Championships have to be won on their own. It's a rule.

When were out the other night, the Angels were on TV and Julie started to flap her arms.  I took it to mean there were angels in the outfield.  She told me if they win the Pennant her dad might come back and love her again.  Maybe Danny Glover will adopt her and also her quiet, adorable sidekick: me.  

And Who's the Boss will babysit us.

BAB cut my hair tonight. She did a good job.

I liked the part when she sang pretend opera. I didn't really like the part when she pretended to cut off my ear but then really did cut off my ear. It was my left one. My good one.

"I'd like to solve the puzzle... Black People."

It'd be fun to be really smart and personable and go on the game show circuit. "I did Wheel of Fortune, Jeapordy, Price is Right, Who Wants to Be A Millionaire and Wipeout. Wipeout wasn't so fun, I broke my nose."

I wish our Little Person was more like this and less like, "Out mah face, bitch."

It's harder than it looks

Ever try doing the Peanuts dance?  Yeah, well try and do the feet part too. Good luck.

I want one.

Mumus look like heaven.

no love

No one, and I mean it, has an affinity for racquetball like me and J. All the a-wipes keep ditching us, and if they keep it up, they're gonna get fat. So if anyone out there wants to play with 2 funny ladies bring a partner and we'll see you at the courts.



*Must be able to answer one question: Who is the greatest racquetball player in the universe?

I'll take "The rapist" for 200, Alex.

If you're as good looking as me and BAB, then you must obtain a certain level of constant vigilance. Also, you must have a plan of attack if a lady, such as myself, were to find herself being attacked. One of our greatest plans of defense was to latch on to one another, while the kicking part of the defense lay in the hands of BAB, and the gouging part rested upon my broad shoulders. This was all good and dandy, but who wants to put in that much work? Nobody, that's who. So, we found a more desirable plan, deciding that if a rapist ever were to jump out of the bushes and attack us, we'll say, "Go ahead and do it." and in this way we give consent, so then it's not rape and then the rapist won't be interested in it anymore because we've sucked the fun out of it, thereby sticking it to him.

THREAT neutralized.

now you're all in big, Big trouble

I've been told, more than once, that just because one quotes a movie doesn't mean one recently watched it.  But this lady keeps drawing conclusions when the same movie is being quoted more than once within mere hours. 

Examples: "If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis."

   Story about group wanting to do an academic decathlon

   "I hate cursive and I hate all of you! I'm never coming back to school, Never!"

So sue me.

we're done with the woods

"Don't."

TADPOLES! TADPOLES IS THE WINNER!!

Let it be known to all that tadpoles are no longer in season. We know this because we went and looked for them but all we found was

a) misquito larvae

b) nosey little boys who ask nosey little questions

c) a dead mouse.

If you're in the market for any of those things, by all means - go to the local watering hole. but tadpoles are no longer in season, so don't bother trying to bring them for show-and-tell.

had to be changed because mean people don't deserve to be in this blog. especially mean people that aren't funny. and especially mean unfunny people who owe us a buttload of monies.

sweet sweet tv

TV could take us down.  With only 2 channels JAN and I were still able to waste hours watching tv last night.  I mean, how else am I supposed to raise my future children without Super Nanny?  And after it was all over, what did I want?  More tv!  Oh it's sick sick sick.  I think the fact is, if we got cable we would never leave the blow up mattress couch.  

i'll be right here

When bab sleeps, I usually creep in and stand guard over her, breathing heavily. when she wakes up startled and weirded out, i say, "sssh... Don't worry. I'm here. Always." and then i laugh and i laugh, in the evil way that can sometimes be comforting to a person who feels threatened.

Remember that one time in Starsky & Hutch when he was like, "It's a floater. Nothing's harder to solve than a floater"?

consider me miles davis

Once upon a time, i got a whiff of some rankness that was beyond compare. The stink stank exactly like toejam from the dirtiest of toes. As i kept whiffing, i found it was not my feet. It was not the trash. It was not anything you'd expect to be stinky. The funk was coming from my pen. Ask me not why, for I have no answer. All I know is that every time I sniffed it, it made me gag a little. After I sniffed the pen more times than was neccessary, I decided the stink was indeed stinky and needed to be shared with the nostrils of another. So i went to bab and told her to "get a whiff of this pen." And i stuck it right up under her flared nostrils, where it remained for 4 seconds before her face squinched up and she said, "ewww. throw that thing away." It was exactly at this moment that i began laughing. Hard. A little too hard. And peed my pants.



The end.