le tour

I wish Astana would change the team's jersey color from "aquamarine" to "clear."

or they should change the rules to: if you're not wearing the yellow jersey

then you're not wearing anything.

floor it

One's a speedbump. The other's a showoff.

W.W.B.G.D.?

Revisiting a rather lengthy conversation that occurred whilst I was in Australia for a month, regarding Bear Grylls and how we wish more than anything that they wouldn't use blurred censors when he strips down and does jumpingjacks to prevent hypothermia:

"I bought colgate toothpaste because they don't sell crest here. The toothpaste is Triple Action. Blue is for cavity protection.White is for white teeth.Green is for fresh breath.The problem, you see, is that the green hasn't been coming out. I've got the white and then the blue, side-by-side but no green. I appreciate cavity protection and white teeth as much as the next guy, but is not fresh breath important? Am I walking around with stinky breath? Am I squeezing the tube wrong? I'm losing sleep over it."
"It's times like this that make me think...What would Bear Grylls do? And I'm pretty sure he would coax the green out of the little tube by possibly whistling a snake charmer's charming song. Remember patience is key. And work hard because I do know that fresh breath is NOT overrated."
"Oh, Bear. How I want him to parachute into my room."
"Mr. Bear may just pop in to see you. That is if he's not finding his way out of the Sahara with only the clothes on his back and a half empty cantine."
"Then we'll make a floatation device out of our pants and swim back to you, eating seaweed for nutrients, and Bear will catch & tie together five hammerhead sharks to pull us when our pants deflated. and when the sharks devour something, Bear will grab the bits & pieces & mash them together in the shape of a hamhock & then cook it on an underwater fire created by Nature, purely out of reverence for Bear."
"And then when you and Bear arrive at the coast of California there will be a giant cliff, much like the one in Princess Bride, and Bear will throw you over his shoulder and say "Hold on chipper" and climb up the cliff using his legs for lift of course. At the top of the cliff you will run into some wolves. At this point you will be well versed in the life of Bear and the two of you will tame the wolves (naming one after me) and make a sled with wheels because it is mountainous California, and be pulled home by your beloved wolf family. On the way home you will eat an eclectic variety of fruits and berries that will hopefully not give you the runs."

the secret life of bees

we know all about bees because last summer we sat on our porch eating a bucket of sunflower seeds and we observed the migration pattern of this particular bee who would fly off and come back with a leaf and climb in a little hole near our feet and then one day we were sitting on a sidewalk and a bee kept buzzing all up in our grills and then i was all, "He's got a leaf." and then Bab was all,"Great. We're sitting on his hole." and indeed we were.

TeenageMutantNinjaTurtles was more believable

Brittany says I ruined Transformers the day I said, "Let me get this straight. They're aliens - robot aliens - and they're floating around in space, and their spirits have embodied cars?"

Well excuse me for demanding a tad bit of logic be woven into the fabric of the movies I watch.

things just got a little more awesome here at BFFL

Hey everybody! All 4 of you! Scroll down 3 clicks and
feed those fish!

You can call them Allison and Ann. They are the lamest fish you'll ever meet. Even their names are lame, as they were undeserving of cool ones. And they sometimes exhibit lesbian tendancies. Allison (the black/gold one) is a glutton. Ann (orange/white) has BM problems and she's always floating around the top, fighting to go down. Because of the BM issues, BAB and I have to defrost 2-3 frozen peas, peel them, then give it to the lamewads 5 days a week on average. What usually happens is that Allison swallows too big of bites then floats around for a few minutes, gasping and trying to barf it up. Then she barfs it up and swallows it again, repeating the entire process. I can't tell you how many times BAB and I have sat around watching this happen. It's usually during these moments in life when we look at eachother and think, "It's no wonder we don't have boyfriends."

tubing the Great River Anduin

the room's spinning... from all the gayness

A few months ago BAB disappeared for 2 days. I wasn't too concerned because I was high. And she returned before I remembered she was gone. BAB is now going to be gone for 2 weeks, so I took the opportunity to snoop around her room and look for loose change. My mistake. Something in her diary caught my eye and I was appalled to find this:

Understandably shaken, I frantically searched her computer, trying to find some answers, hoping she found this stub on a sidewalk near the local middle school or something. And that's when I saw it. I didn't want to believe it, but there it was, searing into my brain, hurting my soul - a picture more offensive than Axe Body Spray commercials. Look closely. And try not to scream:

Oh, the humanity.

