Er meh ger

Guess who?!

This picture of Mindy Kahling

should get you through Wednesday misery

and make you regret not marrying

a thin-boned fellow from India.

Jello - off limits!

Kenan Thompson's acting repertoire really took a severe blow when Cosby impressions became legally "not funny." 

Friday!

This weekend

you should take your pal

and drive through Yellowstone

at dusk

and find the valley 

where the wolves are.

You will sit quietly 

with a group

of excited photographers,

watching through binoculars.

And then you will crack open

your coors light cans -

quiet as possible -

because shockingly those

photo dweebs aren't drinking.

Add a splash of lime,

lean back,

enjoy 

knowing your wolfpack 

is out there somewhere.

(If you can't drive to Yellowstone,

any front porch will do)

And if you feel like it,

it's ok

to give a little hooooowl.

Art imitating Life

[On screen]

"Amy, is that wine-in-a-box?"

"Mmhmm. I have red, too."

[Meanwhile, off screen]

"Sluuuuurp!"

Gimme dat senior discount!

Just used this book for a project.  The pages are tinted red on the edges so you know it's from a Grandma's basement.  

Tomorrow is only Wednesday. Just remember that time you got to hold a baby sea turtle, and breathe.

When baby sea turtles finally make it to the ocean (no small feat) they begin what is called a "swimming frenzy" lasting for several days, kicking their little fins and tail as fast as they possibly can, with the goal being to get far away from shore where risks of being eaten are oh-so high. After the frenzy, what happens in a turtles life is relatively unknown. Scientists call it their "lost years." But, I like to think they're just swimming along with their best friends, seeing the ocean views, eating snacks, and once a year they swim as fast as they can and yell "FRENZY!" just to remember that one time when they defied the odds and got their first taste of salty water.

happy hour

Mountain goats convene over beers to laugh about barely capable humans having no business on these peaks.

Friday!

This little squeaker

turned 2!!

What the heck, life?

She likes to say,

"No, NO Aunt Juji!"

But I forgive her because

when she got knocked

 to the ground

at her party, 

she looked so sad 

with a quivering lip

and reached one chubby hand

up for someone to grab her.

And she let ME comfort and kiss 

her in that sweet moment.

Then she said,

"No, NO."

and made me let her go.

Laaadies!

Me and Robyn every M-W-F! Everyone needs a Richard Simmons in life if you have to get your flabby butt out of bed before sunrise and jog the streets in a reflective construction vest. I've found my Richard in Robyn. 

Da bomb

I'm gonna go ahead and say it - that's a pretty shitty piece of craftmanship there, Ahmed. So bulky & I can't even see what part might possibly reveal the hour. Let's be honest, it's as much a toaster as it is a clock.

Call me cray-z, but that looks an awwwwful lot like this googled image result for "briefcase bomb." Highly suspect!
(except for the fact that you are a 9th grader & therefore most definitely just a little idiot)

At least I can clearly tell the time with the bomb.

Real work conversations

"All the Boulder runners always run races with their shirts off.  Even when it's cold outside!"

"I've heard, in those long races, nipple chafing can be a big issue." 

Green grass and high tides forever

 Those who don't believe me, find your souls

and set them free.

Ignorant Bliss

[Nighttime, lying in bed awake, thinking]

Amy Phoeler wrote in her book that people always want to ask you about your most embarrassing moment & that ladies of the world don't have to answer that stupid question anymore. Oh man, I bet I'd be too chicken not to just answer it in an interview. Ugggh, which incident would I even choose? There are so many, going back so many years... I feel sweaty. 

[Whispers to almost-snoring TJ]

What are you thinking about?

[TJ]

Putting chains on the truck tires.

And THAT is why dudes 

have no trouble whatsoever

falling asleep in under 5 minutes.

Do grasshoppers aim when they jump?

My best guess is that they can only jump wherever they're originally aimed, either that or their preferred target is your chest.  

And then one day, you understand why you were put on this earth

Buuuuullshit!

Are you the person in your office who still thinks it's a'ight to shimmy out of work because "I have a migraine"? Here's news for you: no one is buyin' the chicklets you're selling, you turd.

Someone call them on the BS, or I'ma take my "constipated belly spasms" sick time to the MAX.

I totally get it

"All I follow on social media anymore are dogs."

                    R.L.K.

Doo-doo Ninja

I'm a little ashamed at how hard this show makes me laugh. TJ asked when I started liking vulgar humor and I generally frown upon it, but this blessed show tickles my toes. Probably because they are skanky but bad at it. Like, what BAB & JAN could have been if we smoked weed and didn't prefer to stay home to watch reruns of Little House on the Prairie. Funny girls are the best girls.

Love at first sight

cutest + scariest thing I've seen in weeks

This is not the greatest blog in the world. This is just a tribute.

What is this, the heyday of 2008?
Thanks for all the recent comments and general joviality, homies!

How very cowabunga of you.

Tom Cruising

K$ was out guarding the nation these last 3 weeks. Don't even bother asking him the details because they are "Classified you nosy wenches, I am not going to tell you, not even if you are standing over my deathbed, not ever, and if you do not cease and dissist trying to tickle it out of me I will have to unleash Read'em & Weep."

But, we figured it out:

We really needed a pick-me-up

So we set in to watch the hilarious new special by Tig Notaro.

Only to find out it was a documentary of how she bravely shared the small bit of humor throughout multiple tragedies in her life where God kept saying to the angels, "You know, I think she could handle a bit more," and the angels cried, "Noooo!"

