Aunt Maggie to her daughter's boyfriend when he asks if she needs help in the kitchen

"Please find the smallest tomato in this bowl.

Now give it a name."

Mexico vanilla

JAN read us the story aloud in exchange for future cookies.

calling all lamewads, your ride is here.

[After BAB says what college dorm she was in]
"Wasn't that the abstinence hall?"
"Yes... but I didn't know going into it!"
[JAN chortling]
"And Julie, I remember you in class wearing your american flag bandana!"
[Stops chortling]
"Yeah, well... itwasverypatriotic..."



[bab and jan humbled & thinking, son of a bitch.]

A real friend cares

"I think I need to stop eating sugar right before bed."

"Oh man, I thought you were going to say you were going to stop eating sugar altogether and I was like, 'NOOOOOOO!!!'"

A laboratory blow dryer

lol

Look for the grease smudge

This is from when I went to check if I parked in the lines but forgot I had already rolled up my window.

doggy paddle

You know why Boulder is flooding so don't be so shocked - all the hobos that sleep in the gutters, blocking the sewer grates - it was practically foreboded in the Bible.

the majority of those guttersleepers are just history-major dropouts whose dad finally caught on that they never bought text books with all those checks and won't send them more money for weed so they're growing a beard and will refuse to cut it even for the family Christmas photo. 

Rain Day

I may be trapped in Ft. Collins due to "' Biblical' Flooding," but I got to go home from work early!

(It's currently pretty dang sunny)

bab: "We're closing at 11!"

jan: "You asshole!"

"I call dibs on the snout!"

Upon hearing there was to be a pig-roast, JAN claimed the snout for herself.
Upon calling the pig snout for herself, JAN immediately regrets calling the pig snout.

the candy aunt can

I'm on a quest to find awesome candy that I will always have in my pockets or purse for my niece! I'm an aunt now, world! And i don't ever remember my aunts having awesome candy waiting for me in their pockets. Probably because i was the last of the cousins and they had spent their wad on the older bunch. I do have one really early memory of my aunt pulling me in a raft along the shallow ocean shoreline, and then a wave came and capsized the boat and i got trapped under it for a while. My aunt felt pretty terrible and carried me back to the house & I made sure to cry the whole way, probably because i was so pissed off. Candy would have greatly altered the outcome and my recollection of the event. Even now, I'm still pissed about all that saltwater I gobbled.

I vow never to almost drown my niece and not have penitence in the form of candy readily available.

Notorious flight almost-missers

My dad was worried we wouldn't wake up in time for our flight to FL.
   JAN told him to slap me and it would wake us both up.
He asked how hard he should slap me (through giggles), she promptly replied, "Medium to hard."

That sign to the right says "No Stopping" and I'll admit, we were nearly stopped, hehe!

Eat more salad

it really helps clean the pipes.

best chapter title ever

I'd tell you who Jenkins is and how he ruined her childhood, but you should probably just do yourself a favor and read about it on your own. Thanks, Robyn for recommending the funniest book ever, you jerk. How are Bab & I supposed to compete with this? It makes my childhood trauma story of making the whole school smell like skunk seem like a gd fun day at the zoo & I'm just sore because I didn't get a snowcone. The whole time I'm laughing, i'm also cursing her under my breath.

JAN still has a little English teacher in her,

and I am her student.

 my reading list:

the greater good

"I guess the one perk of being a government worker is that they're always the first to be

saved in an apocalyptic event. So, don't worry baby! I'll get us a spot on that ship!"
"Oh yeah. They'll say, 'Take this admin assistant and her family and get them on the first helicopter out of here!'"

Sounds like somebody just offered to stay behind and fight the zombies.

When it's great to be stuffed up with allergies

"Did you toot?"

"Yeah, how could you tell?"

boys and bab suck at nail maintenance

BAB:  "And what are these things?"

JAN: "Oohhhhhhhhh gross.  Those are still cuticles, you need to push them down."


(a conversation about the eponychium, or the thin cuticle JAN's mom would always push down hard and make her cry)

People doing serious talk about fantasy football makes me lolz.

Different sides of the peso

"If a guy's native language is Spanish chances of him being named Jorge are 93% no

matter his country of origin."
"And I would have guessed it was Jesus."
"My stats come from academia Spanish speakers, yours are probably correct for prison."

I can't believe she regrets NOT saying this

"Ugh, I should have said to LeeAnne and Eyan's wedding party RSVP, 'Let's consummate this thing!' "

dual transport modes.

I'm getting braver on the lightrail! The first time I tried to load my bike I waived to the conductor to be like, "Hey! Don't driveoff too fast while I load this baby!" But I think he took it for "I'll catch the next one." And 15 minutes later, I DID catch the next one. Now I'm a pro; I'm not even scared anymore! Well, except for yesterday on the ride home when a guy got on the virtually empty car & sat in the seat right next to me. I was trying to read my book, but all that ran though my brain was he's looking at me he's looking at me i'm so glad i have this bike barrier he's looking at me. But when I turned to give him the stink eye, I saw he was fast asleep. The little tyke was just plum tuckered out from a day of work.

Laura Ingalls Wilder without the prairie

That's us standing in front of our house.

Yep! We own a home!

You can just call us two of the happiest
home-o's you ever did see.

First sad story from FL

Security asked if I had any liquids in my suitcase, I was sure there weren't any so I blamed it on Julie.  

But it was me after all.  Three nail polishes with which to paint our beautiful toes and never got around to.

wedding night woes

"My nipples are super chafed."
"From TJ!?"

