I declare, "Youngest children are brats, oldest children are bossy."

last weekend, without even complaining, Julie sat in all the uncomfortable chairs that i so boldly maintained i wouldn't sit in.  and i was also a punk during scrabble. 

thanks for putting up with me, jan.  
and that is reason #9022 why I love my best friend.

My thoughts on photo album titled: Youth Hunt

 kill the one animal that's still taboo to exterminate - human children?!

wait, nope, just teachin kids how to effectively take out an elk and spill its guts.

Huxtables find out that Tammy leads a double life.

"oh my God." [to be said in the voice of Tony Perkis from Heavy Weights]

This. This right here. This is my dream job.

forget braiding doll hair at the American Girl store. 

[mid-lick]

"Don't lick the lid!"
"Why!?"
"It tastes funny."

Matthew, Mark, Luke, and Bab

Sometimes I tell Bab little pieces of a story I would put in the book I will write someday, if I ever were to write a book. She's probably more excited about it/believes in it more than I do. And I like that. A lot. But, I sure hope she's been writing down all my ideas somewhere because I looked at my notes today and it ain't gonna be a classic if this is all I have to go on:

Tolerance is best served with a glass of chocolate milk

After listening to and considering with a serious nod of the head to Julie's celebrity crushes, I was surprised at her aversion to one of mine: Mr. Clint Eastwood.  Look, I know he's old and wrinkly now, but you gotta look beyond that, to the 1970's, when his face wasn't so tight.

I would like to never say to my kid:
      "I'll take you to school in a second, I just have to curl my bangs first."

goodbye, babyface! so long, Black Phil!

Melo, we'll miss you and your cherub-like features.

Chauncey, you had a great name to yell in an angry-mom voice.

the dude's coming back tomorrow!

and I'm gonna kiss him.

that's a threat. 

gusty

"Hey they started using vanilla bean in the soft serve!  Nooo, that's just dirt sprinkled all over by the wind."

a harrowing tale

Here's a story I wrote when I was in first grade (see translation below). I think the climax and denouement will both terrify and satisfy you. I remember volunteering to read it to my class, and although I was sckerd, I remember thinking, "This is some good shit."

Translation:

I was playing inside and I looked out the window. There standing right in front of the door and knocking - it was a wolf! He [was] big, [abnormally] tall and [brandished] big claws. I was so scared; I thought I would faint. I ran all over the house thinking what to do. Finally, I stopped and said, "Wolf! Are you hungry?"  

"Yes! Yes! Yes!" [cried the wolf.]

"What would you like to eat?"

"I would like to eat ice cream."

"Would you like ripe red strawberries?"

"Yes."

"Here you go."

And he ate it.

"HOT!!!" said the wolf, running away.

The ripe red strawberries where really HOT RED PEPPERS, so I guess he went off.

The end.

"It's a tangelo."

"What the H is a Tangelo?"
"Half orange, half tangerine."
"Why the H did they call it that?"
"It has always been called that."

"It doesn't make sense. It should be called, like, torange."
"Or orantan..."
"Or... tanorangerine."
"Well, I think we just figured out why it's called tangelo."

i have something to tell you

There is a 3 minute window early in the morning when I'm driving & the moon is leaving & the sun is barely peeking & those mountains - they're pinkish purpley - & my heart wishes deeply that some day, we will all meet & chase each other to the top of the hill & we will stand there, laughing & jumping & waving our arms & shouting "Thank you! thank you!"
             for 3 minutes.

                               but until that day, my heart will just shout it for you.

It's good for your heart and for my heart

I appreciate people who give a hearty chuckle when you say you're eating dark chocolate only cause it's good for ya.

bab's just bitter because she was planned and still surprised them

"All those crazy people, planning parenthood. Where's the adventure?!"

"Pardon my hair, it's out of control."

"You look like Tim Burton."

And I did look like Tim Burton.  I hope not in many more ways than similar hair styles.

