Prairie dog field

"Look at all those tiny bottles.  The prairie dogs around here are terrible drunks."

 - The boss

The best one

Waiting around in a parking lot

"Want a pretzel?"
"Are those from the floor of the car?"
"Yeah, but I just spilled them there this morning."
[He takes & eats pretzel]
♡

Cheese block

Cheddar in a home that only houses two 56 year old people.  

My new roommate, Jeff.

I like to call him "sugar baby" because it's not annoying.

And I like him because he once woke up with a candy wrapper stuck to his back.  

Nelson 4 Prez

Easter

When you have your own mountain

you have your own Easter sunrise service

immediately followed by

eggo waffles.

"What you are about to do, do quickly."

Did Judas go to heaven?

No! Well, betrayal isn't the same 

as lack of faith. So... maybe. 

I hope Judas is in heaven.

Yeah, me too.

"I'm gonna slip you a little Gil between your Boggs!" - ballet director Gil Boggs

It was supposed to be

The Little Mermaid Ballet

based on Hans Christian Andersen's 

tale of woe. 

What it was? 

Offbroadway Disney on ice, 

no ice, no skates.

From the mind of director Gil Boggs,

who also narrated the whole 

dismal plot, was a "ballet."

I haven't laughed that hard in a long long time.

"Oh look, a sea cucumber!" 

-  3 drinks Noil

"I don't know, Gil. This seems an aweful lot like a Disney version knockoff..."

"No! It's the Gil Twist!" 

- 4 drinks Bab

New neighborhood views on my morning drive to work

Yesterday.

And, today.

Mountain livin' be trippin'.

Zen

Sometimes lunchtime "pregnancy yoga" is when you nap under your desk & feel your bebé doin' kickies.

The monkey's your uncle.

Remember how sometimes you fall asleep but jolt-freak yourself awake because you feel like you are falling & some scientists believe that's because your evolved cells are remembering back to a time when you were a monkey & were falling out of a tree?

BaaaaaaHAHAHA!

Good one, "science."

But, how do you explain my lack of instinct to fling my own poop when I am mad?

Yore

"I can't believe there's a baby 

in your belly.

Remember in Iceland,

when that's all we wanted?"

"Yes."

Gotta love me!

21 weeks! Baby takes a little sip of the bathtub water (amniotic fluid) every day, just to practice swallowing! I can feel when it kicks and somersaults and curls up in a ball. I am in love thinking of Baby just hangin out in there, all like:

Yup

"That Disney movie where Robin Hood is a fox. When you were little, did you think he was handsome? And then, like, your crotch gets a headache?"

- Kimmy Schmidt

Same dude, everybody.

We were shocked that we had to explain this to Toni B (being that he's her most favorite actor out there).

Might I add that he is a Babe.

Her paraphrased words, "You have to see Marigold Hotel and, just remember, it is beauuutifull."

Meet Don Cheagle

My would-be chihuahua-beagle mix.

I went home sick because my sinus pressure is making my teeth hurt & theraflu is off limits when you have a tiny human in your belly.

"Bob Ross, he was my uncle."
"Bullshit."
[- 1996 conversation with 5th grade classmate whose uncle very well could have been Bob Ross, but I wasn't about to be hearin' any of that jazz.]

You're lucky I'm already pregnant.

Teej,

Remember last night

when it was bedtime

but you let us stay up late

to watch videos 

of the baby

 pygmy hippo?

I was so in love with you

& the way you giggled

when it walked or laid down or

ate hay

& confessed to me,

"It's TOO cute."

sigh, 

j.

Birthdayz

By a wonderful turn of events wherein Bab's boyfriend gets the exact day of her birth wrong, I got to spend the for-real birth day with Bab yet again! 10 years running. Like Dwayne The Rock Johnson, true love can't stop won't stop.

Happy Birthday, Beebz! Thanks for letting me sip your boozy drink.

"These little animals are a very important part of my life. They just about my best friends."

Important update:

Bob Ross' baby squirrel 

is all grown up!

Geedub

If the world seems a little much right now, just know that somewhere out there GW is painting portraits. And they are quite wonderful.

He was an idiot sometimes,

but he wasn't a trumpeting asshole.

Road trip experiences

"If there's anything  people want it's to have their car washed by bunch of aggressive 8th grade boys."

- Brent

thinkings

My squirrel is not faring well.

Baby is so Beyoncé right now

Summah

Do you remember how sometimes it stay warm & shiney until like 9pm & all the trees are covered in green & the geese are done pooping on everything?

What's that called again?

Now I get why someone knew that a show about an office would be so silly.

This fountain is supposed to help us all chillax and help buffer noise, however the office is turning into more of a Chinese restaurant than a law firm.

But we DO support receiving a wonton or eggroll complimentary with a Will.

Banned for life

"So you think Dad will ever let you get a Christmas tree for him again?"

No way, dude did not love the Charlie Brown.

Cultured swine

More like Blah Blah Land.

Gene Kelley and Debbie Reynolds would have NEVER approved of this one-melodied tapa tapa.

Easier than a wall

Just make soccer illegal, Donald.

FLOTUS

... more like FLILF,
amiright America?

Johnboy

I love this man.

And not just because 

he bought me icedream.

Although, that didn't hurt.

Hoochie

Gurl was not as cute

standing by my bedside

at 1:30 this morning.

I should have suspected 

something was up

when she couldn't get enough

bedtime noogies.

Why doesn't she wake TJ up
for the exciting sprint to the backdoor?

100% Cotton. Yo mama picked it.

What the heck are these

soft little things?

I don't know but I feel

a strong compulsion to

collect all of them.

Trump that

Sometimes the country you live in

goes a little batshit insane

& you feel depressed &

like you just burp-vomitted...

but then your baby waves at you

from inside the womb

while

keeping its back to you like 

a chill little mofo

& you remember 

life is good. Real good.

Later, Tater

I dreamed last night Ol'Bama was on the phone and I had one last tater-tot on my plate. I held it up, waggled it between two fingers, pointed to the tot then to him then back to the tot. He smiled, catching my drift.

Siiiiigh.

Barry, the world is gonna miss you.

What dat bebé gonna look like?

I hope if I get cravings

it's for something cheap,

like used dryer sheets.

JAN practicing to be a mom.

Making ham sandwiches for 6 people.

She's going to be so great!

Find the drunky

Believe it or not, this night

ended a little rough for poor Beebs.

I feel guilty only because I was DD &

let her fly as high as she felt she could go.

In the end,

the evidence of our combined failures

was eaten by a dog.

The best stockings

One of a kind &

they hang above my fireplace &

I am always so sad when 

I have to take them down

in February.

Kaiser

Sorry folks, but I must always be in the safest seat in the car, most fire-escapable spot in the room, eat the freshest food in the fridge, and ride only the most maintained of rollercoasters because I'm on the bronze plan.

That's a $5,500 deductible and absolutely no name-brand drugs.

The Shallows

"This movie took a whole day to film."

The Last Unicorn

I cried infront of my boss yesterday.

Right as he was telling me he was  pleased with how I handled a situation with a crazy coworker. "I am proud how you composed your thoughts & argument. Three years ago you would have been in my office crying."

Whelp! At least I wiped my snot on my own sleeve.

December 1

Fear not, for behold! I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

It's Christmastime & I can barely

contain my excitement, oh em gee!!

Oh, Mittens, how could you? And for what, a plate of scallops?

That's the face every woman knows well... the face you make after you've allowed a man to put a dick in your mouth for the first time.

Nice, Mitt. Get used to ashamedly crawling under tables while your food gets cold.