Gym Class

"Teacher, my feet are sweaty!"

"Well kid, that's the title of my autobiography. Keep running."

Fairfield, Iowa

"Hey TJ, BAB and I are moving to Fairfield, Iowa."
"Why?"
"Because that place is all about meditation! The whole town does it twice a day. Just look at the meditation temple! They get these little beds... MMM... with pillows!... MMM... So peaceful..."
"Napping isn't meditating."

We are so transparent.

Only one more day of subbing left!

Maybe, then, I'll begin to see hilarity in the world again.

"I have but one claw, but beware!"

Good news:

Kids still think Batty is funny!

Baby Birds / Dinosaurs.

3 currently remain.  My mom nearly sawed them to bits, her guilt is limitless.

Y'arr.

A few weeks ago, when buying a mother's day cactus, we came across a one legged man who bragged all up and down to TJ about his own beautiful yard. After first insulting the purchases we were making (how was i supposed to know my mom wouldn't use gloves and get an infection from one of the spines?), he then made TJ smell his flower and so boldly extended the offer for TJ to come "work" in his "yard," any time.

Gayest pirate I've ever met.

He wanted TJ to shiver his timbers,

if you know what I'm sayin'.

Tight pants.

It's only Tuesday. Get your tight pants on, Kimosabe.

Last piece of Christmas, gone.

"Four is the perfect amount of people for making sushi."

Agreed.  

If there's more people, the bulk of the group leaves the dedicated few to roll-it-out and then have the gall to claim, "We made some good sushi."

Emails in which Robyn gets insulted and then insults me, perhaps without even noticing.

Sorry it's blurry, but if I make it larger you can only see half the screen which renders the shot ineffective.  

When Julie steals your camera, she takes a picture of

Hooch!

Banana strings make me gag

Even just looking at them.

Or typing about them.

Sharky's

Get to see my best friend tonight! $.50 tacos and enchilladas and tostadas!! It will be my third time there this week, second time today! And I've got a surprise for her. Hint: The Red Balloon.

71 days 13 minutes

Until the SUMMER OLYMPICS! Oh baby! Will Kerry Walsh and Misty May return with baby bjorn's? Will Usain truly be less cocky and break his own record? Will Michael Phelps' pants finally slip that last cm? Will the definition for a "woman" be more clearly specified (we're looking at you, softball)? Who will have the heartwrenching story that will make us root for them? Will China cheat? Just kidding; of course they will. It's all so exciting, I can hardly wait. I've charted my excitement level for each sport, nyah:

 As you can clearly see, I am most excited for swimming: 10 Bob Costas' and a Jesse Owen. But, I also love gymnastics, rowing, beach volleyball, and running. I might give weightlifting a higher score, but that will come when we get closer to the opening ceremony. And of course, my position on "Equestrian as an olympic sport" remains the same - it's not a sport because the HORSE is the real olympian. Give that horse the medal. I hope Brittany lets us watch opening ceremonies with her this year and that she doesn't hate us by the end of it! TJ knows, now, how much it means to us and he'll behave accordingly. Yay for the world!

Nap buster

One day during my lunch break/planning hour, I decided to go "read" (take a nap) in my car. I drove around till I found shade, then passed out in a bundle of blankets. An hour later, I woke up to a stern "Hello." and this:

He was understanding, but also, I felt, a little judgemental. I guess I was in permit parking only. All I saw was succulent shade. Subbing makes me tired, man!

Asshole neighborhood watch.

Yesterday

was this dude's birthday. The world is a better place with him in it. My world, especially.

The world makes sense when she explains it.

"If you have to hear them having sex, then they should be paying rent."

- sound advice from B.A.B.

Yogurt Covered Pretzels

They're awesome because even though they aren't good for you, their name lets you keep on pretending they are.

JA Jags

I'm at Bab and TJ's old stomping grounds, subbing for the ol' bball coach/social studies teacher. I appreciate that the stalls are not graffiti-proof. I also appreciate that they have a librarian who could have been Ms. America once upon a time. What I don't appreciate is the booby-trapped baby head that fell on me and bruised my collarbone when I pulled the screen down.
Death to tyrants!

I keep forgetting that JAN's seen Cold Mountain

So whenever I describe parts of the book that I like or hate, I always give a long back story to get her all caught up.   Then she has to reply "I think Renee Zellweger plays Ruby in the movie," to remind me that she knows the story (duh).

Sorry pal!  

Classic substitute Lesson today

: Show great white shark National Geographic VHS

And, it's pretty awesome because it has the kids disgusted and frightened. And I've learned a few highly valuable lessons about the great white's habits.

1) It likes to feed near the water's surface, so if you play dead on the bottom of the ocean, it might not try to eat you.

