Gotta change my email

What I need is a fake email address for when the family sends out mass emails like, "What do you want to bring to eat for Easter Sunday?"  and "When can you help put in Grandma's sprinkler system?"

I'd like to show my love in some other way, thank you.

You don't get the full BAB experience until you get the JANandBAB experience

"I'm going out on a Tinder date, so...
 if I don't come back, avenge me."
                                - bab

Bill Jr.

"If she runs for prez, I might have to vote for her."
"I know. Me too."

And then our heads spun all the way around and we sat there blinking rapidly for five minutes.

own it

Oh sweet succulent Friday,

We're gonna make you our biotch - 

we're gonna buy you flowers,

make you some dinner

with a marg, and tell you

How long we've waited 

for you to come back to us.

i bet a dude who gets his crotch sniffed by a bomb-sniffing dog is at once both terrified and super proud.

This guy sneaked into my office and sniffed out my crafting bag! He scared the bejeezus out of me when I heard a weird scuffly noise and saw a tail lurking in the corner of my eye. I thought my coworkers had accidentally let in a wild something, and just as I was about to scream "raccoon!" I realized he was just on-duty, scoping the joint for a little TNT. Good puppy.

Well that's redundant

(Middle right)

JAN left for the weekend to ride

"I feel like I'm departing on a voyage to America, leaving you, my Polish wife, in the motherland until I can afford to buy you a bike."

now this is a story about all how my life got flipped-turned upside down

I look like this

because of this

I crashed into a cliff's side on my bicycle.

I laughed and then I cried

and then I told TJ not to tell anybody I cried,

while I was still crying.

I'd show you the bruise from where I landed 

full-throttle on my chest, but. Poor Lefty! 

She has suffered blunt-force trauma,

but she'll live another day. 

She thanks you for your concern.

After picking out some prickly thorns, 

we got back on the bike.

My mom told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, "within reason." when i asked her what she meant by "within reason" she said, "You ask a lot of questions for a garbage man."

Why you can't be a colorblind ornithologist:

"Nice bird drawing."
"Thanks. I'm trying to get all the details."
"Are you going to add the bright red stripe last?"
"What red stripe?"

Turns out I'm not the loveable nerd, I'm the bully you hate - Liz Lemon

BAB is taking a pottery class, and as expected, she is bullying the classmates she simultaneously hopes to befriend! She has reminded herself to only make self-depracating jokes or general hate jokes directed at the human race as a neutral whole - not the poor lady whose mug was so good the teacher used it as a prime example of technique, and BAB said, "Wow! You're so good, you should be the teacher!"

I'm glad I wasn't there because I probably would have said, "Here's a free lesson, I learned this move from Patrick Swayze."

a broadway critique!

"It was pretty good, but Big Mama Morton was a letdown! Although, Queen Latifah was so awesome in the movie, it's hard to compete."

"Agreed. I really like Queen Latifah. Her face is quite beautiful."

"Whhhha? TJ! Do you have a little jungle fever?" 

"... yeah. I guess I do!"

And then we agreed we should watch Taxi soon.

Have you ever been scoffed at for suggesting to add ice to wine so as to cool it down faster than refrigeration?

Then I presume you also have never accidentally bought a box of red wine instead of white and had 3 boxes of red wine in your apartment at once.

It's all fixed now.

I donated the extra red to jan and got myself that box of white I've been dreaming of, each glass stocked with 2 ice cubes, mister.

Did you hear I got a bb gun for my birthday?! Her name is Mother

Here's how to have the maximum good time with your bffl:

First make sure you know that "Fire at the ready" means that the safety is OFF, take aim

 Try to get the ninjas and/or pirates before the wind does, careful to not hit the Pooper Scooper!

 Turn your safety ON and take pictures without goggles because you look dorkier than you thought.

see what I mean?

Mead is an alcoholic beverage created by fermenting honey with water, and frequently fruits.

They should also mention "essence of antiseptic" in the aftertaste, not a fan.

Trippy

Grizzly Adams DID have a beard

What he didn't have was a protected brain because a bear done ripped his skull off, which

healed and was ok. Until another bear bopped him on the head and split everything back open. More than once. Which also would have been ok, but then a monkey bit the non-skull protected brain part, and then poor Grizz died a little while later.

She also made the yummiest black/blue berry pie for my bday.

The little baby is crafting! We couldn't be more proud (even if she wasn't sure if she should get thread for her sewing project).

 the big baby is getting air out of the pool tube

40 degrees F at the Glenwood hot spring

"It's pretty cold out there to be sunbathing."

"Well, he IS wearing a sweater."

BaHahahaha!

Gone are the dog days of Sayulita

The collar meant he was safe to pet.

you know, the part-giant lady character in a sea of beautiful half-naked temptresses

"You'd be Brienne in game of thrones - good at wielding small shield."

- my husband, the flatterer

we 've started forwarding through the sex scenes - boring!