"No! My god! It's from the cold mountains and not wearing a bra yesterday."

Mario Mushroom in the flesh!

Apparently they're very poisonous.  To the point of death.

Trash collection

As raunchy as we get

Robyn and I weaved undies out of fruit by the foot for JAN's bachelorette tea party, and bless her heart she promised to try them on someday.

Julie was never happy with the casting of Lupin in H.P.

"Billy Elliott should have been Lupin.  He was a babe with a couple gray hairs who had a hard Werewolf life."

Monkey climbs 14er, barely lives to tell treacherous tale.

It's a goal every person who lives in Colorado has, whether they like it or not.  That's me, on top of a mountain -->

Unsure of exactly how many times I said, "F*** me," it was definitely in the double digits.  Mt. Shavano made me cry twice.  Probably best I made this journey alone.

Everyone says to start early, but they don't say carefully follow the signs, so I spent an hour warming up mah bones on the wrong trail.  Found some friendly campers with crotch sniffin' dogs who got me on the right track and decided I couldn't quit before I started even if I really, really wanted to.

But, I'll be damned if it isn't beautiful!

what i was gonna say

Three days before the wedding, Bab and I found ourselves at an Old Chicago's, back to our roots, where you might say we became bffl. We talked about how, sure, changes were coming but the important stuff would stay the same and yeah we know good times are ahead, but those old days were mighty fine themselves. And if I could have quit crying for 2 gd seconds last weekend, I would have made a toast to BAB publicly declaring if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have found the love of my life. And without her unending support, without her always being there to turn to in happy & sad times for advice or just a tiny loyal shoulder to rest my head, I wouldn't have made it to that altar. And I would have said to the crowd, "Everybody deserves a BAB. And I hope you should be so lucky to find one. And if you do, always keep room for her in that special place in your heart, the place where there is only space for wonderful silent giggles and afternoon teaparties and quotes from You've Got Mail and a soulfriend who lets you feel small sometimes so they can hold you just right."

I know how lucky I am to have two great loves of my life. I think TJ summed it up the day he put BAB on his guest list & I said, "Brittany's on MY list!" "B's on both our lists." We couldn't have done it without you pal, me especially.

Night before last

Do you ever spit after you brush your teeth and think,

"Man, that's a lot of blood!"

then remember, "No, that's a lot of twizzlers."

A true blue Catholic

Story borrowed from different BFFLs

"Alison asked if the Eucharist was salted.  And I said, 'You don't salt the body of Christ!' "

After Cindy measured my blood pressure to be 70/62, which is the "fainting" category,

I gave some blood today.
Then the blood quit flowing because the donation van has to be kept darn cold so people don't faint!  Such a small amount of blood in the bag wasn't even enough to give to someone.  Meka said they'll use it for "research" which I think means feeding it to vampire bats.

Kind words from Jay

"I'm still not convinced you and Julie aren't gay."

JAN and I woulda married if we coulda, but TJ got in the way ;)




Jay also thinks I still kill mice for a living, so he probably has some sort of brain blockage.

Going to marry off my bffl

It's here.  The Big Show.  The Zip-a-dee-doo-dah.

Julie's not going anywhere, really, except to Cabo for a week.  Her last name will change, but she'll always be JAN to me and my love for her shall not waver!

Continue to be a good example of love and marriage for me, JAN and TJ! Lord knows I could use a little help.

The happiest sad people ever.

Male stripper or what?

It's a shame Robyn already told Julie that the real internet guy might show up during her pre-wedding tea party.

"Oh, you GUYS!  I said not to do this!  Ok, I'm ready.  Bring it on, mister."

Water Ski Talk

JAN: "I'm not even sure I want to be that good."

a little bit later

"I said it and I meant it."

Baffling

Remember when you saw Kitt Kittridge an American Girl and halfway through the movie Countee revealed he was really a girl but had to dress like a boy because it was more dangerous for homeless girls during the depression and you were like, "Whaaa?"

To this day, I still can't tell the difference between Countee and her twin brother, Jaden Smith

Prince George, baby

I bet Ron Wesley is so proud that the royal family named their baby after his bro!

Just kiddin.
The Wesley's don't give a crap about muggle trivialities.


I cannot wait until term starts again! I miss Hogwarts.

Witches brew

It does make me a little sad when dry ice doesn't make me giddy anymore.

I made sure to swirl the smoke around at lease a little.

nobody beats the kaisers prices

I love myself today for buying the $.50 ice cream cone and for wearing the neon leggings.

Boy cousins

BLB: "I like being a man, being bigger, faster, stronger."

BAB: "I like being a woman.  It's nice being smarter."

mother-in-law

My soon to be motherinlaw got me this little bowl so I wouldn't steal hers. She knows me so well! And those chia seeds? She was eating those before they were cool, you poindexter. I can't wait for the day when my kids ask, "Mommy, is grandma your little sister?" "No child, we've been through this before. Her flawless tan asian skin means she will forever look like the summertime highschool lifeguard that makes all the boys hope today is the day their mom takes her hawkeyes off of them long enough for them to swim to the deep end to drown, just a little bit, and get some of that sweet sweet CPR."

Lobster bisque. Sorry the smiley faces got a little weird

Thanksgiving circa 2011

"Can you believe how many Canadians were at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade?!  How do you suspect we got them to come celebrate our holiday?"

"Maybe they lured them in with maple syrup."

Fatal Attractions. It scared the shiz out of everyone in America.

I support gun ownership when your babies are a combo of humans and lions.  Why?  Because inevitably, you're going to have to kill one of them. 

It's just that baby lions are so cute!