Sleepy tales of Chicago

"We were so tired from Amish Country last night, we didn't even talk and laugh a bunch before falling asleep."

please let this never be real life

This morning, I woke up, ashamed of myself, from a dream where I was a total creeper.  

Someone had to ask me to stop sitting on people's laps and find a chair of my own :( 

Friday thank you

I'd like to take this minute to publicly thank my bffl BAB for not being into any of those mini-vendor parties women guilt other women into attending.  Thank you for not making me feel obligated to sit in your living room with ladies where i have to pretend to like the hooker-effect of Mary Kay makeup or the 'I would have totally dug this when I was 5' jamberry nails or makes my nose tingle and temples throb scensy candles or this is not original in anyway I've seen my grandma wear it grandma jewelry!

The only party B likes to throw is bust open a box of wine and watch Superbad on repeat. RSVP for one, please!

Thursday Peptalk

This man, Faried (not pronounced Fah-ryed),

just turned 25. And even though he's getting

the shit stuffed out his nose, he is also

getting paid more in one year than you will
your entire life.

He just turned 25.

Makes you regret not being born 

a small black boy in the projects,

doesn't it?

Announcement hurled upon deaf ears

"Forget what you never even listened to!" 

jan finds love on vacation

bums

I can't imagine being homeless in Chicago,

it's too cold there! But I guess it would be

hard to make your way to Mexico if

your brain doesn't work very well.
                 - bab

You tell me

how to play the game Guess the alphabet letter with your tongue and not look like a perv.

calm feelings

He lulls me into sleep, 

crunching on bamboo,

 humming old Chinese commercial jingles

which just sound beautiful to me

because I don't know the translation.

It's been a no nonsense campaign so far

"Sending babies to prison?"  


how could you vote for someone who supports that? although, holy smokes, that prison baby is hilarious.

"I'm glad you are here with me. Here at the end of all things, Sam."

That's Frodo speaking.  And that line can make our eyes water all by itself.

They're just tears!

hot springs

"This feels like Europe."

"Because we're playing games in a weird place

and eating a bunch of weird snacks?" 

"Yep."

Group vote

Without my consent it's been declared that I am a baby a.k.a the weakling of the group.  Just because I made TJ carry my backpack across that land bridge and cried, got glass in my finger during stained glass class, and was pukey that one time we were moving on the hottest day of the year.

jan also pointed out I'm tone deaf.

great advice. hurts every time.

it was jan's bday 2 days ago

Here's to another year of honing your pool floating skills.

the monkey's his uncle

Get us enough wine by a campfire and find a proper primate walking stick, and Bab and Jan

do a pretty supreme Rafiki imitation.

old school

"He's probably inside looking at dirty magazines... 

Do they even have dirty magazines anymore?"

"Nah, it's all online now, dad."

shakey graves comforts

The world lost a good man yesterday,

a definite piece to TJ's honest soul.

Yet while we cry the sun keeps shining

and is oh so warm.

Smell those shrimp, they're beginnin to boil.

You WILL respect this movie!

"What if, throughout the whole movie he kept getting his hair out of way."

"Like this" shaking head side to side in big swoops

"Or brushing it aside with his pinkie."

Then we wheezed and disrespected the movie we had just told TJ he had to like.

kitty's gonna shake shake shake shake shake

Announcement:

Taylor Swift got a cat.

Happy Friday.

scallop collecting dream

"It combines my wife's

two favorite things:

snorkeling and treasure hunting."

                                    - TJ

scout leader

"I'm texting Robbie's boyfriend about camping this weekend."
"Whatcha gonna tell him? Bring two feathers and 5 oz. elk urine?"
"Don't give them pointy sticks after that much wine."

Grimey

It's a worm that flew up onto my bike pedal in the rain at some point and dried out to die.  sick

what's the bfd?

Hey Jeffco Public Schools, why so glum? Who cares if the school board is sanctioning censorship in the name of patriotism? What's so wrong about that? I mean North Korea has been doing it for years, and look how happy those people are!

good for hemroids

"Abe would be proud. That thing has got to be a beast."
"I like that it dares to claim it's 'comfortable.'"
"Who'da thought, we only had to crane it in."
"Welp, I guess we'll put it in the basement. Since it fell through the floorboards."

"Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!"

Give us a lot of whiskey 

and a scerry movie about monkies

and this is what - exactly what - Jan and Bab turn in to:

Yo quiero always

"Remember how Taco Bell had no ill affects on us whatsoever?! Hahaha."
"Were we the only ones who didn't suffer, but in fact, were strengthened by Taco Bell? Those weaklings."

No mo' hobo

I'm trying to not wear pajama shirts to work so often.

It's supposed to walk the line of man-monkey lady love

Boost our cokes with a little whiskey and jan and bab turn into 2 ladies who are a little scared and have a lot of comments.

flirt

I've been riding my bike the longway home - sans light rail shortcut - and I've been cat-called 2x! The first one was something about my "booty." From a white guy in a station wagon. Pffffff. But the second time was from a 8 year old blonde chubster, sitting on a fence with his razor, who called out , "I like your bike!" To which I halla'd back, "Thanks! I like your scooter." He looked like this, with a little more chub and no coonskin hat. If he had been wearing a davy crockett, I would have stopped my bike and chased him around the playground until he let me hug him.

"Yeah, I was in BANNF and saw some elk."

Is what a d-bag says to the ladies, who shared their elk viewing rock, prompting one to be confused and the other to make sure, "That's in Canada, right?"