Something you do see every day on vacation

Pelican fishermen!!

bab's suggestion for relieving work-stress proved most effective

JAN's school of BB gun safety:

"Remember the first rule about shooting guns...

Have Fun!"

lucky day

Work peeps be cranky today! 

I'm glad I went to the river at lunch and found this riverglass! 

Riverglass is more rare than seaglass.
It can be distinguished from seaglass because
 it is found in the river's water,
unlike seaglass which is found in the sea's water.

After you take the glass from it's original location, it may be hard to distinguish between the two.
Maybe try licking them. A salty taste would indicate oceanic origins.

I assure you, these antlers are not mine

I was just informed it's a tree branch.

it really makes me wonder

It's the stairway.

You know, the one that lady was going to buy.

The stairway to... where was it going to?

Oh hell, I can't think of it.

"Voted most likely to turn water in to weed."

...and then the world fell a little more in love.

Thanks for making us stay up waaaay past our bedtime and giggle, Jimmy!

Women's hockey, I wonder if their hockey bags are as rank as men's?

A clear statement that we, in general, value our faces and teeth.

Remember Springtime?

It's not SO bad to have a day that reminds you to be nice and tell people you love them, maybe we should do it the 14th of every month! Don't forget the candy.

Dear jan,
Thanks for making me hold a baby turtle.  And for being so kind.

love,
bab

my funny valentine

Dear BAB,
 Thanks for letting me lay my head in your lap 
and keeping watch when I got sleepy
 on our whale watching rock. 
I love ya, pal!
jan

If I know what love is,

 it's because of you.

-Herman Hesse

Sympathy pain

This back wasn't built for hard labor, or even semi-hard labor like lifting 50 pounds of soil.  So I'll lay on the floor and cheer on the athletes, like all the others that bit it, but with a lot less honor.

Cupid's got me in a chokehold

You WISH your mom still brought you homemade cupcakes 

to share with your fourth grade classmates coworkers.

The Russki Stink Eye

I'd like to know who farted on Bob Costas' pillow?! He's THE face of the olympics!

Poor little face.

america's sweetheart

She always knows how to make it better 

when I'm feeling sad or sick.

I'll always believe those curls

are natural!

xoxoxo

Girl, I don't wanna KNOW about your mild-mannered alter ego.

its not easy to be me - lame but relevant song from 2001

Sometimes it's hard to be funny. You always feel the pressure to make other people laugh, to say the intelligent things faster than the one other funny-but-not-original person in the room, to not laugh too hard at your own wit, to swiftly calculate the number of mormons in the room and the number of times your joke has a wiener euphemism and adjust accordingly. But what people don't understand is that Mondays are the worst, even for the funny person in the office. Like today, coworkers keep coming to my desk and standing there as if they're expecting a great joke about dijon mustard, but it's Monday! My eyes are just as red rimmed as yours. My motivation is also non existent. I'm just a lady trying to get her goddamn work done and go home. Sometimes I wonder how the world sees me? What is it about my face that makes them expect and demand hilarity? I fear I'll never know.

Turn around

Look it's cold out there, girl scout cookies are in, all our pants are already tight from lack of movement and everybody had a bad day last Tuesday.

Sometimes the obvious joke is the good one.

Like when JAN and I both said the sequel to 300 should be 301.

We are fans.  As evidenced by our love of the 6-pack, flesh and beer, as well as watching and liking the original at the cheap theater.

Hot Chocolate.

I never really loved it until peppermint Schnapps came along.

Sochi

Olympics TONIGHT! Sure, the winter olympics aren't as hot as the summer games, but there's still a bunch of tiiight spandex - the only thing standing in your way is a thin layer of cloth and your imagination! So drink yourself a white Russian and eat some goat jerky and root for the world! 

Winter is terrible

A good chunk of this evening was spent throwing hot water on the ice build-up in my tire wheel well and whacking it with the ice scraper that the very same ice chunk broke in half earlier this week.

Where does the ice fly during this task?  That's right, in your eyes and mouth.

Stick with what reminds you of Sicily.

I went for Carlo Rossi jug again!  I planned on a box, but this was $5-7 cheaper AND 1L more!

Adventure is out there

My lunchtime walk in the freezing temperatures proved most delightful. I'd like to say I snuck up on these fellas, but it was the other way around.

"Hufflepuff, because I'd like to be near the kitchen."

"I forget my wand specifics, but it's a flexible one and I got to choose between Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff. I want to be in Ravenclaw, but I know in my heart that I am a Hufflepuff."

"I can't believe you chose Hufflepuff! And, I can. What if I'm in Slytherin? Please no."

"There's no way you'll be in Slytherin. And if you are, we'll still be friends. There's one question for your height and I almost put tall for my age because I WAS tall for my age at 11. But then I decided to go for my height now, which is a boring average. You'll be in Gryffindor and become too cool for me. Oh gosh, that's where you'll meet TJ, in the Gryffindor common room. And I'll be like Snape, but fatter and happier because I'm in Hufflepuff and not Slytherin."