Give her a gold star

I swear, people aren't proud of you until you have a boyfriend. You can do anything and they don't care, doesn't matter.

                                         - B.A.B.

Krusty the Clown

You'd never think you'd feel like the oddball by not wearing sideburn-curls and a babushka hat.

Eff you, John Elway. Ye know not ye do.

 Is nothing sacred! Let me tell you a little story about the time Tim Tebow was at a church camp and all the older guys started a weight lifting competition. Tim was a very competitive, driven kid and as second to last guy, he knew he'd have to make it a good one. The number to beat was 40. Tebow did 400.

Are you kidding me? That's the type of guy we are going to give away. There's an even better story about him bringing his broken dog back to life, but I don't think any of us deserve to hear it.

IRA4LIFE

We hope your St. Patrick's day was full of swearing like a sailor, drinking red wine all day long, 7-letter word bonuses, laughing so hard at dinner you start crying, getting ditched by a bunch of boys, playing abusive card games, late night ghetto carbomb, youtube clips of Michael Flatly's Lord of the Dance, cheeto fingers, dancing your way to self-checkout lanes, spying on shirtless guys digging holes at the park, and napping in that park with your BFFL (with your heads downhill). It's what the Irish have been doing for 2000 years. We like to keep it traditional around here.

The High Dive

Jumping off the high dive gives you plenty of time to scream.  JAN and I faced our fears once and possibly never again.

  It wasn't unlike horse diving.

On the bus

Time and again I hear a dude, who I assume to be homeless, talking about his wife.  

Then I can't help but think, "Does she, too, carry around a dirty backpack and a dog on public transport?"

JAN and I are responsible adults who buy tires for our cars.

And spending that kind of dough pisses us off.

Keepin us real

Bab and I believe we're capable of doing all sorts of amazing things as long as we're able to be a team in the deal. For example, peace corp, raquetball tournaments, hotdog eating competitions, mutton busting, tallest lady in the world, and more recently Dual Slalom Snow Downhilling. For a wild moment, I thought I'd enter the bike race on my own because there were very few ladies entered and the payout was good. But thank God I didn't enter. That course was steep! Bab said had I entered, she would have seen how nervous I'd have been and said, "It's ok, you don't have to do it." That's the kind of best friend you want to have. One that encourages you to bail on things because they're challenging. YET, we are positive that we would have signed up, IF we could race on a tandem.

"And they're walking their bike down the mountain, in tandem."
                                         - pretend announcer a la TJ

Where's the faith?

Yesterday was a shark-tooth-finding kind of day.

 He makes everything... groovy.

Poppin' Wheelies in the p.a.r.k.

Last week, I don't know what got into me (probably a combination of spring weather, new yayco bike frame, and cute boy watching) but I decided I'd pop some wheelies at the park. I was doing just fine and then! Then I didn't land on the pedals and they cheese-grated my shin! Geez. That's what I get for showin' off for my boyfriend. In the words of George Strait in his monumental roll as Dusty-the-fed-up-with-all-the-lights-and-the-smoke-country-singer, "What a neurd."

[photo was taken a week later, after I finally shaved my yetis]

It struck him that there was one more thing to do: to find a lady to be enamoured of. For a knight errant without a lady is like a tree without leaves and a body without a soul.

We have a friend who went on a quest last night to win back his fair maiden! I sorely hope he succeeded and offered her his hanky as a token. Keep the fairy tales alive!

"Buzz - your girlfriend!

WOof."

"Did you eat a whole clove of garlic?"

Yes, I did. Last night I channeled my grandma Virginia and put raw garlic into the stinkiest and most delicious salad I've ever made. Although a strange sensation, I wasn't surprised that the raw garlic burned my mouth a little (after that one time I chopped garlic for pad thai and tried to put my contact back in... Holy mother... the burning... I couldn't even begin to open my weeping eye for a whole minute). What was surprising was how bad my breath smelled - because I have a blessed cold the smell never reached me, but the taste has remained with me until this morning! So, I guess I will continue to eat garlic sporadically, knowing now that it keeps both vampires AND boyfriends at bay.

You are not Bronco material.

No, Peyton Manning. No!

Thanks, public library.