Follow-up question: "What do the elk look like up there?"  cause we're thinking thicker fur, lighter color coats due to more snow, name harnesses, because honestly, some of those could be Santa's.

"They look exactly the same. No difference at. all."

We should done the world a favor and nudged him off the steep side the rock ever so gently.

all about that bass, no treble

This sunset was comforting after I had to slam on my brakes while I was adjusting my lumbar pillow - which made me honk accidentally at the car full of black ladies and then I felt compelled to yell to them, "Sorry! I didn't mean to honk my horn!" I don't think they could hear me though because they were laughing too hard. I'm such a cracker sometimes it's embarrassing.

duck dynasty

I was recently told " you don't want chickens, get ducks." And now I am convinced I want ducks! Aside from the health benefits of their eggs and lack of vicious pecking order - I want them because I will make them believe I am their mama and then will show them the way south in my ultralight glider (shaped like a duck) showing them the migratory path our grandfathers once travelled from Poland.

Mission impossible accomplished

After 2 weeks of dedication, I just finished reading this here blog in its entirety.  Here are 2 facts about our baby: there are roughly 1700 posts, the best one is all of them, don't even try to pick a favorite because one of us will be a little hurt and it began back in a little house in Ft. Collins that had yellow paint and brown trim (a terrible combination of colors).

It's interesting to point out that there used to be a lot more fictional tales, we've transitioned to mostly true stories these days.  My catch phrase is usually 'real life is more hilarious than fake,' but sometimes it's not because in the fake world raccoons glow in the dark and tease you, little league allows 2 adult ladies to join their team, we arm wrestle, join the Lollipop Guild, visit the original, incorrect 4-corners and grow Todd Helton goatees.

It was voted Best Thing to Look at on the Interdoobie independently by both jan and i.

hufflepuffins

"HP symphony on NPR Classical!"
"Wahhhttt! Also it snowed this morning!"
"Magical times all around! There was a story on NPR about abortion and I was like too much for a Friday! then I switched to classical and it was HP!"
"Christmas has come early! Actually, no snow here, just fog and cold. More like when the dementors come to town."
"See what I'm sayin about NPR? No balance! It's either flute music and talking about butterflies or crazy hard core news! Dementors! Haha - it was very Privet Drive-esque!"
"True, you have no time to prepare for the butterfly report or the abortion one."
"Bab - you need to eat some chocolate. It will help you feel better. Prof Lupin told me so."
"Great idea! Thank goodness for my chocolate covered coffee bean stash."
"Mmmmm chocolate beans!?"

she fell down a hill and fell asleep in my arms. best b-day party ever.

Tuesday, favorite baby turned 1.

Last year it was biblical flooding 

and today it might snow.

She is pure magic,

especially when it comes to making

her Uncle Yay fall madly in love with her.

I can't wait to see what other powers

she reveals this year. 

Live it up, sweet love of mine...

Go bike up a hill in the mountains.

There's no air and it feels like you're biking straight up a mountain and soon you'll hit the moon.

technology is cyclical

Every time someone brags about how they just bought an old record for $20, I tell them how my sister once put our Fraggle Rock vinyl on top of the lamp to keep it out of my other sister's reach but then the heat of the incandescent bulb melted the plastic and what ensued was family crisis '88 and lots of crying. Mostly to prove the point that records are lame and if you're spending $20 on an old warpy album then they heard you comin' in your tight hipster pants a mile away. "Swish vrrr. Swish vrrr. Swish vrrr." - your pants

to know her is to love her

This is the woman

who donated half of Bab's DNA.

And it all makes sense now,

doesn't it?

I worked very hard to make it to the last book.

Mostly because the cover looks so good.

thank yer

"Julie, If I saw you on the street

I would guess you were a 

field hockey player. You know,

'cause those girls are big and strong."

If I had a dollar for every time

I've been told that exact same thing...

can't stop won't stop groovin

Damned if I wanted to not like this music video. But, I do! I like it a lot. TJ is allowed to

like it too, mostly because he said once that every time he hears an interview with her that she gets less cute.

$40 and the drinks aren't free-flowing?

I can get drunk and paint

a shitty painting at my own house,

thank you.

So help us,

if the it didn't burn her scalp, blonde would be here to stay!

Wishbones are rigged.

Tour de Fort. Friendly words of competition were exchanged.

I was King of the Mountain today!  However, it was old lady in spandex (which surely had a built-in butt cushion) who ended with the yellow jersey.  

These legs were made for climbing, not speed.

"Later!"

She just up and started walking. Next she'll be talking, and we're all a little scared :)

the OTHER bucket list

There are many reasons to adore her. See here.

Her list of celebrities she'd "do":

1) LL Cool J

2) The President (changes every 4-8 years)

toil and trouble

Poor BAB's bro-in-law had to put up with three gals in his kitchen who were mildly to overly enthused about the essential oil potions we were brewing in his kitchen.

     "I'm bottling Hope!"

     "Are you sure no one wants any patchouli drops?"

     "Which one is good for stretch marks?"

     "More white wine for all!"

He said he didn't want any part of our "voodoo witchcraft"... But what he doesn't know is that BAB's sister has been secretly rubbing the Purification blend on him whilst he sleeps! [witchy cackle!]

He should just be grateful we waited

to talk about our periods after he went up to bed.

generally "Meh."

We are the only two girls who don't get it.




Well, the top quadrant. The rest we get.