if you want to feel pretty, go to the fireworks stand on mulberry

You should have seen us picking these out. 3 for a Dollar sounds great, and it is. After asking lots of questions and receiving half-hearted answers, these bad boys are the ones we settled on. We asked the guardian of the shack if they sold real fireworks and he seemed slightly offended. He had shifty eyes and started sweating profusely after B told him to "Be cool, man." He said no. We knew the big ones had to be back there somewhere. We tried different code words, like "cheesewhiz" and "hiroshima" but he didn't (or wouldn't) catch our drifts.

So we left with this boogle: 2 packs of snappers, 1 pack of snakes, 1 disco, 1 laying hen, 1 racing monkey, 12 mini fountains.



The real show went down last night at around 10 pm. Spectacular extravaganza, as it's written in today's papers. Racing monkey broke the soundbarrier. Laying hen was supposed to be the finale, but that shifty-eyed idiot sold us the Rooster packaged in the Hen. When he told us the hen lays eggs and the rooster screams, we looked at him in disgust and said, "We'll take the hen." Imagine our dismay when the fuse reaches the package and it screams at us! No eggs were layed. Only one deafening scream.

Best night ever.

If I had to create some sort of flag for us it might look something like this.

don't be kong

B and i used to play Mario Kart a lot. I'm glad that bullshit is over.

Bring it

From the looks of it the only adults who like four square are huge nerds, but it can't be so because we love it.  Here are the facts: square 1 is the shit.  During my intensive research I learned that any special rules must be called out by the player in square 1 prior to the serve.  A really good player can use moves like the "Slice."  The player uses a hand to create either top or back spin on the ball.  This move creates major confusion, it uses medium power and is an accurate hit.  I advise you all to bone up on your four square moves because a tourney will be held on the streets right outside our house a few Saturdays from now.  This one's just for the kids who are allowed to go into the street.  Bring your own lunch, lemonade will be provided.  

This is not your grandma's four square.

Horsetooth, consider yourself tamed.

5.25 Tuesday night beers

Let it be known that we have a new gladiator among us.

Name: J

Height: 6'3"

Weight: 300 lbs of pure evil

Special Gladiator move: The Spray

With his tribal garb and distinctive tattoos, he may conjure up images of an island paradise, but facing him in battle is pure hell. Drawing on the power of his ancestors, J has the strength of a thousand warriors flowing through his veins, and he will never, ever show mercy.

We're baaaack!!!

Move aside Jew kids, the kickass quartet is back at Old Chicago.  Last week was a bit of a bust, what with the fewer than 10 beers had altogether and one key player sitting out.  This week we killed it.  Jay sneezed all over me and later on spat his beer on the 3 of us, Julie taking the brunt of it.  I loved every minute of it.  Let's go back every single day.

Bury my shell at Wounded Knee

Gary, my beloved pet snail, is dead.

Homer and Token aren't taking it very well. Who can blame them? I know I felt like killing myself. They seem distraught and aren't eating with their usual vigor.

At least we still have Jay and Jeff - the newest snails that came with new plant. They're all right, I guess. But they're so small. They won't be able to keep up with the algae like Gary could. I hope they feel bad about all the times I caught them climbing up on Gary's shell. Poor dude.

This is a picture of Jay. You can see him better if you squint.

God knows where Jeff is.

things have gotten out of hand

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY AND GOOD,

Please come mow our lawn.

talk about stank

hockey is such a stinky sport.  don't sit in the front row because the cold cannot fully cover up the stench.

I'M BACK. You're welcome, Fort Collins.

Just waiting for my buddy to get home from work.

Our Better Halves

Sure, we can say they missed out on an Office marathon, but, in truth, Jeff and I aren't much without our better hetero halves. Yeah we laughed, but we didn't cry. We sure couldn't play Rock Band with only two people.  I hope we aren't forced to put on happy faces much longer, my muscles are strained.  

sooo depressed.

i think i bruised my left butt bone.  it's too difficult to speculate how it happened.

and then there were two...

looks like it's going to be another

Mark Wahlberg Summer.

(in other words - Badass.)