2) If it does latch on to you with a strong bite, it may just be trying to mate with you because, apparently, that's kind of their thing. Kinky!

He just thinks you're pretty, Ariel!

Russell

Remember him? The little boy who is a wilderness explorer and travels by house to South America to save the bird named Kevin? And, ultimately, wins the heart of a cranky old man? He's even cuter in real life.

Words of a retiring spanish teacher.

I'll miss crop-dusting the children.

- r.k.

Who is the guy with the bow and arrow?

"Cupid??"

Thanks, MangoRED Photography

Oooh lalalalalala.

Who knew boogie boarders didn't have to be

chubby 12 year olds?

Great food at a great price? Ehh...

We're glad Phil has finally agreed to read Harry Potter so that we don't have to continue holding that grudge. And now we can't wait to go to Casa Bonita with him because he's one of the few people who understands the true glory of that beautiful place.

"You go to Casa Bonita because 
it's hilarious and ironic."

I can't. I really can't.

I can't wait to get home and make my popcorn soggy with this magical spray. And the whole time I'll keep repeating to myself, "Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable."

Then I'll jog and get sidecramps and be all like "Why they gotta make it so much like butter?"

We needed a good sweaty cry.

"I think what we could learn from our movie last night is that life is hard, but it's not impossible to raise a child even when you have the capacity of a 7-year-old." - b.a.b.

Sometimes Brittany's insight gives me chills.

Like water for gremlins.

At first you think the little elementary kids are cute. Then, you have to do lunch duty. And monsters. Disgusting, scary monsters. And I'm not even just thinking about the lunchables kid who had pizza sauce on his arm, wiped it off on his pants, and told me, "No, that's not pizza sauce. That's my eczema. See?"

Yeah, buddy. And the manner with which you are scratching it assures me that it is most itchy.

"Hold on to your butts."

I am proud to be of the generation that was scared shitless at too young of an age while sitting front row to watch Jurassic Park. It gave us backbone. And so so many nightmares.

This is why we can't even tell secrets out loud in foreign countries like the rest of the world can.

Today I spoke with Dimitri Pannapoulodois of the Netherlands for some science help.  He spoke better English than me, using such words as "Colleague" rather than "A woman I work with."

Way to show me up to my own self.

3 in 2 days

I can't stop eating Ikea cinnamon rolls!  They're my favorite thing about that big blue box.

"Curse you, Duncan family! And your stupid dog too!"

Thanks stupid family decals, for letting me know the surname of the family which I curse and flip the bird! It's much more satisfying to know how many members of the family I'm going to have to vanquish when the time for avenging turn-signal ignorance is come. Bill Nye, Fingers and toes lost to frostbite mom, squiggly sister,  My shirt shrunk in the wash but I kind of like it brother, Baby Herman, and dog. Got it.

We love aquasize.

We love it for 2 main reasons:
1. It's funny to try and stand on a noodle.
2. We're the youngest and almost prettiest in the pool.

But we were trumped on Wednesday by newer, more polished versions of ourselves.  It was the worst.

Not a good idea

to read The Last Lecture when you are subbing. Because you think it's safe since you listened to 3/4ths of it on tape and never finished it and you say "Might as well" when you see it sitting on the shelf. But what you don't know is that the last 1/4th are the tear-your-heart-out chapters, where his wife asks him not to die and he reveals that everything - all of it - was for his kids.

And then you're trying not to choke as you stiffle back tears and of course a student notices and asks aloud, "Are you crying?!" And you nod your head because you can't say anything but "This book. It's really sad."     And suddenly you're the crazy old lady.

Just because it's short, doesn't mean it should be sad.

I don't understand why short stories are chock-full of characters who have no morals, crazy ladies, and dads who are sweet but so depressed.

Please, someone to write a compilation of tales about characters I'm rooting for!

Childhood Dreams Come True

This weekend, we did what we always wanted to do: hatch a dissolvable sponge capsule in our mouths.

BAB incubated a green duck.

I mothered a green rooster that we all wrongly thought was a walrus.

Ryan hatched a blue sheep.

It tasted slightly soapy and felt weird when the new texture of the sponge contrasted with the gel capsul. Shout out to Ryan for having the guts to lead the way and not be discouraged by the nay sayers. And shout out to Brittany for looking at Ryan and immediately popping one in, saying, "I've always wanted to try this."

PNAS

It's a well respected scientific journal that I also suspect was created to trick idiot students.  Because when you say the acronym out loud, it sounds dirty.



Yeah they got me, thank goodness I was just trying to sound smart to one person, rather than a room of people.




(Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences)

Not a mushy post

But, he's just the boy for me. I love him. I love him so much and I don't care who knows it! And I can't wait to get home and hug him and kiss him again and again and again and again.

