Here's to You! (the other 2 people who visited our blog that one day)

"We had 19 visitors today!  And 5 yesterday, 2 of them were us."

"And one was probably that angel, Jay."

Post #600

Everyone!  Everyone!  This is post #600 and I didn't want it wasted on something lame like a story about my alter-ego Shanzuela who pirates movies with her ipod nano and sells them on the streets of Denver.

If you tag a street sign or a subway floor, I think it makes you socially responsible to keep that public area clean since you claimed it.

Invasion of Privacy (say how the brits do, it makes you sound fancier)

It was early in the morning last time I was at the airport . So naturally, I got into the security line that had one of the new body scanners.  It's a little shameful, what they make you do.  I had to stand with my feet apart and raise my hands in the air while the machine creeped on me.  And while I stood and stared into the security dude's eyes as he waited for the go ahead on my non-terrorist activities, I thought to myself, "I hope I was pretty enough to get saved on security's 'special' usb drive that they take home at night."

I showered.

And I hope Julie did too.  Because judging by how itchy our heads were yesterday, we really needed it.

haunting me

One time, during an episode of "Soyouthinkyoucan DANCE?" we watched two vampires doing creepy things as they leapt around the stage. After the applause died down, the judges were like, "I couldn't help but feel like I was watching a page from Twilight. I wonder if that was your inspiration?" And the coreographer stood up, shouted "YES!" and did a few fist pumps from the air to her chest, as if to say, "You got me!! That's EXACTLY what I was going for! You understood the deep symbolism of the fangs and the neck biting!" And I started to shout at the tv, because DUH, but then I inhaled a piece of corn and started choking and never got to make my surly comment.

It's just a bummer that such stupidity was occuring, and it was allowed to go out into the universe without ever being jabbed with mockery. Now it's out there somewhere, floating in space, perfect and whole.

[click THUD. click THUD.] "Is that you, Julie?"

my pal came all the way down to visit me last night and rub some butter on my foot. i don't feel so sad anymore. although, i'm still pissed she beat me at scrabble. that b-hole.

a little bit concerned right neh

If my armpit hair grows this fast in 2 days, what atrocity is unfolding beneath that cast?

pool shark

When there's 3 cannoli and 4 people

"Bab and I will split one."
"Are you going to eat it like Lady & the Tramp?"
"No, it'll be like a wishbone. We'll each take an end in our mouth and suck as hard as we can. Whoever gets the most filling, wins. And  gets to make a wish."


sorry everybody. as i was first typing this, it sounded so very dirty, so i tried to clean it up a bit. it's not supposed to be dirty, just very silly. and very gay.

Thank you, little boy who said to the little girl, "Let's play Aladdin."

for melting my heart when you asked her, "Do you trust me?"

College Tradition

It was the first day of classes today.  So I bought a Bob Marley poster from the dudes at the student center.  

Trailer Tales: in which my fibula fails me

I broke my leg.

The only thing funny about it is that I'll finally be able to utilize the circumstances to perfect a magic trick where I take people's stuff (eg. cell phones, credit cards, car keys), and I shove it down into my cast. Then 4-6 weeks later - KAZAAM! - the items are retrieved and they smell bad.  

The names and locations of this story have been changed to protect the family:

I had a dream once that there were tons of people cheering all around me and they were yelling with great jubilation "Go Joey, Go!  Go Joey, GO!"

And when I woke up, I had peed the bed.

believe you me, it sucked.

Did I ever show you the blistees I got from that one time

we went snow shoeing and drank a bunch of boxed wine

and almost died in the woods because it got dark

and there was no moon and we called for help but no one heard

and the only thing that saved us

was the dim light from Bab's cellular phone?

Oh yeah, I forgot we lied to you all about that.

It's best if we keep the unending "how we almost killed ourselves"

recap stories to a minimum. It gets old. Apparently.

you can't break it open on a mattress

t

Oysters are delicious. If you dig eating baby hearts.

sqwaaaaaak!

It's hard to tell if people enjoy or immensely detest 

the noisemakers we bring to all sporting events.