We Represent The Lollipop Guild

Today was a great day for our kind. I feel we can best express ourselves in the form of a song.

ahem

Ding Dong! The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch!
Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead.
Wake up - sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed.
Wake up, the Wicked Witch dead. She's gone where the goblins go,
Below - below - below. Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out.


Peace.

The truth is... I am Iron Man.

How did we forget this past week? Because of this, mostly. Go big or go home is what we always say. Some of us went a little too big and went home and puked. See picture below.

that's ol' pukey lying there in my bed. i dragged her cold dead body home because she made me promise to. and because i love her.

Julie and I were forced to hold hands out of fear tonight when we walked to the five points in Denver.  We looked at some bullet holes in a window and a flood light made me jump.

if we don't blog it means we're depressed.

or dead.

no place to hide

Today I did an intervention on B. I jumped out from behind the door & yelled "Intervention!"

I think it worked, she totally wasn't expecting it.

Then we watched Toy Story I. We were going to watch Toy Story II, but there wasn't enough time.

dear diary.

brittany and i just had the best nap in the world on the fold-out. you know it was a good one when you wake up and are very hot.

bye for now,
julie

I know what's what

Julie says she has to stay up late because she's "working on a project" but I know it's for her nightly Secret of Nimh meeting.

eh, comrade?

I read today that the Danes are the happiest people on Earth followed closely by the Swiss.

My thoughts:

Great Dane dogs are cool.  Swiss cheese is delicious.

Is the key to happiness Socialism?  Will I be blacklisted for writing this?

  

Dedicated to the memory of Jeff Berens. May he rest in peace... so that he will be able to stay awake for our tri-date tomorrow night

Who do we love? JEFF BERENS!
Why do we love him? Oh, a number of reasons really.
I shall put them in numeric order nah:

1. he has a beard
2. he has done 5 Tuesday night beers
3. he has a giggle that will warm the hearts of frozen dead guys
4. he can stick shift like it’s nobody’s business (which it isn’t, so mind your own)
5. he can eat sunflower seeds without ever using his fingers
6. he belongs to a fraternity disguised as a sorority
7. he is usually clothed
8. he met tulowitzki
9. he’s not afraid to hit a girl
10. he once took an ambulance ride for a sprained ankle
11. he has a lot of friends, including two really pretty ones
12. he knows everything there is to know about chinchillas
13. he once defended a small tribal village in the jungles of brazil using only a spear fashioned from a branch and his own brutish strength
14. he lets people puke in his bed
15. he is not fat
16. he lets you rub his face
17. he once killed a man and then brought him back to life, just to teach him a lesson about the evils of nudey websites
18. funny as shit on crutches
19. he is always looking out for his nuts, i’m sure they appreciate it, as do his unborn children
20. he likes country music
21. he doesn’t believe in pro-choice, but he likes the taste of tender babies
22. he knows a good "that’s what she said" joke when he hears one
23. he IS wisdom
24. he was able to resist the J.T.T. craze of 1994
25. he was willing to share his mother’s womb with two others
26. he is always willing to help two retards get a canoe.

On another note, we got a canoe. We christened it ‘Jeff.’

Food for thought

I had this journal prompt I wanted to test on B. I asked her to describe the place she grew up in three words.

She said, "Puke, HIGH, journal."

Then I asked her to describe her heaven in three words.

She said, "Puke, HIGH, journal."

What's interesting about this is that when I asked her to then compare the two, she had difficulty. Brittany asked me the same questions and I said, "Hot, sweaty, black." and "Moderate temperature, not sweaty, white" respectively.

In conclusion, we are both retarded and racist, respectively.

RIP, Ling Ling, RIP

My hero has died.

Peligroso!

It started with, J: "Hey Brittany, get me a butter knife will you?" B: "Ok, catch."

She caught it, no harm done.  

But what if I tossed her a light bulb?  The fact is, when tossed lightly and caught with care a light bulb elicits no more harm than, say, a tennis ball.  Then we tried the turn-around-and-catch-the-hole-punch.  It's pretty dangerous, especially when thrown fast.  A hole-punch to the ribs definitely smarts.  

I have to say the #1 was the scissors chuck.  We didn't actually try it, but while we were brainstorming we thought of that commercial we saw on MTV once where the dude gets the scissors stuck in his arm.  Eww. 

