We're done with September.  

so don't expect anything from us.

i doubt that very much

Who would want to go to a Rockies game in a limo instead of staying home with me, watching crappy movies, staying sober and trying to find my cell phone?  Not to mention I cooked a really gross dinner and there's fruit flies in the trash.

ah nuts

I had this big party all set up for The Office season premier, but I guess it doesn't start until next week.  If you'll excuse me, I have to go take down my streamers.

i miss bab.

Coup!

As a professional cat-sitter, I have many a run-in with the cleaning lady.  In my opinion, help should not mix; we could plan a rebellion.

Ye Be Warned.

I feel it is my duty, as a model citizen, to warn all of mankind that the squirrels are getting frisky. As a dear friend Jeff Carson would say, "You better washout." Some of you may think I jest, so I have chronicled the horrific experience that happened to me the last time the squirrels got frisky.

B.A.B. says it's only a matter of time before they start walking on two legs.

A stranger. From the outside. ooooooo.

Milestone in BFFL blogging history. An intruder who is not Jay Hardy, brittany, or myself has commented. I believe the words were "Too funny."

Story of our lives.

give us a hug

Well, it finally happened. You can't watch the Shrek Trilogy as many times as we have without mutating.

I hate Hogwarts and I hate all of you. I'm never coming back to the school of witchcraft and wizardy! Never!

It has been decided that i would be in Hufflepuff.

Now if you'll excuse me, i must go eat a non-magical little debbie, then hang myself.

Championships have to be won on their own. It's a rule.

When were out the other night, the Angels were on TV and Julie started to flap her arms.  I took it to mean there were angels in the outfield.  She told me if they win the Pennant her dad might come back and love her again.  Maybe Danny Glover will adopt her and also her quiet, adorable sidekick: me.  

And Who's the Boss will babysit us.

BAB cut my hair tonight. She did a good job.

I liked the part when she sang pretend opera. I didn't really like the part when she pretended to cut off my ear but then really did cut off my ear. It was my left one. My good one.

"I'd like to solve the puzzle... Black People."

It'd be fun to be really smart and personable and go on the game show circuit. "I did Wheel of Fortune, Jeapordy, Price is Right, Who Wants to Be A Millionaire and Wipeout. Wipeout wasn't so fun, I broke my nose."

I wish our Little Person was more like this and less like, "Out mah face, bitch."

It's harder than it looks

Ever try doing the Peanuts dance?  Yeah, well try and do the feet part too. Good luck.

I want one.

Mumus look like heaven.

no love

No one, and I mean it, has an affinity for racquetball like me and J. All the a-wipes keep ditching us, and if they keep it up, they're gonna get fat. So if anyone out there wants to play with 2 funny ladies bring a partner and we'll see you at the courts.



*Must be able to answer one question: Who is the greatest racquetball player in the universe?

I'll take "The rapist" for 200, Alex.

If you're as good looking as me and BAB, then you must obtain a certain level of constant vigilance. Also, you must have a plan of attack if a lady, such as myself, were to find herself being attacked. One of our greatest plans of defense was to latch on to one another, while the kicking part of the defense lay in the hands of BAB, and the gouging part rested upon my broad shoulders. This was all good and dandy, but who wants to put in that much work? Nobody, that's who. So, we found a more desirable plan, deciding that if a rapist ever were to jump out of the bushes and attack us, we'll say, "Go ahead and do it." and in this way we give consent, so then it's not rape and then the rapist won't be interested in it anymore because we've sucked the fun out of it, thereby sticking it to him.

THREAT neutralized.

now you're all in big, Big trouble

I've been told, more than once, that just because one quotes a movie doesn't mean one recently watched it.  But this lady keeps drawing conclusions when the same movie is being quoted more than once within mere hours. 

Examples: "If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis."

   Story about group wanting to do an academic decathlon

   "I hate cursive and I hate all of you! I'm never coming back to school, Never!"

So sue me.

we're done with the woods

"Don't."

TADPOLES! TADPOLES IS THE WINNER!!

Let it be known to all that tadpoles are no longer in season. We know this because we went and looked for them but all we found was

a) misquito larvae

b) nosey little boys who ask nosey little questions

c) a dead mouse.

If you're in the market for any of those things, by all means - go to the local watering hole. but tadpoles are no longer in season, so don't bother trying to bring them for show-and-tell.

had to be changed because mean people don't deserve to be in this blog. especially mean people that aren't funny. and especially mean unfunny people who owe us a buttload of monies.

sweet sweet tv

TV could take us down.  With only 2 channels JAN and I were still able to waste hours watching tv last night.  I mean, how else am I supposed to raise my future children without Super Nanny?  And after it was all over, what did I want?  More tv!  Oh it's sick sick sick.  I think the fact is, if we got cable we would never leave the blow up mattress couch.  

i'll be right here

When bab sleeps, I usually creep in and stand guard over her, breathing heavily. when she wakes up startled and weirded out, i say, "sssh... Don't worry. I'm here. Always." and then i laugh and i laugh, in the evil way that can sometimes be comforting to a person who feels threatened.

