I wish Bob Costas was my dad

there is nothing BAB and i love more than the olympics. NOTHING. this last summer, thanks to an obscure channel that came through digital tv, we were able to rewatch the entire '08 olympics. and we cried the whole time.

the winter olympics are swiftly approaching, so we strongly advise you to begin preparing for it in the American tradition, neh:

OHNO! IT'S APOLO FLAVOR-SAVER TIME.

grow for the gold, eh?
U! S! A!

$ + $ = :D

If you have money your job can be crafting.  Crafting and making Greeting Cards.

Did I ever tell you about the time I got SO fat, they had to use one of those cranes to get me out of the house?

generational gaps

"We need to find those things that go over shoes so we don't get foot-rot if it rains."

"They're called rubbers!"

"Mom, we can't just google that. There would just be a bunch of pictures of things we'll never need."

"Condoms."

"And we would try to put them over our shoes and we'd be like, 'Why are they so small?'"

"And, 'Why are they so slippery?'"

"You guys, stop."

"We can't."

"Ever."

our heaven on earth

We only do things if we're promised we can swim at the hot springs afterwards.

Climb that mountain? Never. Oh, we get to go to Glenwood after? Alright.

Go see giant ice sculptures? No way. Did you just say Glenwood? BAB's already waiting in the car.

Bury this body-shaped object for you? Sir, we don't even know you. You'll drive us to Glenwood after?! How deep do you want it?

and don't you come back no more

B and I feel very protective of Brendan Fraser. So, take whatever insolent comment you were just about to make about this precious fool and moonwalk on outta here. I mean it. Right now.

Randy Johnson Retires

I'll miss that ugly mug.

cannonball!

you know the person you're hanging out with is having a good time when he turns to you and asks, "have you ever thought about your own funeral?"

thanks, i guess.

these days when we visit BAB's grandparents, we fix our hair and put on make-up and change out of our pjs, lest Mam-ma says, yet again, "You just need to be who you are in life."

which we now realize means, "It's alright by me if you two are lesbians."

She's #1 in the 18lb weight class

You'll be crying "Uncle!" within 10 seconds of this little lady saying "Do you want a piece of me?"

by the axe of Gimli!

Jay H. H. III is one of those cool mofos who
can attend a testosterone-fueled, borderline inappropriate
"guys' weekend in the mountains" and KEEP HIS SHIRT ON.





that's why we love him.

my kindred hair-spirit

"The Snarl"
How to do the do:
1) never brush hair
 2) take a lot of naps
                       where you flop around           
                       3) don't fight it, embrace it        

pretty much sums up every hanging-at-the-bar experience we've ever had

Dale: Don't mind us, we were just Riverdancing.
Us: We Know.
Dale: YOU KNOW Riverdancing?
JAN: Michael Flately.
Dale: WhOA! You really know Riverdancing. You even know his name.
BAB: Don't even get her started.
Dale: Oh my.
JAN: Fine, I used to have a crush on him. So what. I was 8. He had a tattoo. He was a babe.
Dale: WHOA! You're blushing. Ooohhoohoh.
JAN: I'm not ashamed. He was athletic! It's better than Brittany's secret crush: Dr Martin Luther King Jr.
Dale: WHOA!
BAB: He was an ACTIVIST.

where does the funny go?

sometimes after i write something provacative yet hilarious i feel that after i click "publish post" my brain workings go out into a great mysterious void, never to make human contact.

it has been foretold

one day us two will take our canoe and paddle out and claim an island as our own. but then we will disagree on the name of the island and we will start a war. and our species will die out. because of our ignorance.

failure to thrive

I hate it when I start a story and immediately realize how feeble it is but I have to continue because the person I'm talking to is looking me in the eyes.

"We tried to go camping once but everything failed, and we ended up going to Horsetooth and eating the watermelon on the shore in the new folding chairs we just bought specifically for the camping trip and yeah. I wish I could go to Bora Bora!"

[Julie puts plugged-in phone charger in mouth]

"Look, Brittany! I'm charging myself!"
"If you electrocute yourself, I'll be so pissed off at you."
"Wha?"
"I'd drive you to the hospital, but I'd hate you."

"Have you ever seen The Deported?" "Is that like the Mexican version of The Departed?"

BAB and I recently sat down for our annual viewing of "The Departed." And, sure, we may not understand it all, but I'll tell you what we do understand: fine pieces of ace.

I wish I had never learned Gene Kelly was such a mean director

"She was probably so scared filming this scene."
"Yeah, I bet if she messed up Gene Kelly would smack her."

Fleetwood Mac and Cheese

I never understand Before and After puzzles on Wheel of Fortune, which is why I try to never watch it.

through the valley of the shadow of death

Snowshoeing was the BEST! Everything went swimmingly! We didn't get stuck in a snow drift for an hour! We didn't go get lost in the woods! We didn't have to hike up a mountain in the dark! We didn't cry really really hard when we finally made it back after 4 hours! Finally, things are looking up for BAB and JAN.

i'll believe in anything, if you believe in anything

you just pour it in and wish really hard for it to pop

"i wonder what he hated most about hanging out with us?"

"oh, there are so many possibilites."

"it was probably when we made him floss."

OMG OMG OMG

brittany's brother-in-law sent me a thank you for always being really loud when i'm at his house. i was pretty excited about it. as i was reading, i discovered an encrypted message that has left me shocked and elated. looka here:

holy moley. i knew it. eyan, if LeeAnne is forcing you to look at this while she reads it aloud, know this: i've been waiting for this letter my whole life.

