that's my mofo

Excuse me, people of the earth, you need to back the F off. What's the big mother effin deal? There's nothing like cursing to pump up the mother effin spirit. It's not like you never heard the effin word before anyhow. Plus, that mother effer looked so cute when he was so mother effin angry. And we won. So put your effin t.v. on "mute" next game because we plan to effin win again. And if dropping a mother effin F-bomb is the only way we can do it, then do it we shall. So go get in line for the confessional now; you've been warned.

saboteurs!

In an unfortunate turn of events, BAB's family now refers to me as Uncle Julie. Far from being a term of endearment, it is used synonymously with "Dipshit." As in, "Thanks a lot, Uncle Julie. You ruined yet another family get-together."
little do they know that one day they'll enter their home with an ominous feeling and notice a pot boiling on the stove. and they'll look at eachother, like, "What the?" and fear will build in their cruel hearts as they inch closer to the foul smelling pot, and a child's cry will come from outdoors, warning them that their pet bunny is missing from its cage. and just as they lift the lid with trepidation - the doorbell will ring, and i will be on their front step with Mr. Cottontail, who i found down the road, and a festive wreath for the holidays. and then they'll feel really shitty.

oh pa.

today whilst i was training for the self-induced coma i will be entering after i am done student-teaching, my dad asked if i was cold and i mumbled "Yes." then that sweet man covered me with a blanket. and then i noticed it was the dog's blanket. you know, the one that the dog sleeps on.

reason 873 why she's my BFFL

a response to the email i emailed to BAB for her opinion on an email i emailed to a certain somebody:

"It's gooooood. Here's why: you're funny but not tooo funny and it's pretty chatty like you could have a good chat if you DID go hang out, you can kinda tell that you like him without it being like creepy. He better write back or I'm gonna stalk him and watch him undress at night and send him pictures of it and really really weird him out."


:)

dec. 8th

i miss these queerbaits.

chop chop

"Careful - there are scissors under there somewhere."
"Julie! This is a bed! People lay in this!"

How can you NOT like it?

It's just sugar and corn.

pleasant surprise

I really appreciate that Julie's mom didn't push me overboard when we were at the boat.

i'm not a vampire, ok?

"What do you think this is?"

"Well the card said blood sausage."

"Ew."

trying not to puke

it still haunts my dreams.

learning to fly, but i ain't got wings

OF COURSE it contains nut residue - this is America, not communist China.

people who are allergic to peanuts are annoying.

armageddon

did you hear? oprah will go off the air in 2011.

so the Mayan's were one year off.

Don't mess with Uncle Terry

For my aunt and uncle's 25th wedding anniversary my uncle got a bling pinky ring.

It's so good to know he's still the pimp I always thought he was.

i never understood brittany's fear and loathing of sled riding until she took me down Killer Hill. as i layed at the bottom, trying to figure out if i was alive or dead, it finally clicked. sled riding is not a good time. and then we both had to go and pee our pants. so there you have it.

come on people

it wouldn't have been a true Jonesie if there wasn't a

swinging-from-the-vines-with-the-monkies scene

pro (and con) life

the worst part about being 23 is that "I'm too young to raise a child" is no longer a valid excuse.



F.

Err-LIE in the mornin'

Herbology

Brittany's favorite course this term is herbology. What a nerd.

I prefer divination and muggle studies.

Those little bitty breaks aren't gonna stop you

Gosh, remember when you would go rollerblading and going down the gigantic hill seemed like a good idea at the top? But then as you were going about 70mph towards the bottom you thought to yourself "I better bail soon." So then you decided to go into the grass to slow yourself down, but the rollerblades just got all mucked up in the grass and you had to sort of run to not fall over. Then you thought "I hope I don't kick myself in the head." And you eventually did eat it while your sister peed her pants laughing. I can only hope such good times for my own children.