Smell that? That's rarefied air. We're in the big leagues now!

My dad bought a boat. Suck it, boatless.

This is an emotional one.

I was brought back to times of happiness when Julie was talking about having to listen to a certain someone play the saxophone and she said "Saxamaphone, saxamaphooone." I miss the Simpsons. There, I said it. It's been boiling up inside me for quite some time now and I haven't really told anyone. Remember the one where Homer meets the guy who thinks he's Michael Jackson in the crazy house? Then they sing that song to Lisa on her birthday, she would've had a really crummy birthday without that psycho. You gotta love the one where Australia tries to kick Bart in the hiney with that giant boot. I don't know, I guess it's something I'll have to work through myself. But I had to get it off my chest.

Sorry if I got you down.

i wish i could play little league now...

This weekend’s Pirate win against the Greeley Cows was bittersweet. The final game. Our team has been together for 6 weeks, training hard every Tuesday and Thursday from 5 to 5:30, playing hard every Saturday morning. Brittany and I were nervous about joining the team, as they’ve all been together since they were 4. But they accepted us as one of them, especially after B and I proved we could whack the shit out of the teeball and get to first base in 3 steps. Coach Pat saw our potential and showed us how to wield the power of belittling the opponents with our advanced vocabularies.
But it wasn’t just about us dominating. We’ve made some great friends, in particular, Joey – the coolest second grader you’ll ever meet. Stay cool Joey, stay cool. And Mrs. Duncan (Peter's mom) – we’ll never forget her delicious snacks and capri-suns. What a lady.

It was a good season. Nay – a great season. And we are sad to see it end.

Let us pay tribute here: ARRRRGH! YOU! SCARED!?
ARRRRGH! YOU! SCARED!? LET’S GO PIRATES!

What chromosome are you missing?

Nothing special, but it's a really really really good picture.

It's ugly but I love it.  And I vowed to put it on the top spot whenever I felt like it wasn't getting the attention it deserves.

hear ye! hear ye!

I stepped in gum the other day. Since then, dirt and sawdust bits have gathered.

don't be alarmed

i was registering Brittany as a sex offender today, and i decided to search and see if there were any merv the pervs living near us. the search came up with this guy:

Name: Ronald Eugene Robb
Alias: None (but i like to think he goes by Mr. Tickles)
Charge: robbery, "loving kids too much" 1997
Current Address: 502 w laurel st
Distance: 0.45 miles



i know i'm going to hell for this... but it made me laugh pretty hard. ol' creeper magoo, living absurdly close to jay and jeff.

maybe i'll register myself. as a sexy offender.

I hate snakes

We're having Indiana Jones night every 3 days in preparation for the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Julie and I bought Herbert Johnson "Poet" Model hats and I must say Julie's resemblance to Harrison Ford in Raiders is uncanny. We made bullwhips out of newspaper, string and a little imagination.

I filled the living room with snakes, bad idea.

The biggest surprise, for me at least, was the giant ball Julie had hidden in her closet. As I was walking to the living room she sent it after me in the hall and I had to run for cover, thrilling really. She told me that everyday for 6 months she added 10 rubberbands to the ball. Then she painted it one night to look like stone. If I hadn't seen Raiders of the Lost Ark 57 times I wouldn't have known how to escape that beast of burden. I guess you could say we're pretty excited.

Anyone interesed in becoming our own Short Round need only say the word.

What's my life's biggest regret?

Not stopping the car to pick up that turtle that was in the road that one time. I think we all know what happened to him.

FACT: Racoons glow in the dark

one time we were sitting on our front porch minding our own beeswax, and out of the storm drain climbs this beast of burden raccoon. he had to weigh 80, maybe 107 pounds. he started to walk off, but he looked back at us and that bastard snorted. just like that. infront of the entire neighborhood. since then, b & i have sworn to avenge our honor. tonight we waited outside the drain for about 45 minutes, but that raccoon never showed its sorry face. we are beginning to wonder if it is some sort of genetically altered coon that escaped from a labratory. just in case, we've watched secret of nimh 13 times. have yet to find the secret. and that cocky son-of-a-bitch racoon.

Confused? Yeah.

