"Who does this guy think he is??

He looks like an asian John Lennon."

"Oh, the headline says it's Sean Lennon."

Mostly cause the gay jokes

I would call jan and me the 'Poor Man's Oprah and Gayle'

What a waste of a nice face.

My guess is some big-eared nerd taught Gerard Butler an American accent because he sure sounds like one.

HAM!!!

BAB is BACK!

and it makes me happy because she reports things, such as this:

"I was able to tell them, 'Yes, even though she has a boyfriend I am proud to say I still call her my best friend. Our friendship hasn't changed.' I didn't say,
 'I still love her with all my heart.' Like I wanted to."

Thank you, Lady Who Put on Your Hazard Lights,

for immediately turning them off after it made me stop riding your tail. 


Touché. 

WTF? (Why the face?)

Mom: Why are you guys running?
Us: We're being chased.
Mom: By who?!
Us: Just kidding. We're just trying to catch the sunset.

Livin like an outlaw

I'd like to thank all the young punks at my gym because you let me get in for the last 2 months even though my profile was "inactive."  I finally got busted.

I had a great time.  You're all beautiful.

Thoughts after first full week of teaching:

I need to be spooned.

I'm thinking about saying "sexting" instead of "texting."
   Just to check out the public reaction.  You know, for giggles.

the huxtables on ice

I've been saying it wrong for years.

It's not a "modge podge" of things, it's a "hodge podge."

     not to mention it's not even "modge podge" but "mod podge."

but I must admit "modge podge" is fun to say and use incorrectly.

Ratatouille. Not as cute in real life.

My cousin found a mouse in his basement and it wasn't an isolated incident.

He caught 53 mice in all.
Which I believe is called a colony.

!!!

"Come on, Phil. These kids aren't gonna shoot themselves."

Did I feel bad sniping the small child at laser tag?

No. His defensive tactics were poorly devised.

Did I feel bad as I proceeded to take out his own father before his very eyes?

War is war, people. I make no appologies.

Although, if I had a do-over, I would have kept the Indian-war-cries to a minimum.

"Any one of those kids could be the future Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, and I better teach them like it." -Eleanor Roosevelt

JAN starts her new job tomorrow, teaching the youth of America and I hope many things for her.

1. Good students, but not teacher's pet kind of students.
2. Lunch at a decent hour, nobody should have to teach through noon.
3. A cool principle who understands that her form of punishment (getting the callouses off her feet with her ped egg) works better than simple detention.
4. But Mostly Safe landings of all her jokes.

Good Luck, pal!
Teach those m-effers that Ralph represents human beings’ civilizing instinct, as opposed to the savage instinct that Jack embodies!

love,
bab 

Resolution: to resolve more mysteries

1/1/11 I ate black eyed peas today, like a Jew on Rosh Hashanah.   

Feeling lucky already.

"CANNONBALL!!!"

This time BAB and I brought in the New Year the right way -
by cannonballing off the diving board
and getting huge wedgies as a result.
May your splashes be as grand as ours!

Smell ya later, 2010.

You were a good one.

speak for yourself. i was able to properly identify Jackie M.F.N. Chan during the Olympic closing ceremonies

You know how people are like, "Ray Charles is the best." and you're like, "He's dead." and they're like, "Is he? Nah... he's still alive." and you're like, "You're thinking of Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby's still alive." and then they get on their preachy horse and act all offended because they think you think all Black guys look alike?

Pretty annoying.

Never order two

Because after you've finished the first hotdog, you don't even want the one you just ate.

one desire that's left in me: i want the whole damn world to come dance with me

million dollar idea

"You should start a website called 'Pooping in Geocaches.'"

we accidentally wore matching plaid shirts. so sue us.

JAN: Why do they always get more ice cream scooped than us?!
BAB's sister: Well, look how they're dressed! They're in fancy teen dresses, with makeup and high heels! And you guys...
BAB: ... Look like we could go chop some wood if we had to?

True Love

I value having a friend who says, "You've got another thing coming if you think I'm going to give up on this friendship." 
Only a BFFL can say such loving things in such a threatening way.

"Huh! Eh! Hai! Hoh!"

Are the exact sounds if you need to make for the dog sled team that's hooked up to your sled-on-wheels to cross the street, go onto the sidewalk, and make their way to Safeway.

It's called Urban Mushing.

This morning I waited patiently in my bike lane for the light to turn green so I could cross Timberline.  But then! All the cars started turning right and wouldn't let me have my god given right to cross.  And the injustice of it all made me so mad that I started to cry.

Bon Jovi was the highest earner on tour this summer.

This news is no shock to Julie who would likely say, "It's simply because he looks so good."

where have i heard that name before?

A little while ago, I heard someone speak the name John Kerry. It sounded familiar, like I'd once known this person. I said the name over to myself a few times and then this face popped up into mah brain and I had myself a good 2-5 minute chuckle.

 Oh John Kerry, you idiot.

April, 2011

If you want me and BAB to start crying ever-so-slightly, just show us the preview for a documentary about rescuing baby orangutans and elephants. And if you must, have Morgan Freeman narrate the whole time.

goodbye, chin.

"Yeah, Birdman! Get the neck tattoo! It'll look so sweet,"

said no one.

Excuse me.

