mas·sa·cre: the unnecessary, indiscriminate killing of a large number of human beings

You know what always gets a laugh out of us?
The Boston Massacre.

4 people died. FOUR.

We average that many losses every time we throw a tea party, but you don't see us bragging.

i wish i was filibusting right neh.

Remember when Mr. Smith goes to Washington and then goes on a punching spree and then talks himself to death?

You sit on it Minetti, because I never will, ever!

Today I lost my battle with formaldehyde. As I was taking off my stank clothes I gagged. It was a "I'm gonna puke" gag too.

CAR!... Game on!

The season is upon us: Jay Cutler Bowl Cut Time!!

Dork it up, everyone.

Make the cut proud.

______________________________

He's our very own Elway/Emilio Estevez.

is it too much to ask?

Look, BAB and I would love to go do our duties of moral goodness in the poor countries. Sure we would. But we know we'd get stuck doing something shitty, like having to paint our faces everyday in sweltering heat and juggle rocks and try not to scare the kids when we pass out from severe dehydration. I'd bet you ten billion bucks we'd be stuck doing something stupid like that. So that's why we're staying put until the m-effers at peace corp allow us to go together without having to get married AND until they can guarantee that we wouldn't have to mime Bible stories or guard the village cow. That's asking too much. All we want to do is feed kids salt and maybe help check for lice.

fear not!

why do i fear taking out the trash?

Here's why:

our groceries were bagged yesterday because the guy thought jan looked nice.  he liked her headband and i'm guessing her general appearance.

and that's a reason to become friends with pretty people.

i redact it

This one time I compared Julie to Ben Affleck because they both have big domes.  My interpretation of her reaction was that she was offended.  So I'm here to declare that the two are not at all alike.  Shoot, Julie doesn't even like Jennifer Garner, that's how different they are.

dropping like flies

Halloween is the time that we like to purge ourselves of the desire to severely harm our enemies. In lieu of physical violence, vandalism, and verbal abuse, we choose to leave these personalized greetings on the doorstep of everyone we wish ill will towards. It usually makes us feel a lot better, and no harm done.

2007's Hate-Pumpkin Deliveries Courtesy of JAN and BAB: 2
2008's Estimated Hate-Pumpkin Deliveries Courtesy of JAN & BAB: 37

You people of the earth really pissed us off this year.

some more than others.

"Confession. I think Bela Karolyi is a babe."

"I can never gauge what kind of dude will do it for you."

"Well, I think it might be his stache. Or his eyes. Or his sideswept hair. Or his accent that I can't understand."

"Or maybe how he has no loyalty to his home country."

"Yeah... it's definitely not his stache."

i never got to say goodbye

i was nervous that the usual guy would be rude to me again, but we never got to see.  let me ask you, How can The Country's Best Yogurt go out of business???  It's the bayst! well it's gone and now i won't get my yogurt cultures.  so this one goes out to you TCBY, i have always loved you.

no manners

Don't ever let us sit by any groups of people that any type of inappropriate joke could be made about, because we'll say anything.  It's like we're asking to get in a fight, and I believe I heard Jeff ask to get in a fight.  but i don't think i could take an asian.

celebrate good times, come on.

i really can't tell you what the best part of last night was. i had to excuse myself to the ladies room many a time just so they wouldn't see the tears of joy i shed. it was good to be back. dan and bryan were especially delightful, we even got to sneak in for a hug. i think that's what is known as Third Base. like i said, can't tell you what the best part of last night was.

but here are the top 10 moments:

1) high-fiving Jay for still being 21 while Brittany and Jeff sat there, practically dead already.

.

2) Dan's semi-racist joke

3) hearing Grant's not on their flag football team so bab and i can stop wishing for a severe outbreak of VD amongst the players

4) Jeff's hoe-ing story

5) Unfair Pee races

6) when Jay was talking about his TNMT halloween costume his mom made and jeff was like "i hear this story once a year." (the adorableness of the moment was a bit too much)

7) hearing that they actually DO like playing racquetball with us

8) pretending to be jay and jeff's dates so that the lesbians at the lesbian table would keep their eyes to themselves

9) riding off into the cold night with our newly acquired headlamps/x-ray vision

10) rekindling a beautifully awkward friendship of 4 at old c's

in a close 11th place was brittany heaving in the gutter. i gave her some light from my head. she didn't appreciate it, so it didn't really make the cut. but, it will always live in my heart. as funniest moment ever.