We feel we bring the extra oomph that the typical cowbell lacks. 

It can't be worse than the mundane airhorn.

One thing I know for sure, it looks more obscene.

form fitting

I think every dude born before 1995 should offer up some thanks, right now, for escaping the skinny jeans catastrophy.

"We're so mean sometimes."
"It's called 'tough love.' Which is kind of ok, I think."

Trailer Tales: in which i discuss my recurring affliction

Although it may sound funny and is funny, nipple chafing is no laughing matter. It's a lesson I keep having to learn, for some reason. Let me just say two words: ow weee. So, my dear friends, should you move to a moderate-to-cold climate, please adequately protect yourself from the elements. Your nipples will thank you (should they be able to talk).

"You're tall. You're really tall. You're like 9' tall."

It's easy to heckle cross-country riders. What's not easy is when the riders are going down a bumpy hill and someone says, "Tap tap tap" and you realize that is the would-be-noise made by the very high seats hitting the ballsacks of the standing riders, and you try not to look and you try not to laugh. But, that's all you can do.

i'm not so sure about that

i've been told i'll "never live down that blog" where i made fun of my nephew's hair because my brother in law is so offended.

i'm the one who will never live down that haircut?  me?

it only takes 18 years

after many years of riding the 2-wheeler i finally feel confident saying i have slightly mastered the ride-with-no-hands.  i can tell you that it took more concentration and practice than it probably should have but i'm proud of myself.

In Prague, it's like New Years' every astronomical hour.

I've always thought being a sniper on top of the white house would be the coolest job in the world. Then we went to Prague and these days I only dream of trumpeteering.

"I thought the pilgrims died out with the indians."

"I was thinking about it today, how if I died, I'd be okay with that," she told me. "I've had a pretty good life." & I didn't tell her then, but I thought that was the most peacefully brave statement a person could make. Then I admitted I didn't think I could leave yet & made her promise not to die before we saw Shrek 4.

Robyn LEANED.

Yo. BAB and I know we're exhausting to be around. We exhaust ourselves. That's why we have to take so many day-sleeps. Sometimes we try to warn people before we make them hang out with us, but sometimes we don't. Like that time we took our good pal, Robyn, out for some good ol' fashioned canoeing and we went over a rapid. Backwards.

And upsidedown.

The point, I guess, is that in the end,
even though the cheetos are gone,

 it's almost always worth it.

"You didn't hear when I said the funny thing that made the British guys laugh." "Tell it to me. In blog form."

Spomer: Matt - why don't serious athletes just get their spleens and gallbladders removed? You always hear about those things errupting. Why not just neutralize the threat? Not have to worry about a thing?

Matt: BECAUSE! NOBODY! IN! THEIR! RIGHT! MIND! WOULD! ELECT! TO! HAVE! UNNECESSARY! SURGERY!

Brits: Yeah, no athlete just wants their body parts removed in order to win a race.

JAN: Lance Armstrong did.

Brits: [hearty chuckles] I don't think tha' was elective, mate!

druggies

back when we had no self respect, we got addicted to pixie stix.  the wrappers were strewn all over the floors and couches.  when julie's mom came to visit, she looked at us with disgust and flushed the last of our supply down the toilet.

the magic fruit

i ate dog food today.  and i guess i'm the only person who prefers normal dog food over bean dog food.  so sue me.


it's all mostly bone meal anyway.

a place where you rest your elbow and put most your weight on one leg

If you think we're fun now, you should have known us when we lived in a house with a leaning shelf.

Travel Diary March 11, 2010

Dear Diary,

Julie's butt itched all day.  She believes it's from the freezing and thawing.

love you,
  bab

more than a love

A Tribute to J.H.H. III

golden oldies

I really like how the unmarried old men at work think it's appropriate to share with me their carnivorous appraisals, such as, "They didn't make 'em like that when I was young!" in reference to the teenage girls who wear short shorts and ride the alpine slide. I especially like when they reach over and touch my hair. Wait. Is "like" the right word?

do or do not.