____________________________________________


I guess I shouldn't have been too surprised, considering what her room looks like.

thanks, Morgan Freeman.

Remember this?

Derek Redmond didn’t finish in first place in the 1992 400 m.
He didn’t finish in second.

Or third.
Or fourth.
He, and his father, finished dead last.
But he and his father finished.

Yeah. now quit crying.

kosher

Guess who wasn't blessed by a rabbi.

heroic deeds

Bab and I just got back from what felt like the longest journey of our lives. It is a harrowing tale and it would probably take like an hour and 33 minutes to tell, but in real life it sometimes felt like it would never end. All that you gentiles need to know is that we succeeded. You can all sleep sound tonight. You're welcome.

YOU try and hate him

"When I worked at that Jewish boys summer camp they did these fake weddings all the time and there was this gay guy who really wanted to marry me. It made me really uncomfortable."

"That's weird."

"Yeah. We ended up getting married."

"If you're only going to bring 1 car to tube down the poudre, you ought to park it at the bottom and walk to the top, therefore earning your ride."

"Or if you hitch a ride with 2 ladies, you should compliment their medium to good looks."

yeah... i just don't get it.

You know he thinks he's a real vampire.

In my mind, he died when Harry Potter IV ended.

hey good lookin'

Remember how the only person who thought Bode Miller did good in the Olympics was

Bode Miller?

thriller

So we used to play 20 Questions a lot when we were little and suffocating in the back of the van. There were 2 people we would ALWAYS "think" of to make the other guess. Every time. The 2 people were:

1) Larry Peirce
2) Michael Jackson

Larry was an obese Civil Engineer who became a family friend of sorts and broke most of our kitchen chairs. Michael Jackson was this crazy singer who wore a glove because he was missing a finger (a fact told to me by my older sisters. a fact i repeated to everyone i ever met. a fact that is a boldfaced lie). If you were the lucky SOB who got to think of Michael, the convo went exactly as follows:

"I'm thinking of a person."
"Is it a male or female?"
"I don't know... [giggle]"
"MICHAEL JACKSON!"
"Yes!"





We weren't very creative. But I'll be damned if it wasn't funny every. time.

oh no you didn't

Hey, Korea! How 'bout you quit threatening to bomb our coolest state? Not very ladylike.

[watching beach volleyball on digital TV]

"Where's Kerri Walsh?"

"That BABE?!"

Our Mistake

You know what's not a good idea? Running around at night in all black carrying around your household items, such as stereos and computers. Those cops will mistake you for burglars and take you right to the clink.

Who know who's a little jerk?

This guy.

He's always ditching Wendy for mermaids or Indians or Tinker Bell.

it's a paint-by-number

if brittany and i starred in Good Will Hunting, she'd play the role of matt damon because she's wicked smaht. and i'd be her dumb best friend ben affleck, because we all know how much i look like him and how i'm going nowhere.

let's smoke some weed

RU-FI-O! RU-FI-O!

RU. FI. OHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhh

share the love

A tale of deodorant:

Julie had this Secret deodorant that smelled of vanilla and Hawaii, I believe.  The scent was too much for her non-so-stinky pits.  She entrusted it to me.  I wore it with pride until I left it at my parents' house one weekend.  My mom then took it on her journey to Connecticut where she knew she would be stinky.  There, my cousin thought her mom bought it for her and was very excited at which point my mom knew it had to be left to those younger than us who enjoy fancy deodorant.  And there it remains, in Connecticut to bask in the pitts of  a 12 year old.  I'm sure it ran out on her in a week.  

My mom said it, not me.

"Even when you do get a boyfriend, he won't be as fun at family events as Julie.  You'll have to bring both!"

"When Julie starts dating that guy, she better not blow off our family because she has to hang out with him."

Best friend integration into family: Complete.

and i'm always like,"Who's playing the drums?"

