VW: averting filial piety since Hitler first demanded a car for his aryan peeps in 1938

I enjoy driving a car that causes children to punch their parents in the arm without fear of retribution.

Slugbug Law. Deal with it.

she takes the insults as personally as i do

I'd like to thank Brittany for not only dying my hairs but for also being the only person on earth that defends them against the never ending "your hair looks like balls" comments made by my family. If my hair was Whitney Houston, Brittany would be Kevin Costner.


and I will always love youuuuuuu.

Cat Fancy

I had no idea it was a true magazine and real life people get subscriptions to it.

Our ignorance can scare anyone.

JAN and I really scared the poo out of Josh in Italy when we asked, "Did the gas pump lady know to fill the car with diesel?"  Of course she knew!  But I think what we were trying to get across was that we would've filled the tank with regular.

we got our paybacks in the form of whiplash.

whelp,

I didn't get the teaching job at BAB's old high school. 

But, that's ok.

I still have Plan B in my back pocket:

Hug a veteran.

If my grandpa was here today, I would tell him, "Hey Grandpa, thanks for shooting all those nazi's." and I would kiss him on the cheek.

105°F with a humidity of 40%

It is believed by many (mostly just me and BAB) that one day I will be in search of a nap. In my quest for a perfect relaxation place, I will enter a Bikram yoga studio, where I will lie down on a mat and sleep contentedly. As I soak in the quiet meditation of others around me, I will peacefully munch on a bag of puffy cheetos. They will try to drag me out of the room, but I won't be moved. And I'll be too sweaty for them to get a good grip. And then suddenly with my cheesy fingers, I'll float above everyone else, having reached nirvana.

"You! You! No, not you. YOU!"

When you're bad, "Captain Julie Hook" will put you in the poo box.  Where she'll drop bits of poo on you.

sorry about the word "crotch"

"You know how sometimes your underwear pulls your crotch-hair and you're like, 'Ow-wee.' You know?"
"... Yeah, I know."

corn cob pipes

Finally, something to aptly compliment our adorable button-noses. 

And Bab's coal-eyes.

keep it on a rope

While showering last night, I dropped the soap. It hit the top bone of my right foot and I swore and now there is a small bruise to show me exactly where the slight ache is coming from. I finally understand why people are always telling prison-bound lads "Don't drop the soap!" because it hurts. And, like,  being in prison isn't bad enough without having bruises on your feet. Plus, there's all that raping to worry about.

"A Bull Fighting Class?!?!"

"No, no.  I said, 'I'm going to a book binding class.'"

I should be so cool.

Did you know THAT

we spent our entire $20 prize money from the sandcastle contest on ice cream?

Now you know.

Fight or Flight

When it comes to a dog fight, my instincts tell me to stay out of it and try to block all spectators so they do the same.

They ought to make Mission Impossible: 4 actually impossible.

"Whoa, who is this?"

"It's Tom Waits!  You'll know him from Shrek 2.  'I like my town, with a little drop of poison.'  Or Mystery Men, he's the crazy scientist in it."

"I never saw Mystery Men, what song from Shrek 2 were you singing?"

"Your loss, I can't do it again."

What is this, weed?!

I got swindled into buying expensive tea this weekend by a fast-talking asian woman who wouldn't take 1 ounce for an answer.

I was a decoy.

Just after Noel told me to, "Go long!" she chucked her flowers at JAN's face as Julie jumped into the air with a broken leg and caught the bouquet with her chest.

Hey Arnold!

Gross, dude.

I wasn't even asked to go to prom, much less to rule over it.

BAB was prom queen back in her heyday. It's true! And not really surprising given that she descends from a long line of snooty people who were voted dancing royalty: her dad and grandmother.

And me?

My grandma's prom date was her own brother.

A thought while driving.

When I own a funeral parlor, I think I'll call it "Doomsday Crematorium and Such."

This shout out goes to JAN.

Thanks, pal.  For cutting off our double chins in the banner picture.  Why do we always have double chins in pictures?  We'll never know, and nobody better ever tell us.

Add it to the list.

"I like us because when we sleep, we sleep hard.  And people know it, because of our hair."

Nigel's thoughts? would NOT bone.

"They're supposed to pick an empowerment word to overcome names bullies used to call them. Her bullies called her Big Lips/Mouth. What empowerment word would you choose?"

"Slut."

"And I would have said 'Dickhole."

way cool

Corbin found a leaf bug yesterday.  My sister supposes there was a mass breakout of them from the butterfly pavilion, Shawshank style.

What does it take?

When I was kid, I thought, "If I can draw a horse, then I'm a good artist."  It seemed so simple in my mind.  Start with the ears and work your way down the neck - don't forget to shade like crazy!

 Fact is, I'll never be able to draw a dang horse.

i know i'm excited

not that it matters all that much, but i just finished a take-home test that left me absent all week!

man am i bushed.

And the thought of them I love.

The two reasons 23 was a bangarang year:

ooxxooXoxxx.
(24 in T - 2 hrs.)

WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD.