"It's an entirely different world, one where orange soda is an acceptable substitute for breast milk!"

My sister doesn't like milk, in her words, "You're drinking a baby cow's food." 

But I think she's just upset about getting all those cavities from her own milk lovin kids.

ms. krabappel

The best thing about teaching is the little paper cuts I have all over my hands.

Yeah, I know what I said - the best thing.

perks of having a babe for a boyfriend

"Ms. N, who is that a picture of on your computer background?"
"Oh. My boyfriend."
"What? Seriously? Are you joking?"
"...no..."

"I thought that was Michael Phelps! He looks like Michael Phelps!"

i also love him because he's not ashamed to beat me

at racquetball on m.f'n valentine's day.

here's a story for ya

One time I spilled a couple drops of liquid on my computer keyboard. Not wanting the liquid to fry the motherboard, I quickly bent over, lips to keys, and slurped off the drops; thus inhaling 5 years worth of collected dust and crumbs into my lungs.

We're talking to you, Jeff and Jay.

Hey b-holes, we have yet to receive our wedding invitations. We'll both be choosing the beef over the chicken and we request that the d.j. play "Cotton-eyed Joe." Need I remind you how good we look when we gussy up?

the circle of life

"Yeah, it was weird trying to explain where babies came from. 'And here's where the baby comes out of the vaginal canal...'"
"Oh gross. Vaginal canal. Couldn't you have called it like, The Magic Tunnel?"
"That depends on the woman, Julie."

You know how Julie gets you to watch Misery?

She hobbles you.

And then she'll tell you how this movie had a big impact on her childhood, and thus has a special place in her heart.  You won't understand, but you don't dare say anything.

#1 Favorite Christmas Decoration

hey bab,

If there ever were any, we want 'em back.

I have noticed we haven't had any blog visiters from Egypt lately.  Like they turned off their google or something.

Welcome to the Thunderdome!

I can't wait for the big showdown. I usually don't get excited about this crap, but the players are just too adorable this year.

"Want some Bieber sunglasses?"

"If you put them on, does it make everyone have his lame hair-do?"
"I wish."

I'm gonna give you to the count of 10 to get your ugly, yella, no-good keister off my property before I PUMP YOUR GUTS FULL OF LEAD.

"You were shooting at human-shaped targets?"
"Yeah. I was practicing my quick defensive shots."
"Do you hit 'em in the knee?"
"Two in the gut; one in the face."
"... dude, that sounds like offensive shooting... The face? Really? That's just rude."

Is it me or is Jack Hanna getting hotter?

the huxtables poker faces

To BAB,

Happy groundhog's day, pal. Live it up.

All my heart,

JAN

Thanks, Jay Cutler,

for ditching the Broncos and getting rid of your bangs  and becoming moderately good looking and almost taking your team to the Superbowl. Ya chump.

Who is the most overpaid man in America?

You're lookin' at him.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Someone found our blog by searching "nude sprayed by hose."




We couldn't be more honored.

So,

I've been going through a rough patch recently. You know the type of patch made of glass shards and poison ivy and high school students who eat your soul. But, the good news is that I can see the light at the end of this tunnel (which, in every way, reminds me of the scary boat-ride part in Willy Wonka). However, if you're driving along and you see some roadkill and think of me, maybe say a little prayer if'n you please.

"I'll stay."

I've been thinking recently, you gotta have 'em both.

One just simply isn't enough.

At the end of the day when they have to carry my body home,

the dead weight is much more easily managed if

two can share the load.

No guts no glory

I thought the point of Jeopardy was to shout out the answers. Apparently, you're only supposed to shout if you know it's the answer. Guessing is poo-pooed.

All I'm gonna say is

Julie: 1
Mr. I'm-changing-the-channel-back-to-Jurassic-Park-III-because-you're-annoying-me: 0

Snot Rocket: Only Acceptable While Hunting

Dude, you can't just do that on the sidewalk where I'm about to put my foot.