lunch break entertainment

Poor little nanner jumped off the diving board yesterday and about drowned himself. The lifeguard dove in and fished him out just fine. This was right after all the kids waiting in line behind him had shouted, "Do something cool!"

Expletives at Barnes and Noble

punk kid: "Excuse me, can you pull on this piece of gum?"
jan: "What's it going to do to me?"
  pulls gum
jan: "It zapped me!"
  kids laugh and run away


A few minutes later jan admits the whole truth, "That thing was fucking zappy!"

US v. Germany

Time to dust off the ol' propaganda posters!

Still relevant!

I wonder who Robbie will root for,

what with her Bratwurst heritage

and willingness to assemble?

Yay USA!

TJ & I came up with world cup t-shirts for BAB to wear in Brazil

We thought of them the day after she left.

outdid

"Do you sell iced coffee?"

"No."

"Do you sell coffee?"

"Yes."

"Ok, great. I'll take a cup of coffee with cream, and a cup of ice."

"... That'll be $1.25, sir."

easter bunnies

Judging by her actions last weekend, she's going to dip this bunny in chocolate and devour the entire thing.

You won't even have to double dare her.

Robyn's taking me to the World Cup!

Holy schnikies!  I'll be looking like this the whole time, so watch carefully.

It's easier to just tell people you play soccer so if anyone asks, I'm a full-back.

See ya in a couple weeks, Goooooaaaaallllll!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Days

Happy birthday shout out to my sister Amy.

She's a hell of a good mom to the cutest baby

in the world.

I love her because she has her cake

and sometimes eats it for breakfast, too.

Show me a pottery syllabus and I'll show you a lady who doesn't read a syllabus

weight lifting

a father's advice

"I have 3 primal fears:

Sharks,

Tornadoes,

 and  Bears.

And your mother."

"These are our DRESS sneakers!"

JAN and I will fight for the right to wear dress-up sneakers and so will Ellen.

Which is probably why assumptions are sometimes made.

Happy Friday!

Here's to a good weekend of 

peeing in pools with your 

favorite peeps.

"He wanted sugar wadder." - lady from M.I.B.

Oh gross.We've got an infestation.

Un-Happiest Place on Earth: the highway going past this exit

Can you believe we just drove on by?

There are very few people I would let torture me

like this, so my hubsband should feel honored

I only asked, "Are you SURE you dont want to go? 

Mickey lets us stay until midnight!

I'll buy you a churro!" about 5x.

Give or take.

It felt so un-American.

Reason #804 why JAN's my BFFL

She saved the Reese's candies from her Easter basket for me and I get to eat one every time I go over to her house!  

I'm sensitive, alright?

Don't tease me about the bundles of "change holders" I'm going to end up with because of my crappy pottery skills.  It hits a nerve I can't recover from.

Mermaid currency

JAN told me she found 5 sand dollars snorkeling, sounds more like she robbed a mermaid bank.

A place to catch food

I got the gap re-instated between my teeth and I swear I look poorer now. 

Life Lesson #1

Don't be the backboard!  

We learned this playing the ancient sport of college beer pong.  I think there is some sort of wisdom in there.

The weck jar metal clasp reminded me of those times today when it hopped off the jar lid and bounced off my belly.

Perspective

"I love the easter reese's because they come in a carrot shaped bag, so you can pretend they're healthy carrot bites!"
- J.A.N.

Bean there! Done that!

A wonderfully cheesy joke donated by Aunt Maggie.

Everyone has to say, "Because they call the city Beantown.....................................................................................wait, no, that's Boston.  Chicago is The Windy City."

I'm gonna lay my head on the chest i know

That stray puppy walked past everyone on the beach

and stopped in front of TJ, nodded,

then gently curled up in the shade 

and put his damned adorable head right in TJ's lap,
his paw on TJ's foot.

They hung out like this for a long while
and TJ named him Pedro.

That's just the kind of man TJ is.


Feliz cumpleanos, muchacho!

Qbert says, "Have a great weekend, honkies!"

endangered Species List

This baby's been going strong for 10 years - it was one of the flukes that missed the factory line where they implanted a "die in 4 years" chip. I feel like writing about it is tempting fate -but I just want to say I'm proud of you little buddy! Stay with me forever! And let's work on making our "25 most played" list not include more than one alanis mortissette song.

Poor mom; when your sister knows no shame, you pay and strangers are entertained.

JAN does the best haircuts

Way better than cutting my own, where last time I snipped my neck a little.

Don't let the weekend be over!

What a good Sunday: best friend time, baby time, Amy time, The Rio time.  Ahhhh.

Now we go back to our most unnatural environment, work.  