This is Inspector Blue and Mr. James Frankenroy. It's a lot like Batman and Bruce Wayne, you'll probably never see us in the same room as these fine gents.

How many times to I have to tell you? Blue and Frankenroy have moustaches, Julie and Brittany DON'T!

Dear Bird Log,

Recently, we've taken up pretend bird watching. It has amazed us how many different birds we have already been able to log in our birdie logs. We'd like to share with you our latest sighting, or "shooting" (as brittany likes to say, because then it implies that we kill the birds, but in reality they are the ones shooting us - with their beauty! haha). We saw this little gift of god in a tall tree. What a rare sighting! We heard its song ( "chirp-chirp-squaaaaaaaw" ) and thought to ourselves "NO! It can't be! Not this time of year!" And sure enough, there it was.

A Yellow Bellied Carolina Left Wing Greybrow.

We knew for certain we had spotted this rarity when we located the small likeness of Hitler on its hind-plumage, which is an unfortunate tradmark specific to this species. I believe my words were "Extraordinary!" followed by my fellow watcher's exclaimation of "How very extraordinary!" For those of you not familiar to the glorious world of fake bird watching - to see a Y.B.C.L.W.G. at this time of the year is, indeed, extraordinary. One usually finds them in this region around May.

233. Yellow Bellied Carolina Left Wing Greybrow **

[Attention readers: double asterisks docments birds brittany has been able to pet]

(As a side note - many of you will scarcely forget how these birds were the target of mass murder during WWII. The biggest tragedy to strike the bird world since Thanksgiving, 1621. I would like to remind you that birds are unable to hold any sort of political view, much less an anti-semitic one.)

Just whistling the Harry Potter theme gets me excited. Who doesn't want to be transported to a world of flying around on brooms, battling evil with your best friends and finishing it all off with a pint of butterbeer? Until the movie comes out, you can find me playing out the first five movies in our backyard with my figurine set.

"Oh Ron, you handsome devil."

orcs are stinky

Today Brittany and I traveled to New Zealand, where we walked the path to Mordor and hiked Mount Doom. It was a bitch.

well, i hated it.

This weekend I was the victim of a hate crime.

The safe word is "foliage"

It's the sunflower seeds that keeps this family together.  Bickering nearly caused a divorce in our small group.  It could've been the beer can that someone took to the face, who knows?  But we all kept dipping our grimy hands into that bucket to eat those seeds and it really kept us tight.  Well, it kept us in the same vicinity.  

If a divorce does happen, Julie's coming to live with me.

Julie helped me study today.  It was most appreciated.  I think the only bad part about it is instead of just me getting downtrodden by all the hullabaloo we both did because she had to read the notition dulitions too.  Now she's laying down and I'm pretty sure brain is oozing out of her ears.  The lesson is: Never try.

the best thing about transformers was the musical score

Q: What's cooler than Optimus Prime?

A: This pinecone I found in the gutter, that may or may not have been digested by the giant raccoon that lives in the storm drain.

Winning the World Series is for ninnies.

The season is upon us - Todd Helton Goatee Time.

Grow 'em. Love 'em.

God bless us, everyone.

It might be the giant bucket of sunflower seeds but I feel like I'm one with baseball. It's like I'm from El Salvador and they came and scouted me out and said, "Yo soy tu papa." How could you not move to America and play their favorite pastime for lots of money while scarcely understanding what's going on? Well either way I'm looking forward to viewing a lot more of Tulo and his giant legs and telling people, "Yes, our mascot is a dinosaur and we hate him."

GET OFF THE GODDAM SHED

There is this shed in our backyard. So B & I climbed up on it. We played ninjas. Then we got hungry. So we got off the shed. Best day ever (after many, many other better ones).

Tuesdays are the best days in the world.

sometimes we worry about ourselves. what is the maximum amount of time you can spend together without looking gay?
whatever it is, we've surpassed it.

Ain't nothing wrong with cheers-ing to, "None of us having divorced parents! To our dads loving our moms!"  Don't try and tell me there's something wrong with that.

It Starts

Julie and I arm wrestled today. We both lost. I believe it was due to the lack of arm muscle brought to the table by both parties. Also we don't have a regulation arm wrestling table so everything was skewed. A re-match will most likely occur in July of 2012.