I wish the dorks downstairs who play HALO every second of everyday, providing a never ending barrage of fake automatic-artillery and various grunting noises, would go to war. The real war. Where they'd have to man up. And then they'd get shot. But they wouldn't die. They'd lose a limb here and a limb there, but with technology so advanced these days, it might actually be an advantage for them because they would be part robot. But the technology for robotic hands is not yet so perfect as a human hand's fine motor skills so they would either have to give up playing video games and crush cans all day or learn to play with their tongues. But hopefully the game would just give them flashbacks to the trenches and they would just sit there in silence with the blinds drawn and crushed cans strewn about, thinking only of dark days to come. And then I might go down and swap war stories and ask if I could try out their bionic replacement parts. We might even become friends and I would help them out of their depression by providing numerous statistics about soldiers who commit suicide and how they would have wanted to live if they only had a friend. Like me. And I would take their robot hand and say,"Don't you be a statistic [insert name here]. DON'T YOU BE A STATISTIC - DO YOU HEAR ME!?" And I would crush the Xbox in dramatic culmination, beautiful in its simplicity. Then after we all got over the moment, I would ask, "How the hell did you guys have girlfriends before you went to war?" Which is the real question.

When you land, try and land like an 8 year old - these bouncy castles are not designed for adults.

Were we a little TOO excited when we heard that the truck with the jumping castle was out front?

I don't believe there is such a thing as "too excited" when it comes to jumping castles.

Were we a little TOO disappointed when we were told that, No, there was not going to be a jumping castle for the birthday party?

You tell me.

"I'm scared to death." "We all are, Jeff Daniels - but our brains secrete a neurotransmitter that enables us to deal with them."

Today I was told that spiders are not "Gross" (as I had just declared them to be upon encountering one outdoors) - they are "Good." Whatever. Tell that to any child who grew up in the 90s and saw Arachnophobia at the tender age of 6 and 1/2, and you will most assuredly witness a slight look of terror and convulsion as we have flashbacks to the many nights we laid suffocating in bed with the covers over our faces, knowing hundreds, millions, of arachnids were crawling on top of us, trying to find a way in. Everyone remembers that scene when the man and wife are eating a bowl of popcorn and then the spider EATS THEIR BRAINS. Good, my ass.

We are victims; spiders and parents who don't censor what films their children are watching are the villains.

Good News

Both Spiderwick Chronicles AND Nim's Island were pretty good.  Just in case you're into kiddish movies like some people we know who told us about those 2 movies.

"Did you puke last night?"
"Yeah."
"Same... Well, we accomplished what we set out to do."

all it takes is faith and trust. and a few beers.

dear diary,

oh glorious day! it finally happened. i got to hug BAB's brother-in-law. i didn't even have to force him to by pretending to give a high-five then sneaking in for the embrace, which is how i've always imagined it going down. now that we are best friends, i think i'll finally have the courage to ask him what i've wanted to ask him from the very first day i met him: to join me on that greatest test of man's moral fiber, that 1,161 mile expedition where hypothermia and mental deterioration is the name of the game, that race - The Race - known simply as Iditarod. please, God, let him say yes. let me finally have the stouthearted dog sledding partner i've only ever known in my dreams.

bye for now,
julie

I'm Staying Young Forever!

Remember that movie Cocoon that you saw on tv that one Saturday?  Well in our apartment parking lot we have our very own Cocoon.  I have documented it as follows:

I will be rolling this into our pool where I will swim and stay young and sassy.  Eventually the aliens will come and take me away to live a wonderful life as their experimental specimen.

When I got home today, I had a hitler-like stache of dirt on my face.  Boy, I hope it wasn't there all day.

You run 8 miles a day? Well, see I'm a sprinter so we just run 400 meters

I don't think a 48 year old "sprinter" should talk running with a marathoner it just seems unbalanced.  

Talk About Stank

How did I know there was reefer in that Jeep?  1 dude in jammie pants, tie-dye t-shirt, long hair, beard, flip flops, and head band.  1 dude with headband, long hair, dirty clothes.  And what gave it away for sure - reek of pot.  

That dude's future.

Biking in the wind in Ft. Collins is probably as hard as having a baby.

"I appreciate this show because it's about a fat guy who has a fat wife."
"...That's a blog right there."

some of the lamest conversations i've ever had have been while getting my haircut at Great Clips.

highlights:

"So... uh... what do you do with all the hair?"

"We just throw it away."

"Yeah, I guess you wouldn't make sweaters..."

.

"You have really thick hair."

"I know."

"I have a scar on the back of my head, it's not sensitive."