One time in Catania, we were at a castle on top of a hill. Then something quite magical caught my eye on the old tile roof, so I clambered on top of the rickety surface to retrieve it. "JAN! You're going to fall through," cried BAB as she tried to pull back on my legs. But, when I returned holding this:

she agreed it was worth the risk.

thought from hot springs on a hot day

What if Julie was a really bad singer but I liked her singing voice and always asked her to sing to me?

Crocodile Mile

Hurling your 4 year-old nephew down the slip 'n slide is almost as good as throwing yourself down it .

[Dispatch and Ray Charles play in the background at work]

"Sorry if I overwhelm you with my music taste"

"I'm offended by it."
     "Yah, too many swears."

i've never been so proud of her

this is a picture of BAB eating stale jiffy-pop, not because she was particularly hungry but simply because she did not want my mom to feed it to the seagulls.

it was a vendetta i completely supported.

you get a humpback whale! you get a humpback whale!

"Well at least they'll be going to the Atlantic ocean, so they won't have to swim in oil."
"Bad news, mom. The whales have been sucking up all the oil and spraying it around the ocean, so it's only a matter of time. Rapidly spreading. We're going to have to take out all the whales."
"Don't talk about it. It makes me too sad."
"... What? Did you hear what I was even saying? I was blaming the whales! The whales, mom."

you know what's not a good idea?

Listening to the theme song of Castaway when you're driving away from your bffl.

holding your pee is carcinogenic

If you're on a bus tour of Europe and you drank a liter of beer and really have to pee, don't listen to your friend who says, "No that's a closet."  Because it's really a tiny tiny bathroom.

did you get that, squirrel?

"Some say we're too funny, and too pretty, and too great."
"Dude, nobody has ever said that about us."
"I've said that about us!!"




I miss you already, Babbles.

story of my life.

A conversation held at work with a small child in which I think I was belittled:

Small Child: "Are you a girl?"
JAN: "Yes. I'm a girl."

Where the streets are paved with cheese.

"Look - there's the first firework! It just got stuck."

I sentence you to sudden, instant, and even immediate death!

People need to quit telling us it's time to "cut the cord." In our case, cutting the cord means we both die. You follow? We're like siamese twins; the kind that share a liver.  It's not like trying to decide who gets the leg.

Bobby Fischer was anti-semitic?

A conversation I held at work in which I think I was belittled:

"Do you play chess?"

"No"

"You should"

McDonalds recalls Shrek glasses

Guess who didn't give in to the recall? You guessed it. These ladies! A little long-term exposure to cadmium never hurt anyone. If they want 'em back, they can pry them from our cold dead hands.

"drink your foam, before it blows away!"

To know know know them

is to love love love them.

and we do.

and we do.

and we do.

JAN is back in biz-nat!!

I got internet!! for the first time in 2 months. Oh cruel world, you'll regret this :)

The woes of a dancin fool

I couldn't get the headstand move down.
And every time I tried a move I'd look at the little black girl who'd be shaking her head at me.  Take it easy, lady, I'm white!

From the mouths of Jay and Jeff

them: "Have you guys seen Toy Story 3?"
us: "No, not yet."
them: "It's SO good!  But then again, we're huge Toy Story fans."

Thank you, Amish dudes

for not only daring to rock the pastel monotones, but also for saying, "Ow." when I scanned your lift ticket with infrared lasers.

Dear BAB's mom,

I never got to thank you for the sack of nutballs. They were the best nutballs I've ever had in or around my mouth.

Sincerely,
JAN

Trailer Tales: in which i say "No, I don't think you should get a dog."

Meet my new roommate.

Her name is Hooch E. Mama.

But, I secretly call her Ms. Beyoncé.

I like her because she thinks i'm pretty. 

If I had one of those super speedy motor wheelchairs, I'd try to run people over too.

a thought

It's hard to blog when you don't have internet. Or a toilet you're allowed to poop in.

could you do it when it counts?

Nice job tonight, Rockies.  So now  you decide to beat the Red Sox.