oh-whoa

down in mexico, my counsin was worrying about how he was going to smuggle back all his cuban cigars and i suggested he tape them to his baby's stomach, because, hey, who's going to frisk a baby? especially a baby that's packin' heat in the form of TNT.

Elf taught me a lot about life

I was able to enlighten my mom and nephew today thanks to the educational movie Elf.

"What's this animal?"

"Oh that's a narwhal, remember in Elf - 'thanks Mr. Narwhal.'"

Blank Stares

"Well it's a narwhal, just trust me."

the goblins

best friends forever. life.

why is she my bffl? oh, there's many reasons i suppose.
but mostly because the last time we had a sleepover,

i sleep-hugged her and we both woke up

and started laughing.

and this was one of my finer moments

I think i've figured out why i'll never, ever find a boyfriend:

My pickup lines. They suck.

As can be seen in this wonderful exchange:

"Hey Kyle!! I see you spilled something on your shirt!"

"What?"

"Your shirt... water? or something..."

"Oh. That's probably sweat. My back's probably all sweaty too."

"No kidding; it's hot outside. I hate myself."

check out all those little flowers on that flower!

My new favorite flower.



Bonus: it's considered a weed in parts of Southeast Asia, Southern Africa and Australia.

He went into the woods and shitted.

"I tried to spell 'shitted,' but they wouldn't accept it!"
"Those jerks."
"My dad even used it in a sentence."
"You know what makes me lol? 'Shitted.'"

23-17

it's nights like tonight that i miss fort collins dearly.

sweet dreams, dude. i'm proud to have called you Home.

hark, now hear the sailors cry

my sister's boyfriend

"dude, he's a babe."

"that hair and those eyes and his love for freedom."

"like an angel who doesn't bathe."

"it makes me want to watch Maverick."

"i want him to rescue me from prima nochte."

"he looks like Jeff."

"i was just going to say that."

"[pause] are we allowed to say that?"

"i don't know the rules."

Heir of Slytherin?

JAN: Then I turned around and the snake was literally in the air. I'm a parslemouth.
BAB: But will you use it for good or evil?
JAN: I don't know Brittany, I just don't know.

to defrost a pea or not to defrost a pea

do you feel bad when you don't scroll down and feed the fish a few times? i do. Sometimes i even whisper words of encouragement to them, like, "If you ever doubt, just remember, not everyone was a fan of Abe Lincoln during his day."

then i remember my real fish i have waiting to be fed and they're all the way downstairs. and i'm like, "F." and then maybe they get fed and maybe they don't.

no shit.

wait wait wait. all these years of wondering and you're telling

me i was supposed to let the evil Dr. Robotnik HELP me?

mind bottling.

game gear would have been way more fun if i'd known how to pass level 3.

"yeah, he lost 'em good!"

i call green mallet

sure this game is fun.

for like 0.2 seconds.

Check out the goober up front that's trying to model for the picture.  I can tell you he's not wearing a speedo because Glenwood is a family place where we ask for a little courtesy.

Nice Sideburns

The hardest part of graduating from college was trying to not look super lame in the cap.  

Impossible!

Are you there Julie? It's me, Brittany.

I think she' been avoiding me this weekend.  Answer your phone JAN!

but not you, mark wahlberg. you're pretty badass.

10 bucks says right after this Mark Wahlberg shot that dog.

and insulted its mother.

sticking with you

Friday Thank You's

Every Friday I sit down and write my weekly thank you notes, wait no, that's Jimmy Fallon.  ANYways

Thank you, Dad, for being cranky tonight, the night I decided to ditch Julie and stay home and eat the tasty turkey dinner mom made.  I liked the part when I came to talk to you and you had a scowl on your face.   So thanks for making me think to myself "I shoulda gone to Julie's."

Brittany

betrothed

we used to play this game when we were little called,
"In the 10th car we pass is the man you're going to marry."
i guess i should explain.
basically, when it was your turn, you'd sit there while everyone else slowly counted every car we passed and in the 10th car was the unsuspecting man you were going to marry. and you'd look over and giggle and we'd voice our appraisals.
and then it would be my turn.
and i'd look over to find this waiting for me:

and i would mutter to myself, "Aw, nuts."

tiny dancer

"I wish this was called tickle me pink" "Instead of tickled pink?" "Yes"

JAN and I agree that martinis look more impressive when they come in the tall glasses. Also, if ours had been in the tall glasses, Julie would have definitely knocked hers onto the floor, creating an awkward situation which we would get to laugh about later.

two scoops, please

One time B & I were playing Scattergories and it was "Things found in a Desert."
B wrote "plums" and I wrote "pecans."

the woes of me

remember how you always ended your bedtime prayers with, "And please God, don't let them put me in the Boo-Box. Please please please please please, Amen."

you know what i was just thinking to myself?

I was thinking, I bet the real Laura Ingalls didn't have an overbite.

And it looks like I am correct.

(Note to Julie: Thank you for posting that picture of Almanzo, "The Babe," Wilder, thus inspiring me to re-read the series, thus inspiring me to think about the real Laura Ingalls and how I think she was probably super adorable with no overbite, and thus encouraging me to talk to my dad about how I'm reading the books and him confessing that HE had read them all when he was younger.  Thank You.)