To BAB,

with love,
JAN

a year when the rocky mts. weren't so high

BAB and I have this steadfast rule that if a celebrity and/or loved one dies, we can't watch/listen to anything that they have created for an entire year. It's out of respect. And we're pretty serious about it. After the fall of H. Ledger, we couldn't watch A Knight's Tale until January of this year. John Denver's death was particularly hard. Imagine not listening to "John Denver and the Muppets" during the yule-tide season; it truly puts a damper on the spirit. As you well know, it's not Christmas until you hear a fourth round of "Christmas Is Coming."

The purpose for bringing this up is to say that my mom has been playing the Righteous Brothers' cd NONSTOP. The situation is uncouth because every time "Unchained Melody" repeats, it's all I can do to stop myself from running downstairs, popping in Ghost, and fastforwarding to the part where Patrick Swayze is half-naked, making art with his lady. Doesn't my mother understand? BAB and I have already accidentally watched Man of the House (talk about dishonoring the spirit of a fallen Charlie's Angel). We can't afford to bring further disgrace upon ourselves, Ma. If things don't change, I'll be watching "Road House" by Tuesday.

i sure hope shirley temple never dies because i don't think i could go a month without watching The Littlest Rebel.

look what i got!

i'm not depressed anymore!!

now i use this emoticon :)

instead of this :/

I don't need a safe word.

I've been told that any healthy grown-up can battle a black bear. So if you run into one in a dark alley fight, fight for your life.

But Grizzlies will just eat you so play dead.

s. hussein

isn't he just the cutest little fella?

did you just silently shake your head yes?

so, you think an evil dictator is cute, do ya?

terrorist.

"We should go to Casa Bonita. Have you ever seen that South Park?"

Just because you watch South Park, doesn't mean you know Colorado.

Those fools will never understand how terrifying Black Bart's cave is to a 9 year old.

a heart 2 sizes too small

last Christmastime, we watched Heidi. by the end of it, my dad, mom, and i were crying. i looked over at BAB, and nothing.

"BAB," i declared,"doth this not bring a tear to thine eey?"

"Oh, I think i fell asleep at the sad part."

.

"You mean you missed the part where Clara learns to walk again?!"

"No, I saw that part..."

[we glare at her].

Hopefully by this Christmas, instead of an icecube, she'll have a heart.

never too old for a piledrive

I'm rooting for the Phillies because they feel the same way about the elderly as I do.

So Lame

My #1 life regret as of right now:

I was chatting it up with some pals and one asked who would you most want to see in concert? My mouth said "Beach Boys."  Whilst I  dearly wanted to say Muppets in Toronto.  For shame.

and suddenly...they ain't your hoes no mo'e

In the words of E.T., "Ouuuuch."

be a donor

I always thought this movie was about a man who had a baboon-heart transplant. When I rewatched it, I was like, "When he get his monkey heart?" Apparently I was remembering something else. Like the Diary of Anne Frank.

thanks for the laughs

if there's anyone who is owed an apology by the balloon-boy family, it's this guy:
you know, the one who was sprinting gung-ho across a dirt field because he thought, "Dear God, there's a child in that balloon! I have to catch that balloon! I will save him! Eagle Powers - come to me!" but alas, he tripped and fell. and the empty balloon gently floated to the ground, much to his relief and embarrassment.

fangorn forest is, like, our favorite place on earth. middle, that is.

just another day in the life.

Speaking of Skywalker

When I was in elementary school we were the Lukas Elementary Skywalkers.
As in Lukas Skywalkers.

And that didn't really hit me until a couple of days ago.

Yes Sensei.

When I was reading Shogun on vacation, I got all into honor and their crazy customs.
Like daily bathing.




I did not imagine John Blackthorne would look so much like Luke Skywalker.

Thanks For Not Hiring Me

Well I sent thank you's to the people who decided someone else had a better face for research than me. But I emailed them, because I wasn't going to waste a stamp on no fool. It went a little something like this:

Dear Research Nerd,
I love all Biology life.

But I hate you.