"What's it from?"

"Uh... I don't remember."

(actually it's a birthmark, but I thought it'd be cooler to say it's a scar. unfortunately for both of us, i hadn't rehearsed a cover-story)

"Mama was in vaudeville, you see."
"Right..."

"What kind of shampoo do you use?"

"Finesse."

"That's why you have a dry scalp."

"What kind of shampoo do you use?"

"Herbal Essence."

"That's why you have a dry scalp."

"What Kind of shampoo do you use?"

"Dove."

"That's why you have a dry scalp."

today when i got my haircut, i swear the lady was trying to rip my birthmark off my head with her comb. i didn't mind that much because she was the silent type and it saved us 45 minutes of lame conversation.

I have no knack for business

If only I had purchased 10,000 of those Liberty Bell stamps at 41 cents.  As of today I would be making 3 cents on the stamp.  My investment would have increased by $300, that's almost a whole month's rent.  Biggest opportunity I ever missed out on.

#10 HAVE FUN!!

As I am about to embark on 3 weeks of solitude, I take out my 10 Rules of Karate list and refresh my mind.  I must remember #5 Maintain an Indomitable Spirit.  And I can't forget #2 No Junk Food.  If these 10 sentences of wisdom weren't hanging on my wall, I doubt I would be able to stay away from things like fighting with siblings and I might struggle with #9 Be Loyal to Your Country.  So thank goodness I'm well equipped, now jan can go on her journey knowing that I'll probably survive.

It's ten simple steps to kicking someone in the throat.

I aint as pretty as I used to be but god damn it I'm still standing here and I'm The Ram.

Last night I had a dream that I was asking The Wrestler how he dyes his hair.

The dream concerned me for two reasons:
1) Why would I ask THE RAM for hair advice? His mane isn’t exactly something I should aspire to.
2) Mickey Rourke!? That pervert? Get outta mah dreams, sir.

The whole dream felt dirty and uncomfortable in the same way it felt dirty and uncomfortable to watch the movie and find myself being attracted to his old, dirty abs.

jagged little pill

I wish I could still listen to Alanis Morissette with the same
renegade spirit, like I did in 3rd grade.









oh to be 8 again.

i can see your nuts

i once had this teacher who told his wife if he ever lost his mind to just drive him deep into the woods and drop him off and leave him there forever because he wouldn't know the difference.

you know he'd be naked after so long in the wild and he'd scare hikers every so often with his crazy nakedness, eventually becoming a legend told at slumber parties by little girls who had already tried (and failed) to do "light as a feather, stiff as a board."

my question to you:

WHO NEEDS TO BE CRAZY?

I'M DONE WITH SCHOOL!!!

ode to a frankfurter

i love summer. mostly because it means i get to eat hotdogs all day every day.



speaking of hotdogs - here's a song from my childhood:

In the bedroom, the mighty bedroom,
John Bobbitt sleeps tonight.
In the kitchen, the mighty kitchen,
Lorena gets a knife.
A-weenie-whack, a-weenie-whack,
A-WEENIE-WHACK, A-WEENIE-WHACK...


it's more of a hotdog-hate song, but i still like it.

a convo with our new best friend "jerry the safeway clerk"

Jerry to other clerk: "Can I get some bags from you?"

Us: "We can just carry our stuff."

Jerry is despondent: "But I just got all these bags for you."

Us, hearts melting on the spot:  "Aw, Jerry!" 

I'd like to thank whoever had the brilliant idea to paint Colorado's roads with non-reflective paint for making us have to drive like a bunch of terrified little bitches when it rains.

blueberries everywhere!

One time Julie had a box of super blueberry muffins, which usually comes with 2 cans of berries, but ours had 3!  So with our extra can we made blueberry waffles.  And that's a true story.

What Do We Eat??

We have the stinkiest trash in the world.

HEY EVERYBODY!! I got 8 hours of sleep last night!








Tonight, i'm going for 11.

in the words of Drew Barrymore in the hit film titled ET: "Whaaaat's haaaapeniiiing?"

finals used to just turn me into a monster. a napping, grouchy, crying monster with unkempt hair.

but now... it's turned me into an insomniac. and i'm losing it. i'd much rather be the monster. do you hear me? I'D MUCH RATHER BE THE MONSTER.