Remember that one time in Starsky & Hutch when he was like, "It's a floater. Nothing's harder to solve than a floater"?

consider me miles davis

Once upon a time, i got a whiff of some rankness that was beyond compare. The stink stank exactly like toejam from the dirtiest of toes. As i kept whiffing, i found it was not my feet. It was not the trash. It was not anything you'd expect to be stinky. The funk was coming from my pen. Ask me not why, for I have no answer. All I know is that every time I sniffed it, it made me gag a little. After I sniffed the pen more times than was neccessary, I decided the stink was indeed stinky and needed to be shared with the nostrils of another. So i went to bab and told her to "get a whiff of this pen." And i stuck it right up under her flared nostrils, where it remained for 4 seconds before her face squinched up and she said, "ewww. throw that thing away." It was exactly at this moment that i began laughing. Hard. A little too hard. And peed my pants.



The end.

this is gonna get weird

If we were caught in the desert with only the shirts on our backs and maybe the small whittling knife I always keep in my back pocket, I do believe there would be discussion of who would be eaten within the first 20 minutes. And I'm sure Julie would agree that it would be her that would have to eat me. And she would use my shirt to cover her head from the sun. And she would have to channel her inner Bear Grylls and sleep in my carcass to save her from the desert storms. And i would remind her how much she would miss me, especially while she was sleeping in my skin.

those goddam monkey bars

J and I tried to play on the monkey bars at this church by our house.  She got about 5 bars in and stopped.  I thought she was faking it, until I tried and nearly got my muscles pulled off the bones and shoulders out of their sockets!  How do those mother effin kids do this stuff?  The arch of the bars didn't help either, it was something out of Ninja Warrior, man.  It was horrible and hurt us both a lot.  The lesson is: Never Try.

We hit that ball

As always, the most challenging part of racquetball was to not pee our pants.  I would say, second most difficult part was being separated for 2 whole games.  I'm sure all the people at the courts have missed our antics.  Who knew the 1, 2, 3 shoot part would end up being the funniest moment?  I hear they're recruiting for style racquetball so hopefully someone comes by to see our skillz.

spear chucker

"Watch him pee on the track."
"Then he'll go over to the crowd and take a wife."
"Ha! A wife. Try 3 wives."

[A conversation between me, b.a.b., and my dad after watching another win by the fastest man alive. We were filled with the olympic spirit.]

believe it

here's a true story to bust your balls: the day we moved in to our new place we were sitting on our porch thinking "this is gonna be good." and then we look out and there is a rainbow in the sky.

we're on the buddy system

today we rekindled our friendship by taking an early morning nap on the BLOB, followed by an evening nap, commenced by the adding of chocolate milk. thank god she's back. nobody else makes racist olympic jokes or loves Bob Costas as much as her. nobody.

reunion

we're back to the good ol happy days, even if our couch is a blow up mattress.  the first few minutes were a little awkward, but i think it was because we were both so excited and didn't really know what to say.  and then there were a million stories and your mouth gets all dry from talking so much.  and then sitting around and laughing.  yeah pretty good to be back.

If Luke thinks he can replace me, he's got another think coming.

Death by Motor Vehicle Accident

It's not her fault she's a bad driver, it just runs in her blood. Try taking a right-hand turn and ending up in the left lane and her not recognizing it for what seemed like minutes. There's a good chance she was actually trying to kill us all. After the movie she didn't help us put anything back in the car she just sat in the driver's seat waiting for us. And when we decided to replay the movie, each of us choosing to be a character she didn't join in or even chuckle when Luke was going to be the thing the black guy threw out the window. And Julie's CRAZY notion of paying separately did not go over well. In the end I couldn't decide if she was glaring at us or if that's just the way she looks.

I Am Melting

My guess is the temperature inside our house is around boiling.  This is my estimate after checking out the roommate's waterbed and watching it bubble bubble toil and trouble.  I have resorted to putting a wet washcloth on my neck in order to stay alive.  I listened at Julie's door and all I can hear is her fan, I hope to God she's still breathing.  Not only is the heat killing me but I'm pretty sure it's helping the bugs thrive.  Thus far I have killed 1 big old flying beetle thing and 1 creeper spider that was in my closet.  And what  happened to the cross breeze?  Julie tells me the hot air is forcing itself in and crushing us.  Delirium setting in.

if i could

If i had a time machine, i would go back to saturday afternoon, look that old man in the eyes and say, "I hope your corn dies."


Then i would yell, "Rebar! Prepare to meet thy doom!" And with a salute to the ones i love, i would dive into the water, never to be seen again.

Watch this.

