my funny valentine

Dear BAB,
 Thanks for letting me lay my head in your lap 
and keeping watch when I got sleepy
 on our whale watching rock. 
I love ya, pal!
jan

If I know what love is,

 it's because of you.

-Herman Hesse

Sympathy pain

This back wasn't built for hard labor, or even semi-hard labor like lifting 50 pounds of soil.  So I'll lay on the floor and cheer on the athletes, like all the others that bit it, but with a lot less honor.

Cupid's got me in a chokehold

You WISH your mom still brought you homemade cupcakes 

to share with your fourth grade classmates coworkers.

The Russki Stink Eye

I'd like to know who farted on Bob Costas' pillow?! He's THE face of the olympics!

Poor little face.

america's sweetheart

She always knows how to make it better 

when I'm feeling sad or sick.

I'll always believe those curls

are natural!

xoxoxo

Girl, I don't wanna KNOW about your mild-mannered alter ego.

its not easy to be me - lame but relevant song from 2001

Sometimes it's hard to be funny. You always feel the pressure to make other people laugh, to say the intelligent things faster than the one other funny-but-not-original person in the room, to not laugh too hard at your own wit, to swiftly calculate the number of mormons in the room and the number of times your joke has a wiener euphemism and adjust accordingly. But what people don't understand is that Mondays are the worst, even for the funny person in the office. Like today, coworkers keep coming to my desk and standing there as if they're expecting a great joke about dijon mustard, but it's Monday! My eyes are just as red rimmed as yours. My motivation is also non existent. I'm just a lady trying to get her goddamn work done and go home. Sometimes I wonder how the world sees me? What is it about my face that makes them expect and demand hilarity? I fear I'll never know.

Turn around

Look it's cold out there, girl scout cookies are in, all our pants are already tight from lack of movement and everybody had a bad day last Tuesday.

Sometimes the obvious joke is the good one.

Like when JAN and I both said the sequel to 300 should be 301.

We are fans.  As evidenced by our love of the 6-pack, flesh and beer, as well as watching and liking the original at the cheap theater.

Hot Chocolate.

I never really loved it until peppermint Schnapps came along.

Sochi

Olympics TONIGHT! Sure, the winter olympics aren't as hot as the summer games, but there's still a bunch of tiiight spandex - the only thing standing in your way is a thin layer of cloth and your imagination! So drink yourself a white Russian and eat some goat jerky and root for the world! 

Winter is terrible

A good chunk of this evening was spent throwing hot water on the ice build-up in my tire wheel well and whacking it with the ice scraper that the very same ice chunk broke in half earlier this week.

Where does the ice fly during this task?  That's right, in your eyes and mouth.

Stick with what reminds you of Sicily.

I went for Carlo Rossi jug again!  I planned on a box, but this was $5-7 cheaper AND 1L more!

Adventure is out there

My lunchtime walk in the freezing temperatures proved most delightful. I'd like to say I snuck up on these fellas, but it was the other way around.

"Hufflepuff, because I'd like to be near the kitchen."

"I forget my wand specifics, but it's a flexible one and I got to choose between Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff. I want to be in Ravenclaw, but I know in my heart that I am a Hufflepuff."

"I can't believe you chose Hufflepuff! And, I can. What if I'm in Slytherin? Please no."

"There's no way you'll be in Slytherin. And if you are, we'll still be friends. There's one question for your height and I almost put tall for my age because I WAS tall for my age at 11. But then I decided to go for my height now, which is a boring average. You'll be in Gryffindor and become too cool for me. Oh gosh, that's where you'll meet TJ, in the Gryffindor common room. And I'll be like Snape, but fatter and happier because I'm in Hufflepuff and not Slytherin."

Thinking it through.

This time of year, first you get your beer, then you get your pizza.

It's Friday!

I'm most excited about the superbowl because 

I get to hang out with this squeaker.

BOOM!

"Isn't it kind of amazing that there hasn't been another nuclear bomb used by anyone?"
"Yea. We're still the only assholes."

Mom The Dream Crusher

Scene: Eating a bowl of noodles lunch at the Noodles restaurant.  I tell my mom that maybe I'd like to make pottery dishes someday and she bursts out laughing.

"It's just that pottery is so hard and you'll have to pay $100 to ship because it will be so heavy!" 

hahahahahahahahahahaha

"Fine.  But repeat my dream back to me without laughing."  

"You're going to make. Hehehehehehe pottery heh dishes." hahaha

"Again."  

"I can't do it!"

whozits and whatzits galore

Our shell searching haul from Mexico!
Bab was surprised I even bothered to grab these during the drunken morning rush to pack our suit cases and catch the bus.
Doesn't bab know me at all?!
I'd miss a plane before I'd leave my boodle!

Happy Birthday, sweet baby

[After hiking 20 yards in the wind, only to stop behind a rock and drink whiskey, then head back home]

"I'm glad we know when to say when."
"With alcohol?"
"With hiking."

