Aunt Maggie to her daughter's boyfriend when he asks if she needs help in the kitchen

"Please find the smallest tomato in this bowl.

Now give it a name."

Mexico vanilla

JAN read us the story aloud in exchange for future cookies.

calling all lamewads, your ride is here.

[After BAB says what college dorm she was in]
"Wasn't that the abstinence hall?"
"Yes... but I didn't know going into it!"
[JAN chortling]
"And Julie, I remember you in class wearing your american flag bandana!"
[Stops chortling]
"Yeah, well... itwasverypatriotic..."



[bab and jan humbled & thinking, son of a bitch.]

A real friend cares

"I think I need to stop eating sugar right before bed."

"Oh man, I thought you were going to say you were going to stop eating sugar altogether and I was like, 'NOOOOOOO!!!'"

A laboratory blow dryer

lol

Look for the grease smudge

This is from when I went to check if I parked in the lines but forgot I had already rolled up my window.

doggy paddle

You know why Boulder is flooding so don't be so shocked - all the hobos that sleep in the gutters, blocking the sewer grates - it was practically foreboded in the Bible.

the majority of those guttersleepers are just history-major dropouts whose dad finally caught on that they never bought text books with all those checks and won't send them more money for weed so they're growing a beard and will refuse to cut it even for the family Christmas photo. 

Rain Day

I may be trapped in Ft. Collins due to "' Biblical' Flooding," but I got to go home from work early!

(It's currently pretty dang sunny)

bab: "We're closing at 11!"

jan: "You asshole!"

"I call dibs on the snout!"

Upon hearing there was to be a pig-roast, JAN claimed the snout for herself.
Upon calling the pig snout for herself, JAN immediately regrets calling the pig snout.

the candy aunt can

I'm on a quest to find awesome candy that I will always have in my pockets or purse for my niece! I'm an aunt now, world! And i don't ever remember my aunts having awesome candy waiting for me in their pockets. Probably because i was the last of the cousins and they had spent their wad on the older bunch. I do have one really early memory of my aunt pulling me in a raft along the shallow ocean shoreline, and then a wave came and capsized the boat and i got trapped under it for a while. My aunt felt pretty terrible and carried me back to the house & I made sure to cry the whole way, probably because i was so pissed off. Candy would have greatly altered the outcome and my recollection of the event. Even now, I'm still pissed about all that saltwater I gobbled.

I vow never to almost drown my niece and not have penitence in the form of candy readily available.

Notorious flight almost-missers

My dad was worried we wouldn't wake up in time for our flight to FL.
   JAN told him to slap me and it would wake us both up.
He asked how hard he should slap me (through giggles), she promptly replied, "Medium to hard."

That sign to the right says "No Stopping" and I'll admit, we were nearly stopped, hehe!

Eat more salad

it really helps clean the pipes.

best chapter title ever

I'd tell you who Jenkins is and how he ruined her childhood, but you should probably just do yourself a favor and read about it on your own. Thanks, Robyn for recommending the funniest book ever, you jerk. How are Bab & I supposed to compete with this? It makes my childhood trauma story of making the whole school smell like skunk seem like a gd fun day at the zoo & I'm just sore because I didn't get a snowcone. The whole time I'm laughing, i'm also cursing her under my breath.

JAN still has a little English teacher in her,

and I am her student.

 my reading list:

the greater good

"I guess the one perk of being a government worker is that they're always the first to be

saved in an apocalyptic event. So, don't worry baby! I'll get us a spot on that ship!"
"Oh yeah. They'll say, 'Take this admin assistant and her family and get them on the first helicopter out of here!'"

Sounds like somebody just offered to stay behind and fight the zombies.

When it's great to be stuffed up with allergies

"Did you toot?"

"Yeah, how could you tell?"