Why aren't more people impressed when we do the stand on one leg and lean on the other leg that's up in the air like it's really resting on something?  It takes mad skill and balance like you wouldn't believe.  And sometimes, if you're behind a table or something you can really fool a person into thinking your foot's resting on an actual block or other gadget!  The move is under appreciated.  Maybe we're just ahead of our time.   

a story based on true events. we were wrong, as usual.

due to recent events, Bab and I have needed some down time (more accurately described as extended cuddle sessions). also, due to the heat, we've been extra sweaty and can only wear the bare essentials, so we realize any pictures would be borderline inappropriate for our viewers, (which includes the lonely divorced man across the way). it is because of this, and largely in part to the fact that we don't feel like expending any energy, that i must post a conversation from the recent past and photos that inspired the following transcript and hope it pleases. i have also elected to include a picture of a youthful John McCain, purely because it strikes my fancy. mmm... John McCain cira 1845... MMM...



"I can't believe they'll be moving into my room."
"We'll have to tell him that there's no sex allowed in there."
"He'd be like: That's only cause you're in it."
"And you can say 'Either me, or you and your girlfriend. Doesn’t make a difference.'"
"And he'd be like: Aren't you going to marry Brittany?"
"And you would say 'Only in New Jersey.'"
"And then we would invite him to join us in that polygamist ghetto."
"And he would make his girlfriend his #1 wife."
"And we'd be shunned on our 23rd birthdays because we didn't sew big enough shoulderpoofs on our earthtone dresses."
"And we would starve because we can't garden or grind wheat or milk a heifer."

I'll Take My Chances With The Rebar

4:00 Excitement level high, real high, around an 8. Or high 7 for some.

4:30 Peeing in river accomplished.

5:00 Happiness level maximum, with shouts of "I feel like Tom Sawyer!" and "I peed in the river again!"

5:15 Spot very first KEEP OUT signs but fail to "keep out." Jeff falls out of tube and loses something. Dignity?

5:20 Brittany gets bludgeoned by tree branches for a good half mile. Happiness slightly lowered.

5:30 Our powers combine to form a fellowship of the tubes as big d-bags race by us drinking a single bottled beer each.

5:45 Reach interlude with the river. Watch d-bags navigate over a dam waterfall reaching approx 4 feet in height. Decide to bail. Bailing fairly unsuccessful. Jeff gets first of scrapes, loses tube and has to swim to get it. Brittany slips on mossy mud-rock and eats it hard. All get stuck in nasty sludge, compiled of black stinky stuff we'd rather not discuss.

6:00 Jeff describes his future date bragging that she speaks spanish. We reply, "That pushes her down a notch."

6:30 Second KEEP OUT sign, larger and more evil spirited than the first. We look for the fabled barbed wire, but see nothing, so we keep in. The worst assumed to be over.

6:40 Jay acquires moses-like staff. Uses it to determine if water is drowning-level. "Yep, it's drownin' level."

6:50 Jeff loses seeds for 300th time.

7:00 Hear thundering noise coming from the giant dam ahead. D-bags no where to be seen. We assume they are lying at the bottom of the dam, crushed and mangled. The fellowship decides to navigate to shore, where there is more sludge that captures Jeff and sucks the very spirit from his being.

7:02 Happiness level at all time low.

7:04 Covered in poopy sludge. Jeff needs hug.

7:05 Scratchy weeds.

7:06 Mosquito bites in every crevice.

7:07 Jay the only one not terrified to jump barbed wire fence.

7:08 Jeff, Brittany, and Julie relieved to see fence ends to the right.

7:09 Fellowship crosses the dam, becoming trespassers. Stare down into our watery graves that lie off the cliff.

7:10 We choose life and stand there, looking ragged and hobo-ish.

7:11 Mean old man approaches. Does not forgive his trespassers who trespass amongst him. Julie babbles apology.

7:12 Old Man suggests we die by rebar impailment.

7:13 Do not take his suggestion. Start of the long trek through weeds, more mosquitos, and dirt road that leads to God knows where.

7:25 Walk of shame.

7:30 Glorious sighting of poudre up ahead. No longer lost. Still very downtrodden.

7:31 "Julie your heel is bleeding." "I know."

7:35 See d-bags have also made it here safely. Crawl back into Poudre.

7:40 Float infront of mexican fishermen catching their dinner.

7:45 Little to no communication within the fellowship. Jeff continues to be battered by the Poudre.

8:00 Find path to car. Start crying. Run to car. Cry some more.

8:02 Depression complete. We really took it in the poudre.

8:03 Head home to get wasted until we can no longer feel our rashes.

2:00 Go to sleep, itchy, tired, rashy, but happy we have good buddies who let us torture them.

magical murray's!!!

BEFORE

AFTER

i didn't mean to drag your balls into the conversation

I think when you decide to ride bikes for extended periods of time you automatically forfit your ability to procreate.

Aw Huck

Nobody knows it, except for me, Julie, and that lady who rode by me when I yelled it, but I felt like Tom Sawyer when we rode our bikes on the long bridge that goes over the Poudre. It's like we were crossing the Mississippi and chewing on grass stems and talking with accents and stealing peaches from people's trees.