We dominated in the sandcastle competition.
You can never go wrong with a volcano
spilling molten lava onto a thatched hut.
Plus, the competition, while being a bunch a stiffs, was not stiff.
One team was inebriated.
One team was DQed for not finishing.
And the last team was my mom.  
GooooOOOOO us!

The reason why hunters can't hunt in one area for more than a few days

(elk conversation interpreted by B.A.B.)

They begin to catch on.

a gift for you. enjoy. (this made the job worth it)

squat·ter  - n.

1. typically a heavy-set adolescent harnessed to bungees, who has neither the muscle mass nor athletic desire to use Newton's 3rd law of motion to propel oneself more than a few inches from the trampoline. the harness will characteristically move upwards from the waist to the chest. as the body sinks lower, legs will be pulled up into the "squatting" position, never to be fully extended until unharnessed. feet may sometimes extend slightly and reluctant toes will gently push off to elevate self no more than 12" from the trampoline. while generally happy, adolescent may grimace and tell you, "This hurts a little." 

          origin: winter park carnies.

"Let's move to Fiji and tell no one. Except our 4 blog followers."

Jay: I see comments on the blog from other people & I'm like, "Congratulations. You figured out how to work the internet & found a secret treasure."

We miss these turds.
All the time.

I'll take 7 carmel apples, and don't you dare slice them.

Way to go, Colorado, for rocking the fall season this year!

As I recall last year it went from sun to snow, which was difficult on mah brain.

why do we watch british documentaries about lonely dudes who have real dolls?

because they say things like this:
 "And here I am a super hero and no real women want to be with me."


note: the dude was a hang glider.  


p.s. the guy in this picture had to send his lady in for "repairs"

Trailer Tales: in which I say fare thee well.

As FDR once said after WWII, all good things must come to an end.

And although trailer life wasn't easy, in the end, it was good.

It's hard adjusting to life outside a 23'x8' box.

Like, you want the milk? you have to actually GET UP to get it.

 want to open the front door from your bed? ain't gonna happen.

the spare room that's really a spare room, no longer doubling as a kitchen table? 

simply not as uncomfortably funny.  

 I'd like to take a moment to thank that little monster

(peeking out from the closet/bathroom)

for taking it in the face alongside me

and for not pooping in the trailer. 

Best little monster ever.

So. Fare thee well, stupid pod.

Side note: see that white thing on the ceiling?

it's an air conditioner. and when the vents were open, it looked like a mean scary bug face with black eyes. I've drawn a picture for you for a more complete understanding. Of the scariness. 



On the horizon: Earl, The Tropical Storm

who knew dudes wouldn't appreciate you always wanting to be with your bffl

"Remember how back in the day we thought, 'We're going to be the best girlfriends ever!' and then when we actually got boyfriends, we turned out to be the worst?"
"Yeah. It's a pity."

It's too much.

Sometimes I think babies deserve a little more respect.  Especially when she has to wear a giant flower on her head.  A little proportion is in order.

7 reasons

we can safely assume this person still wears their retainers.

Thank you, Christopher Columbus,

for conveniently sailing the ocean blue in the year that also happens to be the 4-digit garage code to 98% of American households.

including, yours truly.

Thank you, dude who was racing cars down the mountain on a BICYCLE and nearly winning

for putting that fine 'A'
in B.A.

How Nunny of You.

Even though the waves were high and there was no lifeguard on duty, we took our chances swimming in the ocean during a tropical storm

...naked. hehe

Guess who came home with a piece of yoga mat on her forehead.

Me.  I did.

"You know you look ridiculous on a unicycle when dogs keep barking at you."
"Absurd. Unicycles should be restricted to the circus."

I enjoy waking up early

to the sound of my roommate-dog barfing up the remains of a McDonald's Hercules action figure.

But, I'm a little concerned right now.

How do I tell my dude that his dog's bulimic?

What's our dream?

To one day own a champion bull together.

We'll travel the rodeo circuit, watching our tenaciously diabolical bull throw multiple cowboys to the wind. And we'll just sit there, eating snowcones, raking in the dough. And when the sun has set, we'll quietly take our bull by the horns (who will be known to all as something sinister; like Hell's Girlfriend or Erection's Doom, but in the privacy of our own trailer, we'll call it Marlene), we'll tip our caps and walk on to crush the dreams of our nation's remaining cowboys in less than 8 seconds.

Beer me some pizza.

More than once, when Julie and I have told people we nearly ate a whole Beau Jo's pizza, they've asked, "The challenge pizza?!"

It makes me wonder what about us seems like we're the type of ladies who would want to eat that much pizza at one time?

My neighbor just loudly exclaimed, "Ew!  That is disgusting!"

So I guess I won't be venturing outside any time soon.

dulcet tones

The thing I like most about NPR is how you can't quite tell if the host is male or female.


that's why i never listen if i can help it.

Leg was fine in the ocean, till BAB horse-kicked it

"You are both the youngest and the weakest, an unfortunate combination."
"When I get sucked out to sea, I'll just be like, 'It's fine. The sea has chosen me.'"
"Poseidon has chosen you to be his bride, Julie! 'Bye."