The future generation might be ok!

Today in a 5th grade classroom, a girl told her classmates, "I'm going to be Shirley Temple." And then a chorus of squealy voices chimed, "I LOVE Shirley Temple." And be damned if they didn't start singing about animal crackers in their soup. It was so adorable I could spit.

Me too, girls. Me too.

Viet Hoa

Sure, it's a little intimidating to go to the Vietnamese super market. But, they have all that crazy stuff! I gotta get that crazy stuff and take a small bite, see if my tongue isn't numb, then continue to take more bites! Yum. It's even worth not knowing what they're saying about me at the register.

But, I know what they're saying. "Big girl! Big girl so sweaty! Doesn't know candy made of shrimp turds." I just came from zumba, lady!

Do the chickens have large talons?

Even though Bab's grandma had a chicken farm, Bab has never held a baby chicken! What the hell, right? She once described it to me as "Remember that scene in Napoleon Dynamite? When he's working on the chicken farm?" Which explains why she has always been very afraid of chickens (and probably why she feels threatened by the larger chicken: geese). That is, until this moment. I was so proud of her! I hope she remembered to wash her hands.

Rocky Mt. high, Colorado.

This was one of my favorite Easters. The mountains were especially beautiful. (Not photoshopped.)

There's a chance we'll be going to Denver so that our friend, Robyn, can show us the glories of nightlife.

So if you buy a drink for a Ms. Shirley Urjoeking,  I thank you.

"I never liked to change my clarinet reed because they were too expensive and I didn't want to have to buy more."

The thought of a small, stingy Julie cracks me up.  A box of 10 reeds for $12 as seen on the interweb.

Eavesdropping

"Yeah, I'm up for getting a beer.  My wife and kid are out of town right now so I'd just be sitting around in my underwear.  You know, because there's nobody there to care."

"Naturally."

Sometimes, when your best friend is trying to fill the awkward silence of a room with an incredibly awkward story (that should remain only in the original moments of creation), you just have to sit back and let them drown. Just because you love them doesn't mean you have to be Leo. You stay on that driftwood above the icey water, letting the frozen body drift down, down, down with the ship. Sure, you're freezing too but no need to die. And then as you think there's no way your BFFL is going to be able to save the story (they've missed so many details and rushed the climax and their sweat-moustache is oh so glittery), you prod them a bit further ("Go on..."). Then, impossibly, they save it. By going beyond what you think they'd be willing to reveal. They go there. And they tell all who listen that you'd mate with the goat family that lives on the mountain atop which you find yourself stranded (in order for your legacy to live on). It is at this point that you remember why you are best friends, and you'd be honored to raise a generation of satyrs with them. It is the recurring theme which you forget the power of; not bestiality - but the simple truth that they are willing to sacrifice you, as well, to get the laugh.

Trivial

Did you know that Napoleon Bonaparte, the tallest man in the world, once wrote his wife a letter saying, "I'll be home in 3 days. Don't bathe."

Bab and I are learning a lot of new things because we're hanging around some smart, funny cats. Mostly, we're learning that we are not as smart nor as funny as we ashoomed. It has been truly eye-opening.

But, we're happy to just be the peanuts in the gallery.

Earth is awesome.

This will rock your world:

"Scientists have discovered that plants generate electrical signals that can be picked up by other plants, and by insects and perhaps animals. Since 1873 when British physiologist Sir John Burdon-Sanderson detected bioelectrical activity following stimulation in plants, a great variety of research has been carried out to better understand how environmental stimuli (also called irritants, such as temperature change, humidity, light, and wounding) affect the electrical signals within and the electric fields that emanate from a plant. In one study, researchers hooked electrodes to the leaves and stem of a philodendron plant. They had ten human subjects come into the room one by one and stand by and/or touch the plant. When one subject tore a few leaves off the plant, the electrical activity in the plant jumped way up. The next day all ten subjects went one by one back into the room and stood next to the plant. When the person who had damaged the leaves of the plant the day before came into the room, the plant's electrical activity again zoomed to a high level. The researchers then put other plants into the room with the philodendron. The next day, each of the ten subjects went into the room with the group of plants. When the "leaf-tearer" walked in, the philodendron sent out what appeared to be strong warning signals. The other plants must have picked up this alarm, because when the subjects visited on the fourth day, all the plants in the room increased their electrical activity - almost in unison - when the "leaf-tearer" entered the plant area."

So, next time you pick a flower, think carefully about the reputation you are creating, you monster.

*I had to type this paragraph twice, so take the time to comprehend it.
It's from the very interesting book Bats Sing, Mice Giggle.

A lady never tells

I won't speak to you details of what went down at my laser hair removal appointment yesterday. It may or may not have involved nipple hair and having to up the power of the laserbeam.