We love you Robbie!

Glad we got to spend the day

watching your mad scooter skillz

and eating fried pickles.

It's Friday!

May you nap in someone's arms and simultaneously cause them to fall woefully in love with you.

in the future, everything's turning up BAB

"So, Babzz..."
"Just one 'z'."
"Right. Babz... how does it feel? One minute you're picking potatoes, the next you've sold a 100,000 copies of your debut album!"
"Well Ryan Seacrest, it feels pretty damn good."
"Tell me, how did you come up with the lyrics for your hit song?"
"Funny story, really. I was on a vacation to Mexico and after a week of enduring hot sticky skin, we were all pretty chaffed in the thighs and nethers. As we headed to the airport I noticed everyone in the group was cowboy-walking."
"And so, you wrote and choreographed Everybody's Cowboy-Walkin'? and now the whole world is doing it."
"Yes, it's very catchy."
"It's amazing you could turn something terrible, like chaffed tenders, into such a form of energy."
"Yes. I amaze myself sometimes."

3rd Grader Kicks My Ass in Mexico Story-telling

"Did you have fun in Mexico, Silas?"
  "Yeah."  
"Did you snorkel?"
  "Yup, and we saw big sea turtles!"
(Big whoop, we saw baby sea turtles)

"And we went to a monkey sanctuary, where we went in the cages and a monkey sat on my lap and groomed my head."

SCENE: BAB got stung by jelly fish. Refuses offers to be peed upon.

"I'll pee on myself if I have to."

"There's no place a handstand can't reach!"

Bam

I rapped Fresh Prince of Bel Aire and then she fell asleep in my arms and then my heart burst into 1000 pieces and then she woke up and then we hugged for a little while.

"Nothing cuter than a little baby with tattoos."

My sister told me that Colin Kaepernick was adopted and Dad told me how.

Jeans!

They're pretty cool because your vacation rashes and bug bites are covered, but softly itched.

The other plus is no leg chafing.

it's friday!

Here's your weekly dose of oh-my cuteness!

Sayonara Sayulita

Although it's nice being allowed to flush tp down the toilet, we miss Mexico! We miss not needing chapstick every 2 minutes. We miss morning margs. We miss churro carts and shower beers and whale spouts and stray dogs named Pedro and sunwarmed skin and getting to have quiet mornings and pal-around all-damn-day time. Vacation withdrawls.

yo quiero mexico!

Vacation to Mexico!!

My mom predicts that I'll be bringing home a local.  

I guess I'd take a professional athlete. 

The Brits sure do love Laura Linney

auld lang

Happy New Year! Here's to you and your bffl - the one who you can't look directly in the eye on your wedding day or during Little Women after Beth dies, or else you'll start the completely unbecoming weep-laugh, from which there is no return.

Come on, 2014, we're gonna rock you like a hurricane.

"The sky IS pretty cool." - tj

"Reflective dots trap and reflect all your body heat back to you and shields you from Mars-rover radiowaves"

It keeps you so warm because it's so full of bullshit.



Merry Grinchmas!

JAN's what you might call Opposite-of-the-Grinch.  She looves Christmas and we all benefit!  

I suggest everyone find themselves a little Who from Whoville.

Watching The Cosby Show

JAN would be proud and laughing along with me.

Potential memoir title

Uh, Is My Fly Down?

Incidentally, also a race horse

That's no moon, it's a space station!

"Bab and I have agreed this is a Fat mirror. So if your hips look extra wide, don't feel bad."
"What's a fat mirror?"
"You know, like how sometimes mirrors make you look skinnier? or fatter than you really are? It refracts differently or something."
"No. I've never noticed that."
"Well... this is a fat mirror."


Oh to be a dude and not know what it is to be a teenage girl spending hours infront of a mirror.

It's that time of year

So get her what she wants.

The blood diamond.

People who work with kids for a living are saints because 3rd graders are

(scary monsters)

merry and bright

Somebody's happy it's Friday!

Me too, girlfriend.

What's that phrase?

You should stick to the written word because you do not have a voice for radio.

freezes the teeth and the boogers

I took one breath of the air, and it made me cough and stung my buckys.

smudged memories

Bab incorrectly told her mom I wouldn't want the lens-smudge wedding pictures when I have all the professional photographer pictures. But, bab's mom knew I didn't have a picture of the photographer taking a picture. And she is right! (Although, my one rule for wedding photos was to not take any of my double chin and here they are, ignoring that one blasted rule). Plus, I had so many tears in my eyes that weekend, everything looked a little smudgy. It's the smudges that make the moments so smudgy-wonderful.

Thanks for the sweet snapshots, Toni!

I forgot to summon my eagle powers

Just like Silencio, I bruised my bunions, at zumba, and now they are swollen real hard.