Well you broke our hearts, Tig.  Now go wipe that ice cream mustache off your face and do something super funny for our red-rimmed eyes!





(getting our hearts broken surprise and crying uncontrollably is totally a running theme in the lives of janandbab)

Simba. It is time.

I've decided it's time to delete the Jazon Mraz songs from my iTunes.


This is not a reflection of his character.

If you want to stress out your friend, move to a different country and leave your precious plant in their care.

I have a plant that was 

bequeathened to me when

a friend moved to Guatemala

for two years.

It's a special little plant,

because it's supposed to grow

these buds and I am supposed

to harvest them and save them

so that when she returns

she can make a tincture!

A freaking tincture.

And I adore her, so I don't mind.

But this plant was a little bitch

this past winter and dropped 

every damned leaf!

And all I could think about was that

promised tincture,

so I lovingly repotted it

and for over 6 months

this is what I looked like:

And everyone,

I mean everyone

asked why I had a stick in a pot,

and I would give them my best

worst spitty impression of Samwise Gamgee,

"I made a promise, a pffromiss, Mr. Frodo."

Then one warm day

little buds appeared

and then two branches grew 

and grew and grew.

It doesn't look as pretty 

as the original leaves did,

but, it liiiiives!!!

Which is great because she recently asked about it:

Never let an adorable hippy

become your very dear friend.

Love in the form of goat

When you have a best friend,

you hand stitch a goat 

for their american girl doll

and you don't even complain

about your hurty fingertips.

That's what you do.

Positive Affirmations

Friday!!

Oh.

Em.

Gee.

Go on and steal

somebody's heart

this weekend.

Wiener Mobile

Back when the world was so innocent.

Sigh.

And, quite frankly, gullible.

 I'm looking at you, Nazi propaganda.

"You were trying hard."

"And that was stupid, too!" 

So sue JAN if she gives 110%, she does it for us, the people.

MUMBLERS!

If you're going to hit your woman, tell her why - old immigrant guy in Denver

The offer was for one punch,

which she absorbed.

She had no idea there would

be a second punch.

In this picture are 3 of my favorite things:

#1 BAB

#2 BEER

#3 BRUNCH

We set Bab up for a suckerpunch

this weekend! Oopsie. But worry not,

 all she needed was a little Katy Perry

and some cold beers, classic remedy.

You should all be in love with her,

if you aren't already -

for many, many reasons.

Beach Boi

Good grief - it's like I ripped this

right out of Surfer magazine.

He sickens me with his beauty.

Many brave hearts are asleep in the deep, so beware! Be-e-e-ee-ware!

 The Captain of this ship was a wild one!

She refused to put on clothes,

she swung from the boom,

and she was captivated by

my remix of All About That Bass.

Cuz you know I'm allabout dat boat

bout dat boat, 

NO trouble.

Whatever happened to predictability

We rented bikes and rode all around San Fran. The sun never came out
 and TJ almost crashed into a wheelchairin' hobo.

I did enjoy the fancy walgreens with high-security
and singing my favorite 90s show theme song at any quiet moment.

We ate good pad thai and banh mi sandwiches,
but it was weird looking out the window at
 the hobo who chose to park his stroller to lay down and stare at us,
while saintly samaritans combed the streets with biohazard buckets. 

San Francisco, you are one dirty son of a bitch. 

I did get a souvenir though:

Docta Jones

Don't come to my house for first aid, because things are getting a little old and everything has turned into baby powder.

This is all of us eating Palisade peaches right now

Sedimentary, Metamorphic, Igneous

$12 to whoever can guess what kind of rock this is!

Answer: That ain't a rock! It is a pre-chewed dried-out hunk of elk meat that I spit into a papertowel and forgot about until it fell out onto my desk like some weird little crouton.

Wild

"So, what I got from that movie is that every dude she met on the trail wanted to rape her. Pfff."

             - Dudes

"Yes."

     -  Ladies, who can fully imagine if we walked the Pacific Coast trail alone we would carry mace in one hand, knife in the other and toootally think every dude - and possibly bear - would be out to get us.  THAT part of the movie was the most believable. Also believable, the part where she doesn't think to make a fire for days upon days when her propane tank proves obsolete.

Women ... ya gotta love us!

But keep your distance, ya filthy animals.

July 31

A week ago I forgot to wish a happy birthday on this here blog to one of the most important men in my life. A man with a heart of gold, who I have loved since he was 11 years old.

Happy 35th birthday, Harry Potter!

Moprah

I like when the good colors cluster ever so prettily. It's like the ONE special thing that can possibly happen when doing stupid dishes.

hair artist

We're both quite happy that JAN doesn't have to smoke the peyote to gather inspiration for my haircuts.  For one, she'd be in her little smoke tent forever and second she would be all bouncy dancing, way too close, up in my face.

And the horse you rode in on.

Remember that part in Pretty Woman where she is flossing the strawberry seeds out of her teeth and wants a little privacy in the bathroom but he comes in, poised for a nipple tweak and thinks she is hiding drugs? And then he is all, "No way girlfriend! No drugs in this house!" like some sort of volunteer morality police. And then 15 years later you have the brain power to analyze and you're all like, "He was paying that woman to have sex with him... and ends up being the hero... even though she had never seen that episode of I Love Lucy but instead of letting her just watch it, he makes her give him a b.j.!" (Which, even when you were 13, you thought was super rude). And then you have to consciously unfurrow your brow.

And not think about how you wish you were rewatching it on the couch with your mom.

Plants as tall as your friend!

She's one who isn't afraid of bears, you want JAN on your team.