I had a friend who tried to get drunk off those little liquer chocolates.

I'm pretty sure JAN beat the world record at Old Chicago yesterday, we just can't remember.

parents

my mom always tries to tell me and BAB
that they weren't hippies.
this is a photo of their wedding day.

i don't know what is more hippie about it: that they were married in a field, or that they weren't wearing any underwear.

resolution: quit being an idiot

my inability to listen to people if i'm doing something else, like breathing, is a burden on my broad shoulders that i'm beginning to realize has often skunked me. even worse is my habit of answering people as if i know what they just said. it has lead to many awkward situations. like that one time when a guy came up and tried to talk to me while i was counting the number of times i heard his jaw click, and the next thing i know, i'm a member of Jews for Jesus, and i'm passing out fliers outside of the Hebrew Educational Alliance.

imagine their disappointment in me when i confessed after 3 months that i had always been a fan of Jesus. have you ever felt the scorn of a Rebbe? it's like when your grandma says, "shame on you," but a billion times worse because of the beautiful curly beard.

You Don't Like Kevin!!!

Two goblins I found on the street, put a few signs up for their owners to find, and ended up giving to my sister.

a hero is born out of a childhood trauma.

i fear that the young man who kept coming back to watch us play racquetball today may have seen through our secret identities.

we should have played more cautiously.

my neck

today, as i was skipping out to the mailbox, i noticed the sky was delightfully glorious.
and then i ate it on a sheet of ice.

it's only day two of 2010... it's going to be a long year.

do you feel like we just missed out on the one thing that could have redeemed this trip?

"And we'll be like City Slickers."
"Who will you be?"
"Billy Crystal."
"I'll be the guy from Home Alone."
"The one that cheats on his wife?"
"I'll be the 3rd guy. Who hates his life."
"Perfect."

i only draw these because she hates them so much

To BAB,

Happy New Year, pal.

All my love,

JAN

If only he didn't have all those annoying children. And a thing for charismatic nuns.

This is one Captain I'd like to make some sweet music with.

(he's a babe AND he hates Nazis... a rare combination.)

i don't cry myself to sleep about it.

i guess i can at least respect that eyan can NOT laugh at my jokes.

i guess.

Julie hasn't done The Wheeze since who knows when. What we need is another stinky pen moment or a situation where she sets me up to be disgusted.

cum laude

if i had been allowed to make a speech at graduation, i would have said, "i'd like to thank my mother, who let me nurse 'till i was 3."

i take it as a compliment

"Do you know they used to call me the Nutcracker?"

"Why?"

"I was taller than all the boys; my knees were at optimum level. And I was an aggressive soccer player at recess."

It's Good For The Earth

Sorry if we recycle jokes once in a while. It feels new every time.

You can't just say you're a nice person and think that actually proves anything

A word from us:

Sorry we ruined your lives. And crammed 11 cookies into the VCR.


Merry Christmas, mofos.

We never said it was funny.

It is estimated that 3 out of 10 puppies are suffering from depression. Puppy suicide is on the rise. Second only to mange, it is the number one cause of death for puppies. Puppy suicide is no laughing matter. Please, talk to your puppy. Tell them they are not alone.

Tell me I didn't ask Santa for that Fisherprice toolbelt

This is me and Fred, The World's Greatest Hamster. Shortly hereafter, he smelled the cheerio residue on my hands and bit me.

3 years later, Fred will ironically die on Christmas morning. My mom will tell me she saw him climb into Santa's sleigh and fly off to the North Pole. I will feel confused and a little betrayed by both Santa and Fred, for years to come.

Whilst you was asleep

This Christmas eve, I will come to the family gathering armed with a whacking-device. Preferably a wooden bat. The crowbar seems like it would do too much damage, and damage is not what I'm in for. Because my sister is likely not recieving a ring this Christmas, I have devised a plan to knock out the idiot. He will slip into a coma for a day or three, and when he comes to, we will all congratulate him on the engagement. When he says he doesn't remember ever getting on one knee, I'll gently tell him he has lacunar amnesia. If he asks if I got this idea from that Sandra Bullock movie, I'll gently whack him again. Maybe with the crowbar.

read this and adore

"One Christmas night my parents were being horrible and fighting like usual, and I stepped outside for a minute to get away from it all. The stars were so bright. And I wanted to run away. Then I heard the faintest jingle of bells. My heart was beating fast and I was holding my breath, looking up at the sky, as the bells got louder and closer. Then a car drove by, and I realized the noise was coming from the chains on the tires... But for a minute, I truly believed it was Santa."

"How old were you?"

"In my late 30s."

Happy birthday, mamsie.

Driving down the highway in North Carolina

"Was that a live chicken?"

"Where?"

"Right by the side of the road."
"I wonder why he was going to cross it."

"JINX."

I think we're onto something

"Was this milk sour?"

"It tasted fine to me."

"Maybe whole milk just gets more like cheese as it gets older."

"People call me Bubba. Just like one of them old redneck boys. Can you believe that?"

Brittany DOES have a heart. And it's in the shape of Tom Hanks.

I'm too excited to go to sleep because tomorrow I get to go out with my 3 best friends!

Julie, Dan and Brian.

down the hatch

"We made up a new drink called the 60Lime."
"Why is it called that?"
"You have to put 60 cherries in your glass."