and don't you come back no more

B and I feel very protective of Brendan Fraser. So, take whatever insolent comment you were just about to make about this precious fool and moonwalk on outta here. I mean it. Right now.

Randy Johnson Retires

I'll miss that ugly mug.

cannonball!

you know the person you're hanging out with is having a good time when he turns to you and asks, "have you ever thought about your own funeral?"

thanks, i guess.

these days when we visit BAB's grandparents, we fix our hair and put on make-up and change out of our pjs, lest Mam-ma says, yet again, "You just need to be who you are in life."

which we now realize means, "It's alright by me if you two are lesbians."

She's #1 in the 18lb weight class

You'll be crying "Uncle!" within 10 seconds of this little lady saying "Do you want a piece of me?"

by the axe of Gimli!

Jay H. H. III is one of those cool mofos who
can attend a testosterone-fueled, borderline inappropriate
"guys' weekend in the mountains" and KEEP HIS SHIRT ON.





that's why we love him.

my kindred hair-spirit

"The Snarl"
How to do the do:
1) never brush hair
 2) take a lot of naps
                       where you flop around           
                       3) don't fight it, embrace it        

pretty much sums up every hanging-at-the-bar experience we've ever had

Dale: Don't mind us, we were just Riverdancing.
Us: We Know.
Dale: YOU KNOW Riverdancing?
JAN: Michael Flately.
Dale: WhOA! You really know Riverdancing. You even know his name.
BAB: Don't even get her started.
Dale: Oh my.
JAN: Fine, I used to have a crush on him. So what. I was 8. He had a tattoo. He was a babe.
Dale: WHOA! You're blushing. Ooohhoohoh.
JAN: I'm not ashamed. He was athletic! It's better than Brittany's secret crush: Dr Martin Luther King Jr.
Dale: WHOA!
BAB: He was an ACTIVIST.

where does the funny go?

sometimes after i write something provacative yet hilarious i feel that after i click "publish post" my brain workings go out into a great mysterious void, never to make human contact.

it has been foretold

one day us two will take our canoe and paddle out and claim an island as our own. but then we will disagree on the name of the island and we will start a war. and our species will die out. because of our ignorance.

failure to thrive

I hate it when I start a story and immediately realize how feeble it is but I have to continue because the person I'm talking to is looking me in the eyes.

"We tried to go camping once but everything failed, and we ended up going to Horsetooth and eating the watermelon on the shore in the new folding chairs we just bought specifically for the camping trip and yeah. I wish I could go to Bora Bora!"

[Julie puts plugged-in phone charger in mouth]

"Look, Brittany! I'm charging myself!"
"If you electrocute yourself, I'll be so pissed off at you."
"Wha?"
"I'd drive you to the hospital, but I'd hate you."

"Have you ever seen The Deported?" "Is that like the Mexican version of The Departed?"

BAB and I recently sat down for our annual viewing of "The Departed." And, sure, we may not understand it all, but I'll tell you what we do understand: fine pieces of ace.

I wish I had never learned Gene Kelly was such a mean director

"She was probably so scared filming this scene."
"Yeah, I bet if she messed up Gene Kelly would smack her."

Fleetwood Mac and Cheese

I never understand Before and After puzzles on Wheel of Fortune, which is why I try to never watch it.

through the valley of the shadow of death

Snowshoeing was the BEST! Everything went swimmingly! We didn't get stuck in a snow drift for an hour! We didn't go get lost in the woods! We didn't have to hike up a mountain in the dark! We didn't cry really really hard when we finally made it back after 4 hours! Finally, things are looking up for BAB and JAN.

i'll believe in anything, if you believe in anything

you just pour it in and wish really hard for it to pop

"i wonder what he hated most about hanging out with us?"

"oh, there are so many possibilites."

"it was probably when we made him floss."

OMG OMG OMG

brittany's brother-in-law sent me a thank you for always being really loud when i'm at his house. i was pretty excited about it. as i was reading, i discovered an encrypted message that has left me shocked and elated. looka here:

holy moley. i knew it. eyan, if LeeAnne is forcing you to look at this while she reads it aloud, know this: i've been waiting for this letter my whole life.

I had a friend who tried to get drunk off those little liquer chocolates.

I'm pretty sure JAN beat the world record at Old Chicago yesterday, we just can't remember.

parents

my mom always tries to tell me and BAB
that they weren't hippies.
this is a photo of their wedding day.

i don't know what is more hippie about it: that they were married in a field, or that they weren't wearing any underwear.

resolution: quit being an idiot

my inability to listen to people if i'm doing something else, like breathing, is a burden on my broad shoulders that i'm beginning to realize has often skunked me. even worse is my habit of answering people as if i know what they just said. it has lead to many awkward situations. like that one time when a guy came up and tried to talk to me while i was counting the number of times i heard his jaw click, and the next thing i know, i'm a member of Jews for Jesus, and i'm passing out fliers outside of the Hebrew Educational Alliance.

imagine their disappointment in me when i confessed after 3 months that i had always been a fan of Jesus. have you ever felt the scorn of a Rebbe? it's like when your grandma says, "shame on you," but a billion times worse because of the beautiful curly beard.

You Don't Like Kevin!!!

Two goblins I found on the street, put a few signs up for their owners to find, and ended up giving to my sister.

a hero is born out of a childhood trauma.

i fear that the young man who kept coming back to watch us play racquetball today may have seen through our secret identities.

we should have played more cautiously.

my neck

today, as i was skipping out to the mailbox, i noticed the sky was delightfully glorious.
and then i ate it on a sheet of ice.

it's only day two of 2010... it's going to be a long year.

do you feel like we just missed out on the one thing that could have redeemed this trip?

"And we'll be like City Slickers."
"Who will you be?"
"Billy Crystal."
"I'll be the guy from Home Alone."
"The one that cheats on his wife?"
"I'll be the 3rd guy. Who hates his life."
"Perfect."