We're done with September.  

so don't expect anything from us.

i doubt that very much

Who would want to go to a Rockies game in a limo instead of staying home with me, watching crappy movies, staying sober and trying to find my cell phone?  Not to mention I cooked a really gross dinner and there's fruit flies in the trash.

ah nuts

I had this big party all set up for The Office season premier, but I guess it doesn't start until next week.  If you'll excuse me, I have to go take down my streamers.

i miss bab.

Coup!

As a professional cat-sitter, I have many a run-in with the cleaning lady.  In my opinion, help should not mix; we could plan a rebellion.

Ye Be Warned.

I feel it is my duty, as a model citizen, to warn all of mankind that the squirrels are getting frisky. As a dear friend Jeff Carson would say, "You better washout." Some of you may think I jest, so I have chronicled the horrific experience that happened to me the last time the squirrels got frisky.

B.A.B. says it's only a matter of time before they start walking on two legs.

A stranger. From the outside. ooooooo.

Milestone in BFFL blogging history. An intruder who is not Jay Hardy, brittany, or myself has commented. I believe the words were "Too funny."

Story of our lives.

give us a hug

Well, it finally happened. You can't watch the Shrek Trilogy as many times as we have without mutating.

I hate Hogwarts and I hate all of you. I'm never coming back to the school of witchcraft and wizardy! Never!

It has been decided that i would be in Hufflepuff.

Now if you'll excuse me, i must go eat a non-magical little debbie, then hang myself.

Championships have to be won on their own. It's a rule.

When were out the other night, the Angels were on TV and Julie started to flap her arms.  I took it to mean there were angels in the outfield.  She told me if they win the Pennant her dad might come back and love her again.  Maybe Danny Glover will adopt her and also her quiet, adorable sidekick: me.  

And Who's the Boss will babysit us.

BAB cut my hair tonight. She did a good job.

I liked the part when she sang pretend opera. I didn't really like the part when she pretended to cut off my ear but then really did cut off my ear. It was my left one. My good one.

"I'd like to solve the puzzle... Black People."

It'd be fun to be really smart and personable and go on the game show circuit. "I did Wheel of Fortune, Jeapordy, Price is Right, Who Wants to Be A Millionaire and Wipeout. Wipeout wasn't so fun, I broke my nose."

I wish our Little Person was more like this and less like, "Out mah face, bitch."

It's harder than it looks

Ever try doing the Peanuts dance?  Yeah, well try and do the feet part too. Good luck.

I want one.

Mumus look like heaven.

no love

No one, and I mean it, has an affinity for racquetball like me and J. All the a-wipes keep ditching us, and if they keep it up, they're gonna get fat. So if anyone out there wants to play with 2 funny ladies bring a partner and we'll see you at the courts.



*Must be able to answer one question: Who is the greatest racquetball player in the universe?

I'll take "The rapist" for 200, Alex.

If you're as good looking as me and BAB, then you must obtain a certain level of constant vigilance. Also, you must have a plan of attack if a lady, such as myself, were to find herself being attacked. One of our greatest plans of defense was to latch on to one another, while the kicking part of the defense lay in the hands of BAB, and the gouging part rested upon my broad shoulders. This was all good and dandy, but who wants to put in that much work? Nobody, that's who. So, we found a more desirable plan, deciding that if a rapist ever were to jump out of the bushes and attack us, we'll say, "Go ahead and do it." and in this way we give consent, so then it's not rape and then the rapist won't be interested in it anymore because we've sucked the fun out of it, thereby sticking it to him.

THREAT neutralized.

now you're all in big, Big trouble

I've been told, more than once, that just because one quotes a movie doesn't mean one recently watched it.  But this lady keeps drawing conclusions when the same movie is being quoted more than once within mere hours. 

Examples: "If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis."

   Story about group wanting to do an academic decathlon

   "I hate cursive and I hate all of you! I'm never coming back to school, Never!"

So sue me.

we're done with the woods

"Don't."

TADPOLES! TADPOLES IS THE WINNER!!