Thank you,
Brittany

the first rule of fight club: you do not talk about fight club

we used to have this really boring friend and whenever we'd hang out with this bore of a person, BAB and I would start fighting with eachother. it was weird. finally, we realized this person was SO boring that we'd been having to resort to fighting so that we'd have something to entertain us while suffering in the company of ol' boreface. and that's why we stopped hanging out with other people: it's bad for our relationship.

rookie mistake

Hey kids, let's learn a little life lesson from your dear Aunt Julie: don't ever choose the bathroom as your hiding place. People are bound to enter for a number of different reasons. Two, specifically. And you will either get stuck behind the shower curtain as your friend's dad finishes the crossword puzzle, if you know what i mean (and if you don't, ask BAB because it's really her story) OR in the case that the shower only provides clear glass doors, perfect for nothing you intend, you will have to step out from behind the door to face the humiliation as somebody inevitably says, "Let me just pee before I go." And in those few scary seconds as you see their shadow coming closer, you think to yourself, "How do I not scare them and how do I not look like a big dummy?" and the answer is that you can't avoid either situation, so you must simply confess, "Sorry. I was hiding in here" as they turn on the light. Then you hang your head and walk into the hall, only to encounter the person you were just hiding from because you didn't want him to see you're not a natural blonde, and he had just turned you down when you asked him to Homecoming right before dinner.

after they filmed this movie, Brad and Tom could never again look eachother in the eye

"Interview with a Vampire" sucks.

I Heart Hubble

If I were to be any kind of nerd, I would be a space nerd.

this little piggy suffered blunt trauma

One time in the apartment I sliced open my baby toe on the old, rusty floorboard heaters. It started bleeding profusely, so I hobbled over to my chair and called out for BAB. But she never came. As I was supergluing my toe back together, she strolled in and said, "What happened?!" I, with my bloody stump of a toe, recounted the events to her.

"Why didn't you call me to come help you?" she asked.
"I did. Four times."
Sometimes I catch BAB looking at my baby toe and I find extreme comfort in the belief that she's wallowing in anguished regret for having let me quietly bleed to death.

Learning the hard way.

Did you know that "free thinkers" are atheists? Me neither. Not until I went to the seminar and chilled with a bunch of them. And here I assumed "free thinkers" were just people who thought outside the box or discussed the many facets of an issue.

Here's a picture of a precious baby bear to help us all deal with this tense subject I just presented.

i'm glad the anglo saxons were so rich and murderous

I'm buying a metal detector and moving to England. Smell ya later.

tonight i dream of little debbies

look what BAB and I found in the back yard!

he was approved!!

i miss these a-wipes.

so so much.

I'm sorry about your hair.

"Did you leave your hairspray up here?"

"Yes! Think how bad my hair has been this week!"

And I thought about it...

oh god i'm so worried.

This would be the day

I was driving by Horsetooth today, a most windy and crappy weather day, and I thought to myself "This would be a day JAN and I would choose to canoe."

We'd be all "It's too windy to paddle back" "But we gotta before the tornado hits us" "My arms hurt"

shared experience

let's say it together, now: "Awwwwwwww."

last will and testament

In Case of Emergency

I encourage you all to be so prepared.

yes please.

i'm really glad i'm looking more

babe-ish, less queerbait these days.

i've come a long way since

Voyage of the Mimi.

tarheel

when you grow up on the east coast, you learn a lot of what some might consider to be worthless crap. like "don't fly a kite near powerlines" - a warning that played between every afternoon episode of Full House and made us fear being electrified by a kite. every school year some weirdos would bring in a snapping turtle that had been run over. the turtle would have a bunch of screws and wires in its shell, keeping it alive, i guess. and we'd get to pet it. that's right. they had it in a homemade wooden stock to prevent it from reaching back its long neck to snap us and they'd expertly explain how if that stock wasn't preventing it, the turtle would promptly turn and bite off my hand. and even though i was still sucking my thumb at that age, i remember thinking, "this is ridiculous."