we're offended

why do we have to bring this sign to every indoor sporting event we attend?

because of that one time...

this one time i got all tiffy because jan took my fancy pens out of their color coded order and i made her color code them again.  i'm pretty sure they're in the exact same order as before.  now that's a lady who studied her primary colors.

A New Car!

I say if taxpayers have to bail out the auto companies, they should give us each a new car.

Here's Julie's pick. A sensible one, no doubt.

hello, tiny one.

If i ever abduct a small child, it'll be this kid.
For two reasons:

1) he only weighs 17 lbs.
2) he has the same best friend as me

Julie had to swallow her pride

 and a pencil stub last night on a dare.

he answered her call

JAN did this bird call once in the apartment.  I would say it went something like "whipper-whill, whipper-will!"  

And out of nowhere, in came an answer to her song.  If I remember right it was "kwa-loo!"  

this could be JAN's future, sittin in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g

Now I'm still a newbie at the bird call thing but if I'm correct, because of their fateful calls, Julie procured a mate for life!  My guess is he lives directly below us or below and to the left.  So now we just have to make sure it isn't that old guy.

a christmas miracle.

Long story short, one time my mom let me pet a cat that had ringworm.
A week later I lost peripheral vison in my left eye.
I became scared and hungry.
Luckily, I was sitting next to a plate of bab's mom's deviled eggs.
I ate one.
And I got my vision back.
That egg was filled with some devilly goodness,
for which I thank God every night during my bedtime prayers.

quit busting our balls, world.

if it didn't take so much effort, we'd dig a hole, lay down in it,

and die. maybe we'll just go lay in a ditch somewhere and hope a combination of erosion, windshifts, and Mother Nature will do the job. that'll probably be what happens.

she was robbed

JAN's bike was stolen Monday and it was really a loss for the whole town.  Because she lit up the place when she rode around on that silver wonder.  She installed the basked that may or may not still be on the handle bars.  So if you see a shady looking person riding a shiny, cadillac of a bicycle throw a stick in the spokes.  

it looks a little bit like this one, but comfier perhaps

i believe...

that being a college student means you can wear the same pair of socks 2 days in a row. 

Could he have been any cooler?

Yeah.

Here's how:

julie steals

she took a dime from my floor. 

HAIL!

Pumpkin Pie Blizzards are the best.

I'm voting it for President.

Someone Call Child Services

Dee Wallace is a bad mom who allows her children to face RABID dogs and Aliens.

It won an Oscar. for Best Game Ever Created.

last night we invented a game called "Agent Michael Scarn"
Rules:

1. beer shot every time you see Stanley
2. only allowed to eat popcorn if you throw it in the air and catch it in your mouth

the game also involved daring brittany to eat stuff I found on the floor.

.

play it with your children. you won't be disappointed.

Watch out Batman, that tea has caffeine in it!

Last night at around 11:47pm, as we were mending clothes for orphans, I noticed ol' J was drinking tea.  As she took a sip, she said it was white plum, delicious white plum.  Out of general concern I blurted, "it has caffeine in it, you'll be up all night!"  And what did that supershiela do?  She defied common sense and drank the stuff.  In a field of daisies, I'd bet she'd be a cactus.

oh the gore.

Left pointer finger jammed!  It's a result of trying to go up a steep curb.  Bike couldn't do it, but my pointer finger kept going.  The pain to my ego is what hurts the most.  Lucky I'm not a dude.

  

without her, my clothes would be wrinkly and my hair never insulted

I'd like to dedicate this "I love you" to my mom.

Yes I like Pina Coladas

We feel the song could use a revamp with less synthesizer and maybe some different lyrics, change the story a little so it's less swinger-ish.

This is me being the little psycho girl thrashing about on her noodle at the hot springs:

"This is my horse. He's MAD cause there's too many people. He's a BAD horsey. I'm going to punish him!"

[BAB and I exchange glances of horror]

This is me being us in hushed whispers:

"Psycho..."
"She's going to grow up to be an axe murderer."
"She's going to beat the horse till it breaks its leg and then shoot it on the spot."
"Poor horse. He doesn't seem that bad."
"And then she'll chop it up and eat it for dinner..."
"RAW."
"Jinx!"

may the dear lord bless me

It's my birthday this weekend.

It better be a good one. Because according to brittany's magic 8 ball, it's definitely my last.





and it was right about us having to be alone forever.

what a load

We have a dirt lot behind the fence that we have decided to turn into our COMPOST HEAP OF EPIC PROPORTIONS!
Mostly, we just throw over whatever we feel like from our porch.
Thus far, I have contributed:

• one pear core
• 7 chewed pieces of trident gum
• one cattail

Go Donkies.

"I wish we could call him Cuddler," she said.

"We can," I replied.

Fact: We love Jay Cutler so much we wish we had diabetes.  Just last night Julie said he made the disease look good.  I wished my pancreas to stop making insulin.

mas·sa·cre: the unnecessary, indiscriminate killing of a large number of human beings

You know what always gets a laugh out of us?
The Boston Massacre.

4 people died. FOUR.