Let it be known to all that tadpoles are no longer in season. We know this because we went and looked for them but all we found was

a) misquito larvae

b) nosey little boys who ask nosey little questions

c) a dead mouse.

If you're in the market for any of those things, by all means - go to the local watering hole. but tadpoles are no longer in season, so don't bother trying to bring them for show-and-tell.

had to be changed because mean people don't deserve to be in this blog. especially mean people that aren't funny. and especially mean unfunny people who owe us a buttload of monies.

sweet sweet tv

TV could take us down.  With only 2 channels JAN and I were still able to waste hours watching tv last night.  I mean, how else am I supposed to raise my future children without Super Nanny?  And after it was all over, what did I want?  More tv!  Oh it's sick sick sick.  I think the fact is, if we got cable we would never leave the blow up mattress couch.  

i'll be right here

When bab sleeps, I usually creep in and stand guard over her, breathing heavily. when she wakes up startled and weirded out, i say, "sssh... Don't worry. I'm here. Always." and then i laugh and i laugh, in the evil way that can sometimes be comforting to a person who feels threatened.

Remember that one time in Starsky & Hutch when he was like, "It's a floater. Nothing's harder to solve than a floater"?

consider me miles davis

Once upon a time, i got a whiff of some rankness that was beyond compare. The stink stank exactly like toejam from the dirtiest of toes. As i kept whiffing, i found it was not my feet. It was not the trash. It was not anything you'd expect to be stinky. The funk was coming from my pen. Ask me not why, for I have no answer. All I know is that every time I sniffed it, it made me gag a little. After I sniffed the pen more times than was neccessary, I decided the stink was indeed stinky and needed to be shared with the nostrils of another. So i went to bab and told her to "get a whiff of this pen." And i stuck it right up under her flared nostrils, where it remained for 4 seconds before her face squinched up and she said, "ewww. throw that thing away." It was exactly at this moment that i began laughing. Hard. A little too hard. And peed my pants.



The end.

this is gonna get weird

If we were caught in the desert with only the shirts on our backs and maybe the small whittling knife I always keep in my back pocket, I do believe there would be discussion of who would be eaten within the first 20 minutes. And I'm sure Julie would agree that it would be her that would have to eat me. And she would use my shirt to cover her head from the sun. And she would have to channel her inner Bear Grylls and sleep in my carcass to save her from the desert storms. And i would remind her how much she would miss me, especially while she was sleeping in my skin.

those goddam monkey bars

J and I tried to play on the monkey bars at this church by our house.  She got about 5 bars in and stopped.  I thought she was faking it, until I tried and nearly got my muscles pulled off the bones and shoulders out of their sockets!  How do those mother effin kids do this stuff?  The arch of the bars didn't help either, it was something out of Ninja Warrior, man.  It was horrible and hurt us both a lot.  The lesson is: Never Try.

We hit that ball

As always, the most challenging part of racquetball was to not pee our pants.  I would say, second most difficult part was being separated for 2 whole games.  I'm sure all the people at the courts have missed our antics.  Who knew the 1, 2, 3 shoot part would end up being the funniest moment?  I hear they're recruiting for style racquetball so hopefully someone comes by to see our skillz.

spear chucker

"Watch him pee on the track."
"Then he'll go over to the crowd and take a wife."
"Ha! A wife. Try 3 wives."

[A conversation between me, b.a.b., and my dad after watching another win by the fastest man alive. We were filled with the olympic spirit.]

believe it

here's a true story to bust your balls: the day we moved in to our new place we were sitting on our porch thinking "this is gonna be good." and then we look out and there is a rainbow in the sky.

we're on the buddy system

today we rekindled our friendship by taking an early morning nap on the BLOB, followed by an evening nap, commenced by the adding of chocolate milk. thank god she's back. nobody else makes racist olympic jokes or loves Bob Costas as much as her. nobody.

reunion

we're back to the good ol happy days, even if our couch is a blow up mattress.  the first few minutes were a little awkward, but i think it was because we were both so excited and didn't really know what to say.  and then there were a million stories and your mouth gets all dry from talking so much.  and then sitting around and laughing.  yeah pretty good to be back.

If Luke thinks he can replace me, he's got another think coming.