Thursdays are just days to be endured until you can get to Friday

Soak up that mother f.n. beauty.

Hubba hubba

My new celebrity crush is NHL hockey refs as a group.

They break up a fight with utter confidence, tell players to "Quit it," and wear high-wasted pants like nobody I know.

We stayed at Yogi Bear Campground

I was honorary member of several youth groups.  That's what you get being a non-churched kid at a charter school.  

The middle school thoughts of bab rafting with a friend's church group, as expressed by falsetto TJ.

"Dam this river!"
      "Cheese and crackers."

"Fear not!"  

if you ever wondered what we email about all day

"DID you read about how scientists grew skin cells into replacement noses and vaginas? It sounds so crazy and cool, but it's not like you can talk about it with anyone... 'Did you hear they can grow vaginas now?'"

"I'm always glad to hear when they can grow another body-part, it opens up my options for being reckless. Now my vag doesn't have to be so scared of bicycle riding."

Give him an oscar

I like The Rock because he's like, "I'll take any role. And act the shit out of it."

Haunting

Cats really need to stop looking at people through windows.

tupelo honey

You should be thankful this photo is blurry

because if you saw her preciousness in full glory

your heart would swell, and you'd run out on to the street

and start making out with the first man you see, 

offering to buy him dinner and a drink, and

he'd only get scared when you leaned in 

over your whiskey-coke and 

said, "Her name will be Hannah."

You can get people to say anything

For example:  I kept calling Lake Michigan, "The ocean," and had a couple converts by the end of the trip.  Heh!

Candy that I should've outgrown, but never did.

(please don't look too close at my crackly hands)

I'm on top of the world!

"Taxi to Willis Tower, please."  

"Sears Tower.  But you can call it whatever you want."

"As long as you call it Sears Tower."

2 can be as sad as 1

It might be the sinus pressure on mah brain, but I am feeling chatty today and my peeps are either working or vacationing! I'm seriously considering crafting a new friend. I have a trashcan full of tissue that's just sitting here, unanimated!

Hey, how do you make a tissue jive like a puppet?

Put a little boogie in it.

See what happens when i'm all alone? Lameness.

Someday I will be a beautiful butterfly and zen everything will be bettah! - Heimlich

I'd like to learn to paraglide if I could be guaranteed I wouldn't die in the process. Some chumps would say it's the possibility of death that makes the adventure, but I'd say its the possibility that you could watch your pee fall 1,000 feet that's the real thrill.

BAB and TJ left me

Both of my peeps abandoned me for a few days, home all alone! Just me and Hooch, and we're both worried I'm going to forget to feed her. I gave her some of my popcorn dinner last night, so she's fine for a few days or whatever.

"You remember how to work the gun, right?"

"Yeah, turn off the safety..."

"There is no safety for that gun."

"Really? Yikes. Load the bullets."

"It's already loaded."

"Really? Yikes."

sweatyhand soul mate

"Remember how Chuck Ragan was looking at me?!"
"Yeah, he seemed into it."

[hours later]
"So... what part of me do you think he liked best? My hair? My dance moves? My black tshirt?..."

Do not eat

I have to keep reminding myself these are pesticide covered seeds and not wasabe covered peas, mmmmmmm, pass me a wasabe covered pea please.

My apartment flooded! WTF?

Ben and I soaked up the water with all our good towels, drank a beer, lifted the couch onto some wooden stilts and split a bottle of wine.  

The worst is the dehumidifier, it's like they're trying to mummify me!

Gotta change my email

What I need is a fake email address for when the family sends out mass emails like, "What do you want to bring to eat for Easter Sunday?"  and "When can you help put in Grandma's sprinkler system?"

I'd like to show my love in some other way, thank you.

You don't get the full BAB experience until you get the JANandBAB experience

"I'm going out on a Tinder date, so...
 if I don't come back, avenge me."
                                - bab

Bill Jr.

"If she runs for prez, I might have to vote for her."
"I know. Me too."

And then our heads spun all the way around and we sat there blinking rapidly for five minutes.

own it

Oh sweet succulent Friday,

We're gonna make you our biotch - 

we're gonna buy you flowers,

make you some dinner

with a marg, and tell you

How long we've waited 

for you to come back to us.

i bet a dude who gets his crotch sniffed by a bomb-sniffing dog is at once both terrified and super proud.

This guy sneaked into my office and sniffed out my crafting bag! He scared the bejeezus out of me when I heard a weird scuffly noise and saw a tail lurking in the corner of my eye. I thought my coworkers had accidentally let in a wild something, and just as I was about to scream "raccoon!" I realized he was just on-duty, scoping the joint for a little TNT. Good puppy.