We average that many losses every time we throw a tea party, but you don't see us bragging.

i wish i was filibusting right neh.

Remember when Mr. Smith goes to Washington and then goes on a punching spree and then talks himself to death?

You sit on it Minetti, because I never will, ever!

Today I lost my battle with formaldehyde. As I was taking off my stank clothes I gagged. It was a "I'm gonna puke" gag too.

CAR!... Game on!

The season is upon us: Jay Cutler Bowl Cut Time!!

Dork it up, everyone.

Make the cut proud.

______________________________

He's our very own Elway/Emilio Estevez.

is it too much to ask?

Look, BAB and I would love to go do our duties of moral goodness in the poor countries. Sure we would. But we know we'd get stuck doing something shitty, like having to paint our faces everyday in sweltering heat and juggle rocks and try not to scare the kids when we pass out from severe dehydration. I'd bet you ten billion bucks we'd be stuck doing something stupid like that. So that's why we're staying put until the m-effers at peace corp allow us to go together without having to get married AND until they can guarantee that we wouldn't have to mime Bible stories or guard the village cow. That's asking too much. All we want to do is feed kids salt and maybe help check for lice.

fear not!

why do i fear taking out the trash?

Here's why:

our groceries were bagged yesterday because the guy thought jan looked nice.  he liked her headband and i'm guessing her general appearance.

and that's a reason to become friends with pretty people.

i redact it

This one time I compared Julie to Ben Affleck because they both have big domes.  My interpretation of her reaction was that she was offended.  So I'm here to declare that the two are not at all alike.  Shoot, Julie doesn't even like Jennifer Garner, that's how different they are.

dropping like flies

Halloween is the time that we like to purge ourselves of the desire to severely harm our enemies. In lieu of physical violence, vandalism, and verbal abuse, we choose to leave these personalized greetings on the doorstep of everyone we wish ill will towards. It usually makes us feel a lot better, and no harm done.

2007's Hate-Pumpkin Deliveries Courtesy of JAN and BAB: 2
2008's Estimated Hate-Pumpkin Deliveries Courtesy of JAN & BAB: 37

You people of the earth really pissed us off this year.

some more than others.

"Confession. I think Bela Karolyi is a babe."

"I can never gauge what kind of dude will do it for you."

"Well, I think it might be his stache. Or his eyes. Or his sideswept hair. Or his accent that I can't understand."

"Or maybe how he has no loyalty to his home country."

"Yeah... it's definitely not his stache."

i never got to say goodbye

i was nervous that the usual guy would be rude to me again, but we never got to see.  let me ask you, How can The Country's Best Yogurt go out of business???  It's the bayst! well it's gone and now i won't get my yogurt cultures.  so this one goes out to you TCBY, i have always loved you.

no manners

Don't ever let us sit by any groups of people that any type of inappropriate joke could be made about, because we'll say anything.  It's like we're asking to get in a fight, and I believe I heard Jeff ask to get in a fight.  but i don't think i could take an asian.

celebrate good times, come on.

i really can't tell you what the best part of last night was. i had to excuse myself to the ladies room many a time just so they wouldn't see the tears of joy i shed. it was good to be back. dan and bryan were especially delightful, we even got to sneak in for a hug. i think that's what is known as Third Base. like i said, can't tell you what the best part of last night was.

but here are the top 10 moments:

1) high-fiving Jay for still being 21 while Brittany and Jeff sat there, practically dead already.

.

2) Dan's semi-racist joke

3) hearing Grant's not on their flag football team so bab and i can stop wishing for a severe outbreak of VD amongst the players

4) Jeff's hoe-ing story

5) Unfair Pee races

6) when Jay was talking about his TNMT halloween costume his mom made and jeff was like "i hear this story once a year." (the adorableness of the moment was a bit too much)

7) hearing that they actually DO like playing racquetball with us

8) pretending to be jay and jeff's dates so that the lesbians at the lesbian table would keep their eyes to themselves

9) riding off into the cold night with our newly acquired headlamps/x-ray vision

10) rekindling a beautifully awkward friendship of 4 at old c's

in a close 11th place was brittany heaving in the gutter. i gave her some light from my head. she didn't appreciate it, so it didn't really make the cut. but, it will always live in my heart. as funniest moment ever.

We're done with September.  

so don't expect anything from us.

i doubt that very much

Who would want to go to a Rockies game in a limo instead of staying home with me, watching crappy movies, staying sober and trying to find my cell phone?  Not to mention I cooked a really gross dinner and there's fruit flies in the trash.

ah nuts

I had this big party all set up for The Office season premier, but I guess it doesn't start until next week.  If you'll excuse me, I have to go take down my streamers.

i miss bab.

Coup!

As a professional cat-sitter, I have many a run-in with the cleaning lady.  In my opinion, help should not mix; we could plan a rebellion.

Ye Be Warned.

I feel it is my duty, as a model citizen, to warn all of mankind that the squirrels are getting frisky. As a dear friend Jeff Carson would say, "You better washout." Some of you may think I jest, so I have chronicled the horrific experience that happened to me the last time the squirrels got frisky.

B.A.B. says it's only a matter of time before they start walking on two legs.