I thought this was America. Where I can say, "I hate the Blue Man group." and then bow out, point made.

I guess it is America, but I'm dating a Russian spy who won't take "Their blue faces annoy me" for an answer.

Today was my first time playing racquetball without a leg brace!

Lo' and behold, I got pegged right on the cooter.

Be kind to them ladies, they're tender souls.

Our best pals Jay and Jeff both recently engaged themselves in the activity of getting engaged to be married, and not to each other believe it or not!

I see them now; talking about getting pregnant at the same time, being next door neighbors and secretly wishing their kids will someday marry so they can finally be true family.

Precious.

I always thought they were saying baclava. But you can't wear a dessert.

"I finally looked up what a balaclava is.  It's one of those robbery ski masks where you can only see the person's eyes."


"But Hagrid wears those all the time!"

"Those crazy brits."

chatting

"My yogurt = fail. But, I finished my homework! Whew."
"Maybe you could turn the bum yogurt into mayonnaise! and smear it on your homework!"
"Brilliant!"



only a bffl would have responded with "brilliant" instead of "why do you say the things you say?"

Until about two months ago

whenever I heard someone say, "Struggling to make ends meet." what my mind was hearing was, "Struggling to make ends meat." and it didn't really make sense to me but I thought, hey, It is hard to buy meat when you're at the end of your monies. And then I went on my merry way for 24 years.

But for some reason the other month, my brain suddenly realized it was a m-f'n homophone and then the world turned upside down and I got a little queasy and I had to sit down and eat a some cheez-its.

It's World AIDS Day everybody!

Let's try and combat the most depressing holiday ever by celebrating safely.

a story to tell

"I've fallen a few times while running.  The worst was when I had the dog leash tied around my waist and he bolted after a rabbit while we were running down a hill.  I fell over and he dragged me behind him."



"Ooo you're the only person who's allowed to laugh, but you couldn't because you were being pulled through the dirt."

Vibram shoes never cease to surprise me when I see them on someone's feet and make me chuckle.

Thanks, Uncle Bert.

"Julie, with that hair and those glasses, you know who you kind of look like?"
"Don't insult me..."

"You know the guy from Wayne's World?"

I do know the guy from Wayne's World. His name is Garth:

and this makes me wonder how mean his insult would be.

congratulations, you're the fattest kid in camp!

Enjoy the day, jive turkeys.

and I'm thankful for:

1) sprinkles on my yogurt

2) knowing i have a back-up kidney in BAB, which let's me live a little more recklessly, put a little more rum in everything

3) the voice of Tom Hanks

4) new understanding when i read ee cummings
5) the story of when bab's mom's family moved her to a farm and they were terrible farmers and then one day they forced her to go behead the goose for dinner and then the headless body flopped around and sprayed her with blood and ultimately, i fear, broke a bit of her soul.

6) the pre-decapitated turkey that is currently baking in the oven.

America's one food tradition

I am thankful for: #1 A friend who makes me laugh a little too hard #2 Cranberry sauce in a can and #3 A show from 1937 which exhibited to my father how to properly carve a turkey in front of none-so-friendly in-laws.

Happy Thanksgiving!

"It's not made with ox bone?"

"No, it's ox tail.  I looked it up and there were super gross pictures of it cut up into tiny pieces simmering in broth."


So I sat and learned the true origins of my lunch thinking about how Laura Ingalls loved to eat roasted pigs tail and finished off my Phở.

Who eats an apple at the movies?

The lady sitting beside me, of course! That's the kind of life I lead. And even though it was during the IMAX viewing of HPvii Part 1 - sacred, if you will - it didn't make me so much annoyed as it did make me start laughing hysterically with every ill-timed CRUNCH. The kind of silent laughter where you're just shaking and crying and getting really hot and you can see your BFFL shaking in your peripherals so you can't stop. Ever. As she crunches what is either 10 different apples or the world's largest apple (because it's been at least 40 minutes since she first began this endeavor), you come to the point where you're trying to hold it in because this is the part where Ron comes back! (heartwrenching) but alas, the snacking is just too absurd and you're snorting in a scene in which you never thought you could do anything but weep. The truth is that ultimately, you're rooting for her to Get To That Core! because you're honestly a little concerned how long it's taking her. You're in this together now; this is your Horcrux to destroy.  

Hangin out this weekend, gettin crunk.

if you think we're annoying now, imagine this:

Back when the stars were aligned and Brittany and I were allowed to live together, we used to speak fake parseltongue a lot just to annoy our lame rommates and entertain ourselves. Parseltongue is the language of serpents and of those who can converse with them. An individual who can speak Parseltongue is known as a Parselmouth. It is a very uncommon skill, often hereditary. Parseltongue is, when spoken, a hissing sound comparable to the reptilian snake; as such, normal people can not understand it.

As it turned out, we were really believable fake parseltmouths. So much so that our roommates quit saying how dumb we were and instead would ask, "Well, what'd she say that time?" And BAB wouldn't miss a hiss and reveal, "She wants mac'n'cheese with bits of hotdog sprinkled on top." And then I'd get a little scared because it would be exactly what I was saying. And then we would laugh and laugh because we always thought we were the funniest people in the room. The end.

butt wipe

"He won't use them because he thinks they smell bad."
"As opposed to poop?!"