The saddest thing I ever read

"When did Bobby get so chunky?"

"When he lost 5 pounds from being fat."

Different Strokes

Sure, I "oooh"ed - as was my feminine duty - over the jewel-encrusted Valentine's bracelet that my coworker donned. And sure, she said "cute" when I told her I got a tray of ikea cinnamon rolls. But you know we both walked away thinking "Poor chump!"

Video game lovers.

Don't try to converse during cow-frogger.

Chili rellenos

that my mom doesn't remember adding bacon to.

Thoughts of a 3rd grader whose nano baby has been banned from school.

"I gotta feed my baby.  She's probably shitting all over the place!"

Stand up Richard Pryor

Man, the people in the audience think he's a riot, but I'm being honest when I say I can not understand a single word. Are they really picking up what he's laying down? I can only image they're laughing so hard so often because he has lit a little piece of himself on fire again.

Thanks JAN

for chatting on the phone with me tonight so that I "couldn't" do homework

That little girl sure loves boobs.

Half-warm

I woke up with one sock on this morning.

Channel your Magic Eye skills to see the frozen fish Sugar tried to eat on the shores of Lake Michigan

sucker

The worst would be having to call the IT department to say,
     
      "I clicked You Gotta See This! on that forward.  Please come fix my computer."

Little Indians

It was difficult to shovel in our naan, masala, and paneer while simultaneously complaining about how small and conductive the serving bowls were. We had to remember to swallow, "MMmmm", then complain. Also annoying was the man with the sitar. But, they taught us our lesson when he finished and they put in cassette side B "Jazz Flutes Forever."

You wouldn't know it from the above paragraph, but we (three) had a good time hanging out last night and of course had leftovers even though "how tiny are these bowls?"

Indiana's #1 Vacation Destination

Fair Oaks Farm.  Where a calf is born every day.  I only saw 2 hooves, then the mom got tired.  The already birthed babies were probably cuter anyway.  

"Let us sing the school song!"

Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march. Dumbledore conducted their last few lines with his wand and when they had finished, he was one of those who clapped the loudest. "Ah music," he said, wiping his eyes. "A magic beyond all we do here! And now, bedtime. Off you trot!"

- JK Rowling

I like that hat.

Nobody can beat Pope John Paul II for "best Pope ever." And I'm not saying I would come close, but I am saying if I had been born a boy, my parents were to name me John Paul. Plus, if a ex-Hitler's Youth can make it to the Vatican... there's hope. Pope hope. 

Shame on you

I'd like whoever called the fuzz on Todd Helton to raise their right hand. Now, whip-it quickly across your face!

Poor Todd just needed a lotto ticket. And if he's made it to the world series mostly wasted, then like hell he's not going to make it to the local Qwik-e-mart.

I know a lot of childhood-hero images were crushed with this picture, but most shocking to me: that's what was under the chinchilla goatee all these years? yeesh.

Fierce

Dare I say Bab has learned nothing after all these years of watching America's Next Top Model? NEVER - no, ALWAYS - find the light! Highlight not thy second chins and flared nostrils.

My parents are looking for a new-used car.

Dad doesn't want a Subaru because he's not into the obligatory "coexist" bumper sticker.

Federal and State blow jobs

"Government jobs are bs because you never get a catered lunch or tickets to a sporting event.  Never, because it's illegal." - BAB

The Bachelor had a better time than last week.

"You know, this week, I feel like my future wife could actually be among these 10 women.  What a relief.  So, CHEERS!"

Add it to my hopes and dreams - to someday make a toast in my honor.  Here's to me, the best person in this room.

Super Bowl

Touch footballs games are a little different when you're older. A lot more sweating and a lot less running. Half time refreshments? Coors Light and doobies. And every single person (even the cleat-wearers) will be limping around for a week afterwards, sore as the dickens. One thing will stay the same: when you get two hand-tagged on your boobies, you will be very ashamed.

Fleeting shadow

Well, I was going to wish everyone a Happy MFN Groundhog's Day! But, that happened 3 days ago. Crap. That's why elementary school was great - if there was a holiday, no matter how trivial, you colored at least 25 different pages designed around the celebration, never letting you forget it was coming. How many pictures of MLK Jr. did we have to color? The black crayon was just a nub by February.

"I am alone, floating on a cloud."

Then I got kicked in the head.

The heat was broken at yoga, but the humidity still worked.  I made my mantra to go with it, but then the world told me - "You are but a pinball, and life is a game of pinball."

Know what I love about the Vatican?

How the guards are always clapping so people will shut the eff up and whisper, dammit!

I'm not afraid, but I will Miss you!

Aquasize might make me a little weepy since the last time we haunted those grounds was when Kevin Takeo lived in America (new residence = Los Angeles, "the city of boob honking," as he calls it).  

He sat in the back seat of TJ's focus with us and laughed at all of JAN's wiener jokes.  

A lost blog due to inept note taking

"What was that funny thing we were talking about?"

   "They shut down a highway in L.A.  Something about bank robbers just trying to do their job..."

I do remember laughing pre-tty hard, however the joke doesn't come across so well in retrospective brain storming sessions.

The Grinch gave me jury duty!

Opposite-of-Independence day

While the Australians celebrated the arrival of the British (uh, aren't you supposed to get rid of the British? because they love to tar and tax?), we were celebrating the birth of little Robbie. And I didn't realize until just now - it was her golden birthday! Mama-mia! Good thing we did it right. In sequential order:
1) Zumba-ing
2) Danish Eating and praying for God to bless the Danish
3) Teller's mimosas and this-bowl-of-cheese-is-too-small-fondue
4) Teller's surprise 5 Free Birthday drinks!
5) Chiminea and coconut popcorn
6) Chicago Dogs and cinnamon whiskey
7) Napping to Royal Tenenbaums

Happy golden day, sweet baby!

