You don't know if it's me or BAB writing this!

Today, my shower toot smelled just like Oscar the Grouch.

You'll find someone someday

"It's like they're saying 'Don't worry, somebody will stoop to marry you eventually' to you."

Exactly.  So don't say it peeps.

A terrible way to spend my time.

My new biggest fear is bed sores.  They can open to the bone and you have to pack them with gauze.

I get to thinking about how much I sit at work and wonder if it's possible to get them when you're not bed-ridden.

Then Modest Mouse is Chucky Cheese

"Kevin said that Mumford&Sons is like the Country Bear Jamboree! Turd."
"Hm... I've never heard of them."
"What? Yes you have."
"I don't think I have their CD... Country Bear Jamboree?"
"No - it's not a band! It's that dumb show at Disney World!"

Bare necessities

I'll let you guys figure this one out.

Bodyguarding

"What award is she winning?"

"An Oscar."

"I thought she was a singer."

"She's a singer AND an actor Just like. In. Real. Life!"

I finished a giant size can of nasal saline spray.  Lord help me.

Was it extra broccoli?

"Everybody remembers that one year in high school when they had really great poops.  Who knows how that happened?"

                - JAN

Spotlight

The zumba instructor tonight was so impressed with my moves that she shouted out and asked, "Julie! Were you a dancer?!" And I shook my head and messed up my foot work.

I didn't want to brag in front of everyone, but yeah, I was a dancer. A hell of a dancer. Tap. For about 1.5 months - just long enough to get my chubby mitts on some of those sweet sequined costumes.

I gotta say - I'm flattered she thought I was good enough to have once been a dancer - who has since had 3 kids and let herself go. Thanks for the ego boost!

Cracker carnage

There was some sort of great animal massacre going on at the bottom of the bag I keep in my desk at work. I never knew! So many unattached hooves.

Robyn and I could only say, "Wha?!?!"

To a friend's tale of, "I've only been roofied twice."

Even I can't believe

I have a white girl crush on Pitbull.

Pope Jan

A guy at work told me he was sorry I didn't get picked by the Cardinals and for a brilliant/terrifying moment, I thought Oh shiz, he reads the blog.

But then I realized he probably knows me well enough to know I'm the type of broad that would talk about being a good pope.

Oh well, I accept the defeat. I didn't know I was competing with a bonafide saint!
Hi, Pope Francis!

Loci

Look, Egypt, you know things aren't so hot in your country when a plague of locust is not the worst thing that's been happening.

 

 You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Co-worker

This little guy was just hanging out on my shirt, acting like a piece of lint. I let him outside and said, "Don't you ever come back, if you know what's good for you."

The directions: When using 4 by 5 block use B holes.

 100% of the time I giggle to myself and say, "B-holes"

The flash on my phone is TOO bright!

 It took a lot of guts to put these pictures up.

That one guy who wasn't as good as Jordan

Hey Korea! Jokes on you! He's your problem now. 





Suckaaaaaas.

She's the queen

Yep, the last few years have brought big changes, and I'm sure the next few hold the same fate. But I'll tell you one thing that has stayed the same: we have to see each other at least once a week or else the world starts tilting a little too far and our motivation to floss slips away. And, yeah, we've had to fight to stay together this long, but that's what you do when something is so important to you - fight for it and protect it and send a daily email to tell it how you can't quit crying as you're rereading H.P.

Happy Birthday, BAB

I love being your best friend.

Forever. Life.

The saddest thing I ever read

"When did Bobby get so chunky?"

"When he lost 5 pounds from being fat."

Different Strokes

Sure, I "oooh"ed - as was my feminine duty - over the jewel-encrusted Valentine's bracelet that my coworker donned. And sure, she said "cute" when I told her I got a tray of ikea cinnamon rolls. But you know we both walked away thinking "Poor chump!"

Video game lovers.

Don't try to converse during cow-frogger.

Chili rellenos

that my mom doesn't remember adding bacon to.

Thoughts of a 3rd grader whose nano baby has been banned from school.

"I gotta feed my baby.  She's probably shitting all over the place!"

Stand up Richard Pryor

Man, the people in the audience think he's a riot, but I'm being honest when I say I can not understand a single word. Are they really picking up what he's laying down? I can only image they're laughing so hard so often because he has lit a little piece of himself on fire again.