Truth. This wild lioness was spotted walking with an abandoned newborn oryx. Neither had a herd of their own. Scientists observed her for two weeks and found she overcame the struggle between predator vs. mothering instincts to become this baby's mama. The lioness' milk was not the right nourishment for the baby, and the lioness couldn't leave it to hunt, yet they stayed together as they slowly starved. She would clean the baby and it would snuggle against her. One day, she was forced to hunt and another lion killed her baby as she watched, powerless. After that, she returned to hunting like a normal lion. But, in her lifetime, she would adopt five more abandoned baby oryx. Then one day, she disappeared.

ohhh, my heart. 

You can keep your hazel eyes.

Robyn, referring to my eye color, "The green and the blue blend to make a lovely shit-brown."

Little known fact

Today is ol' Beanfull's birthday! It's fun having a best friend who leads the way through time. And here's something I read once that I liked and would like us to embrace this year, to learn to use the passions of our hearts to love on this world in a powerful way. That's my wish. And as BFFL, it's my right to make a wish, too.

Happy best day, birthday friend!

How are we so cool and why do we deserve a posse?

1. I'd say our coolness can be attributed to a love of hot springs, beer, hilarity, and racquetball

2. And the only reason we deserve a posse is because one sucker is willing to be in it - we'll take her!

Our posse is in the sparkly dress.  she has shorts on underneath.

My last fuel injected cherry.

Honorable Stockpile

Here's a list of what I'd have in my mormon stockpile:

1) Green Tea
2) Stinky cheeses
3) Carlo Rossi 
4) Crusty Bread
5) Chick-fil-a 6-pack nuggets kids meal
6) Plain frozen yogurt

And I know what you're thinking - what a shitty stockpile. That this wouldn't last me more than a night or two of the apocalypse. You scoff at the perishable items. But, if the cheese and wine are gone, I don't want to live much longer anyways; I'm guuuuud.

Oh yeah! One more thing:

7) BAB.

It's only fair.

Because TJ gets Nyquil, JAN gets to have a nightcap, guaranteeing she gets at least 4 hours of sleep before having to get up to pee.

I'm ready

 for the new season of all-terrain putt putt. I found the perfect putter at the thrift store yesterday! Just as I was saying "I wish they had one of those crappy ones like at the putt putt places." Then I saw this thing, a shining star. Crappy. A little too short. Likely lead-based. And when I asked how much and he said "A couple of bucks" and I said "How many bucks?" "$1.98" I new we were m.f.e.o. The price was right... precisely two cents under my limit!

The saddest little indian.

A kid drew this a while ago when I subbed for art. Could that little face be any sadder?! Not without breaking the rules of drawing only in the circle. Man, I love this. I tried to think about what in life ever makes me feel this sad, and it mostly revolved around that one scene when Littlefoot thinks he sees his mother, but he's just chasing a rock's shadow. Then he curls up with his tree star because his mother is still dead. (also, I feel this way when all the milk is gone).

Every day is gray shirt day!

The cool thing about being a sub is that I never see the same kids twice. And the coolest part about that is not having to pick a different outfit every day! Aside from new underwear, Monday's outfit usually carries me through to Friday (wherein I switch to weekend outfit: ninja turtle suit). I simply lay the week'soutfit in a flatish manner on the hamper and blindly grab it in the dark morning. I might add some flare, like a bra, but nothing too fancy. Today, I'm wearing my Charlie's for a little extra warmth, but this grey shirt I don? I've been wearing since the beginning of the week. Day and night.

It feels so good to be doing something with my life.

"Give us a gay leap!" - director of The Secret Garden

We say this a lot, in reference to one of the best movie scenes of all time. When Collin is so full of joy after learning to walk, he steals his dad's cane and earns the Oscar for "Gayest Leap." I've watched it four times today, and I encourage you all to share in the celebration of this Leap Year holiday in the same way. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some gay leaping of my own that needs to be done.

Happy leaping!

Circle of mfn life

Remember this guy?

Well, of course you don't.
Shockingly, he didn't marry me. And today, he's teaching in the room across the hall from me. Silly world. Not as babe-ish as I remembered.  But, I'm sure he'll be able to recognize me from my forehead zit, just like the good ol' college days.

Life Lesson from Northern Exposure

Ed: What do we do now?

Chris: Well, Ed, now we dance.
Ed: ... How?

Chris: With abandon.

No. Thank YOU.

The best note we could ever receive.  You were 3 for 3 on the lol, Jay.  That puts you at hero status.  