Jan and Bab offend the Kenyan people

We were pretty excited to have our dear friend Robyn say she'd permit us to come visit Africa with her the next time around. We were so excited, we offered to bring a zebra to the family BBQ! A zebra we chased down in the savanna ourselves! But, apparently, a zebra is the most offensive thing you could ever bring to a BBQ. Things got serious around the mimosa table when she said, "No! You guys, you do not eat zebras." And although it's not like killing a unicorn, it IS like killing a stripey horse. Whoa! I'm glad we worked this out early. We'd hate to be stuck with all that meat as a souvenir. "Eat up you guys - this was meant to feed a village in Africa."

 Good old fashioned goat meat BBQ it is!

Sensibility

Fame and fortune await!

Long ago, JAN and I started brainstorming ideas for when we got our own tv show.  I was reading a few of the ideas tonight (JAN tries unsuccessfully to tame a litter of kittens) and lol'd to myself.

One of us is going to have to change our hair color, because a good show never had 2 brunettes in it.

What about Bab?

I literally made no first impression in class when my teacher tried to skip over me during student introductions.  

I went with the "She's on my committee so she didn't need me to introduce myself to her," excuse rather than, "I guess I blend in exactly with the wall."

It's more like a salad. On a pizza.

Yes it's true.  I had to dump pizza crumbs out of my keyboard at work today.

My bindi

Everybody's been real cool about not directly staring at the zit between my eyes.  Thanks guys.

Congratulations, murderer.

If you have a hard time supporting him, just try to remember who ever he murdered probably deserved it.

Why so glum?

Remember how during the Olympics, we were like Oooh, the Queen is grumpy! And then England was like Say that again, scum, and you'll be eating your own liver. 

Whoa.

I respect how much they love that old bag. The most offended we ever get over our leader's reflection is how they always cast Billy Bob Thornton as if he's the one face of America. 

Dehydration Knowhow

You lose the most moisture from your eyes, so that's why if you're dehydrated, you should keep your eyes shut. And, you can't drink your own pee, but if you drink someone else's it's not poisonous to your body.

These facts brought to you by J.A.N.


my family didn't know whether to scoff or write these tips in their survival handbooks. 

Adulthood

"Last weekend to finish Harry Potter!  I was going to finish it when I got home last night, but I was pretty tipsy and it's the chapter called The Sacking of Severus Snape so it'll be a tense one.  I need to be sober for it. "  - BAB

Birthday memories

"The flash didn't go off... can you see us?" - Jan
"Yeah." - Bab

pfffffffffffffff!

"I hate warts. Warts are gross. I should hope I never get a wart."

Said the man to 4 people, no less than 3 of them being wart survivors.

"TO PROTEST"

Is how a wise BAB would have finished the sentence I went to the rodeo on Saturday... to her work's local PETA member.



she whispered animal cruelty to herself. 
  And I refrained from saying, "I bet most those guys love animals as much as you do."

John Fox is an ass

and tomorrow's paper will be riddled with 100s of these.

Weakness is its greatest weakness

My agressive technique and tight teeth keep breaking this floss!

12 Days Gift #9: I insist it's candy.

At first glance, I thought Awesome, some sort of giant sucker.  

But then the stick fell out.  So I was like, Cool Mexican candy that's not on a stick.

Then I actually looked at the tag and it was hair ties wrapped around a ball to look like candy!

I ate moldy cheese?

I maybe ate moldy cheese last night. The cheese had mold on it. And I ate the cheese.

I'll never know.

m.f.e.o.

You know that guy you heard tell of a while ago, the one from precious stories? The one who in an interview said his favorite thing to drink was milk? And how from that sentence in a magazine, you put a special nook in your heart for him, for no reason except that you liked something he said? And then a few years later you meet him and he is very very tipsy and tries to pick you up and you say Aghdoon't!? You know how this same guy then goes out of your realm of possibility until one day, as you and your best friend are driving to Glenwood to bring in a New Year – bragging about how happy you are to be alone because now neither of you have to worry about covering up your zits or putting on a bra – he is suddenly sitting in the back of your car listening willingly to what you and your best friends have to say? And he laughs a lot and tells you the one thing you’ve been waiting your whole life to hear from a dude: he read your blog and that it’s Pri-tty hilarious? But for a week or two, you are heartbroken because you accidentally shot a hole in his dating kite (of course you did, story of your lowly life!) – yet, alas, your best friend comes to the rescue and explains that you are just an idiot. Well, you know how that guy and you start hanging out and eating cheap tacos and taking naps? And one early day you find out that, through silly twists and turns of life, he has come to own the same green folding chair that you grew up standing on, in your little mermaid pajamas, to dye Easter eggs? The same green chair, which you know for sure because on the bottom your mom wrote your last name (in her unmistakable that’s-my-mom’s!-handwriting)? And suddenly you are running-through-airports in love? And even though there are always happy and sad tears, mostly a lot of laughing, your life is becoming something beautiful? Do you know that guy? The same one you once told your mom I like him but he’s too… Short? No – not short. Uh, perfect. You know that guy? 

Well, I found him. And I am going to marry him :)

"My nephew got in trouble at school for wiener punching."

"How old is he?"

"Six."

"Yep, that's about wiener punching age."

Bedtime ghost stories

[listening to roommates in the kitchen late at night]

"Somebody's in our kitchen - robbing us."
"They're stealing all our candy! And mashing it into a ball!"

Hello, 2013!

Chevre

means "Goat" in French.

So when you're out buying cheese and the slice of chevre looks oh so tasty, only pick it up if you like essence of goat barn.

One more lesson learned the hard way.