Would we be even funnier if we were Canadians?  You betcha.

recruiting commies

knew i had found a best friend the day she asked me if i ever had to watch that silent film where the kids are chasing a red balloon & when i said indeed i had in 4th grade, she leaned in & whispered, "what the hell was that all about?"

text. text text.

"i wish i would have worn a bra so i could take off my coat."

"i was just thinking to myself, 'i miss that bra-less ho.'"

"you wouldn't believe how hot it is in here. it's like really really hot."

"hot enough to take your coat off?"

"no. but i DID unzip."

That's Miss N. to You, ya little bastards!

Yep, she's a teacher now.

pay attention

welcome to the PEN15 club

in 10th grade spanish, i witnessed a miracle. my friend (hi amanda!) and i were somehow able to balance 7 pens on top of eachother. SEVEN PENS. and then one day a tiny fairy appeared and asked which way to neverland and we were like, "Second star to the right and straight on till morning, dummy." it was also in this class that my teacher heard me say something along the lines of being in her class was equivalent to being in the fiery pits of hell and she made me stay after and clean her room. some people are so sensitive when it comes to analogies.

melodrama to the tune of enya

You know what's not as cool as living with your best friend?

Living with your parents.

Ah nuts.

Speaking of The Parenthood

If Julie hadn't said anything I would've never EVER suspected.

 and

 

SAME GUY!!!!!

You know why Steve Martin doesn't age?

Because he's a vampire.  

Here's Steve circa 1989 starring in Parenthood, one of the most relevant movies of the decade which also produced a number of tunes about diarrhea that we still sing today.

And here's our main man in 2003 starring in Bringing Down the House, a movie you only need to see once because it gets worse and worse each time you watch it.

Almost 15 years later and still no difference. Fishy.

family taco night

tonight was taco night and i got scolded because i put some of my excess cheese back into the communal cheese bowl. like we all hadn't just stuck our grubby mitts in there anyways.

BAB would have NEVER been mad at such an act. in fact, she probably would have said, "whoa buddy! let's kill the middle man." and opened her mouth.

i miss her.

the smell of hate

If I ever handwrite some hatemail, I'll definitely use Mr. Sketch's Scented black marker. Not only will the words be bitter, but the stench of anise will give an extra punch of meaness. Which pleases me.

i'm glad to be with you, samwise gamgee.

the dude loves jelly beans

Ode to Jewie

This one's for Julie, who kept up the funny

Whilst I vacationed and ate combed honey

It's good Julie's blogging is not precarious

for my sister LeeAnne thinks she's hilarious

So this one's for Julie

You're the cooler than dry ice

Or even P. Diddy and definitely Bo Bice

she's coming back tomorrow!

truth be told, when she left we both almost started crying. especially at the part when i tapped on the window and she looked up at me from the street, and waved.

johnny carson joonya

do yourself a favor and stay up late to watch Jimmy Fallon. 90% of the time it makes me el oh el every time.

:)

"Hey bro. Check out this squash I just harvested."

little house on the prairie

Ok, so Almanzo was a babe.

That Laura was one lucky pioneering SOB.

It was unfortunate what happened to her sister, though.

le tour

I wish Astana would change the team's jersey color from "aquamarine" to "clear."

or they should change the rules to: if you're not wearing the yellow jersey

then you're not wearing anything.

floor it

One's a speedbump. The other's a showoff.

W.W.B.G.D.?

Revisiting a rather lengthy conversation that occurred whilst I was in Australia for a month, regarding Bear Grylls and how we wish more than anything that they wouldn't use blurred censors when he strips down and does jumpingjacks to prevent hypothermia:

"I bought colgate toothpaste because they don't sell crest here. The toothpaste is Triple Action. Blue is for cavity protection.White is for white teeth.Green is for fresh breath.The problem, you see, is that the green hasn't been coming out. I've got the white and then the blue, side-by-side but no green. I appreciate cavity protection and white teeth as much as the next guy, but is not fresh breath important? Am I walking around with stinky breath? Am I squeezing the tube wrong? I'm losing sleep over it."
"It's times like this that make me think...What would Bear Grylls do? And I'm pretty sure he would coax the green out of the little tube by possibly whistling a snake charmer's charming song. Remember patience is key. And work hard because I do know that fresh breath is NOT overrated."
"Oh, Bear. How I want him to parachute into my room."
"Mr. Bear may just pop in to see you. That is if he's not finding his way out of the Sahara with only the clothes on his back and a half empty cantine."
"Then we'll make a floatation device out of our pants and swim back to you, eating seaweed for nutrients, and Bear will catch & tie together five hammerhead sharks to pull us when our pants deflated. and when the sharks devour something, Bear will grab the bits & pieces & mash them together in the shape of a hamhock & then cook it on an underwater fire created by Nature, purely out of reverence for Bear."
"And then when you and Bear arrive at the coast of California there will be a giant cliff, much like the one in Princess Bride, and Bear will throw you over his shoulder and say "Hold on chipper" and climb up the cliff using his legs for lift of course. At the top of the cliff you will run into some wolves. At this point you will be well versed in the life of Bear and the two of you will tame the wolves (naming one after me) and make a sled with wheels because it is mountainous California, and be pulled home by your beloved wolf family. On the way home you will eat an eclectic variety of fruits and berries that will hopefully not give you the runs."