Eubajeniah Doubtfire

[laughing]
"This movie is pretty dirty! I can't believe we all watched it when we were little."
"And loved it."
"Why DID we love it?"
"Because of this. Right here. This is why we loved it."

$$$$$

Bab seemed offended when I suggested she start growing medical marijuana. I'd do it, but I don't have all the lessons in herbology like she does. I'd do it in a heartbeat. Ca-ching!

it's not like you HAVE to smoke it.

Bus Tales

"Without this bus, I'd be in jail.  See, I accidentally got another DUI and my nicotine patch fell off today so I had to smoke a cigarette."

The same does not go for me, but I really do appreciate the ride.  

JAN's advice for yoga

"You should go and just wear undies & when they can't quit staring say, 'It's for the ultimate stretch' "

Holy Mother!

The knight bus is real?!?!?

"Mooom?"

Uh, no.  That's a cat in the background, not my fatherless child.

Home

Alone. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Some things we observed while sitting 70 feet from the man

when the dancers are in front of him, they are a black hole that he refuses to look at. Not even with his peripherals. He wanted no part of it. Nor did he want part of the free pretzel given to him late in the 2nd half. If I have any regrets in life, it was choosing not to wear my jersey that night, and choosing to pack more peanuts in my purse vs. camera with crazy zoom. One time, right after I yawned, HE was yawning. Mmm hmm.

Sorry, little neighbor girl who was playing with the new puppy,

for having to witness me crying during that episode of Say Yes to the Dress. That has NEVER happened. But, what do you expect when a groom who has Lou Gehrig's disease writes his vows to say, "I promise to fight as hard as I can for you, for as long as God allows me to be here." At least you had a puppy in your lap to comfort you.

BAB x 2

There exists one other person at CSU that has the exact same name as me.  I've gotten her library book once and many of her emails.  I'm guessing she has done the same.  Here's what I know: she studies ecology, likely focusing on bees.  It just so happens that I once studied bees with JAN during a summer in our undergraduate careers.

Should my project start truly breaking me down, I might propose we pull a "Parent Trap."

Short story

One day I looked to my left and there was a spider hanging out on my shoulder.  I thought, "What the heck are you doing there?"
The arachnid was likely pondering, "What the heck am I doing here?"

"I'm filling up my water cup with iced tea."

"What's she doing?"

"She's doing what her outfit suggests she would do."

Happy Valentine's Day!

Just remember, someone loves you. Probably. 



I once knew a pretty girl. And she was in love with the world.

If I was going to donate money to NPR/CPR it would be for two reasons:

1) it gives Bab and me something to coincidentally small talk about and sound very snooty at the same time
"Did you know there was a guy dressed as spiderman who got arrested because he was climbing buildings? Because - "
" - And I quote: Because he likes it." "JINX."

2) These two sisters from Sweden. (First Aid Kit).

I really hope CPR reaches it's 8100 pledges. For as much as $10 a month, you will receive a canvas totebag! People of the world - reach into your pockets so I don't have to hear those androgynous voices only talking about donations every other minute. I want to hear lame stories about viruses in the ocean! They destroy half the bacteria in the ocean EVERY day! But, that's life, baby!

Oh yeah.

I was recently offered half a bowl of cereal, and that sparked a rusty memory of sharing cereal with someone before bedtime when I was little. And then I remembered it wasn't someone, it was my grandpa John. And it wasn't cereal, it was ice cream. Two spoons and a bowl of ice cream between us.

And I was very glad I haven't forgotten that.

Golden Girls

My calves are still sore from our Monday night aquasize class, where - mind you - Bab and I were complimented on our athletic enthusiasm by the instructor. And I like to think all the old dudes were silently voicing their approval.

"I was going to go live with the gorillas!" - Liz Lemon

Did you know Jane Goodall had a stuffed monkey that she loved ever since she was a baby? It's true! I just read it in the enchanting, heartfelt book called Me...Jane, which can be found at Barnes & Nobles, in the children's section.

I snuck this picture!

Oh, daytime tv.

I can't say for certain, but I think these are the Hos.

hehe!

The #1 question asked on TurboTax online is:  "Can I claim my boyfriend as a dependent?"

Snow Day!!!

And while my Mr. Plow-that'shisnamethatnameagainisMrPlow- is gone, I'm stuck with ol' hooch-hound, who is so excited that she has to run some laps only to come back to attack my hands and feet. At present, she is napping, and after a visit to the bathroom, that's exactly what I'm going to do.

thinking the exact same thing. always.

And that's why you and I are friends AND

we don't have any friends.

                                     - B.A.B.