I'm Staying Young Forever!

Remember that movie Cocoon that you saw on tv that one Saturday?  Well in our apartment parking lot we have our very own Cocoon.  I have documented it as follows:

I will be rolling this into our pool where I will swim and stay young and sassy.  Eventually the aliens will come and take me away to live a wonderful life as their experimental specimen.

When I got home today, I had a hitler-like stache of dirt on my face.  Boy, I hope it wasn't there all day.

You run 8 miles a day? Well, see I'm a sprinter so we just run 400 meters

I don't think a 48 year old "sprinter" should talk running with a marathoner it just seems unbalanced.  

Talk About Stank

How did I know there was reefer in that Jeep?  1 dude in jammie pants, tie-dye t-shirt, long hair, beard, flip flops, and head band.  1 dude with headband, long hair, dirty clothes.  And what gave it away for sure - reek of pot.  

That dude's future.

Biking in the wind in Ft. Collins is probably as hard as having a baby.

"I appreciate this show because it's about a fat guy who has a fat wife."
"...That's a blog right there."

some of the lamest conversations i've ever had have been while getting my haircut at Great Clips.

highlights:

"So... uh... what do you do with all the hair?"

"We just throw it away."

"Yeah, I guess you wouldn't make sweaters..."

.

"You have really thick hair."

"I know."

"I have a scar on the back of my head, it's not sensitive."

"What's it from?"

"Uh... I don't remember."

(actually it's a birthmark, but I thought it'd be cooler to say it's a scar. unfortunately for both of us, i hadn't rehearsed a cover-story)

"Mama was in vaudeville, you see."
"Right..."

"What kind of shampoo do you use?"

"Finesse."

"That's why you have a dry scalp."

"What kind of shampoo do you use?"

"Herbal Essence."

"That's why you have a dry scalp."

"What Kind of shampoo do you use?"

"Dove."

"That's why you have a dry scalp."

today when i got my haircut, i swear the lady was trying to rip my birthmark off my head with her comb. i didn't mind that much because she was the silent type and it saved us 45 minutes of lame conversation.

I have no knack for business

If only I had purchased 10,000 of those Liberty Bell stamps at 41 cents.  As of today I would be making 3 cents on the stamp.  My investment would have increased by $300, that's almost a whole month's rent.  Biggest opportunity I ever missed out on.

#10 HAVE FUN!!

As I am about to embark on 3 weeks of solitude, I take out my 10 Rules of Karate list and refresh my mind.  I must remember #5 Maintain an Indomitable Spirit.  And I can't forget #2 No Junk Food.  If these 10 sentences of wisdom weren't hanging on my wall, I doubt I would be able to stay away from things like fighting with siblings and I might struggle with #9 Be Loyal to Your Country.  So thank goodness I'm well equipped, now jan can go on her journey knowing that I'll probably survive.

It's ten simple steps to kicking someone in the throat.

I aint as pretty as I used to be but god damn it I'm still standing here and I'm The Ram.

Last night I had a dream that I was asking The Wrestler how he dyes his hair.

The dream concerned me for two reasons:
1) Why would I ask THE RAM for hair advice? His mane isn’t exactly something I should aspire to.
2) Mickey Rourke!? That pervert? Get outta mah dreams, sir.

The whole dream felt dirty and uncomfortable in the same way it felt dirty and uncomfortable to watch the movie and find myself being attracted to his old, dirty abs.

jagged little pill

I wish I could still listen to Alanis Morissette with the same
renegade spirit, like I did in 3rd grade.









oh to be 8 again.

i can see your nuts

i once had this teacher who told his wife if he ever lost his mind to just drive him deep into the woods and drop him off and leave him there forever because he wouldn't know the difference.

you know he'd be naked after so long in the wild and he'd scare hikers every so often with his crazy nakedness, eventually becoming a legend told at slumber parties by little girls who had already tried (and failed) to do "light as a feather, stiff as a board."

my question to you:

WHO NEEDS TO BE CRAZY?

I'M DONE WITH SCHOOL!!!

ode to a frankfurter

i love summer. mostly because it means i get to eat hotdogs all day every day.



speaking of hotdogs - here's a song from my childhood:

In the bedroom, the mighty bedroom,
John Bobbitt sleeps tonight.
In the kitchen, the mighty kitchen,
Lorena gets a knife.
A-weenie-whack, a-weenie-whack,
A-WEENIE-WHACK, A-WEENIE-WHACK...


it's more of a hotdog-hate song, but i still like it.

a convo with our new best friend "jerry the safeway clerk"

Jerry to other clerk: "Can I get some bags from you?"

Us: "We can just carry our stuff."

Jerry is despondent: "But I just got all these bags for you."

Us, hearts melting on the spot:  "Aw, Jerry!" 

I'd like to thank whoever had the brilliant idea to paint Colorado's roads with non-reflective paint for making us have to drive like a bunch of terrified little bitches when it rains.

blueberries everywhere!

One time Julie had a box of super blueberry muffins, which usually comes with 2 cans of berries, but ours had 3!  So with our extra can we made blueberry waffles.  And that's a true story.

What Do We Eat??

We have the stinkiest trash in the world.

HEY EVERYBODY!! I got 8 hours of sleep last night!








Tonight, i'm going for 11.

in the words of Drew Barrymore in the hit film titled ET: "Whaaaat's haaaapeniiiing?"

finals used to just turn me into a monster. a napping, grouchy, crying monster with unkempt hair.

but now... it's turned me into an insomniac. and i'm losing it. i'd much rather be the monster. do you hear me? I'D MUCH RATHER BE THE MONSTER.