church is for sinners

dear Jesus,

I'm sorry that I wrote on my Sin-to-be-washed-away Rock:
"I want to be a wizard."

Church just brings out the worst in me.

But I still love you. And I hope you still love us.
j.

ps. thank you for the cute guy who sat in front of us.

that's what she said.

brittany may have been right when she made me do a practice run. "if you can't do it here, then there's no way we're driving to niagara falls just so you can't do it there," she said.

...Dream Crusher.

step aside Old Yeller

i smell like puppy right now because i had a puppy sleeping on me all afternoon. it's like the best drug in the world, puppies. i think i'm addicted and there's no way you're taking me to rehab.

i tried to get my dad to admit he loves the puppy more than he loves human babies, but he wouldn't say it out loud.

what is, nerd?

Both she and Alex share a love for random facts as well as belittling people.

dear blog,

we're sorry we've neglected you. it's not your fault. it's just that things have been tough, bloggy. and we've got extra mouths to feed. no, blog, we didn't adopt - i'm talking about our own mouths. we've been really really hungry this winter. and then i had to go and watch The Happening, which was a big letdown. all that excitement and for what?! mark wahlberg - i LOVED you...loved... it's like Planet of the Apes all over again. then there was Cutler. we shall henceforth refer to him as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. anyways.

i'm writing to you, blog, because i want you to know that we're coming back. we're going to cuddle and play chuckle belly and watch reruns of The Cosby Show like it'll be outlawed tomorrow! we want you to know, blog, that we never really left. not in our hearts anyways.

sincerely,

us

ow

Who knew 6 hours in the Glenwood sun would lead to severe burns?  Not these two suckers.

don't ever leave us

what will the world be like without Alex Trebek?

A lot less snooty, that's for sure.

get out

have fun being a BEAR,

ya dumb bastard.

what a guy!

happy birthday, murderer.

cats on leashes just look silly, and pissed.

I just feel if our national bird was the turkey we would all have to look like this.  

Remember when Coca-Cola had cocaine in it?  

Crazy

war effort

when brittany says, "I don't have any children," what she's really saying is: "What happened in Nam stays in Nam, man."

and when she says, "I don't date Asians."

she's really saying: "Not anymore, anyways."

Why we will never have buns of steel:

just sitting in our kitchen begging to be eaten

for reals

Why buy the cow?

Because we go through 2 gallons a WEEK.

My favorite part of SuperBowl XLIII?

when ol' bruce slid across the stage and his crotch hit the camera.

they're turning blue...

i'd like to revisit my pre-season projections for the nuggets, if i may, and add some comments because they are winning, i guess. nobody really cares ...


Currently, I rank the Nuggs as follows:

Nene: my favorite. Why? Because he’s the fattest on the team, weighing in at 250 pounds. You have to respect that.
Melo: like a little 6'8" baby. precious.
Camby: never heard of him, never want to.
JR: secret weapon of mass destruction
Chris Anderson: Babe.
AI: old weapon. his rows look better than melo’s. But armband shows a sign of weakness.
Kmart: should not affiliate himself with a poor-man’s walmart.
Kleiza: didn’t play for America, shouldn’t play IN America.

My ideas for this season...

Take a page from the Rockies’ playbook: do really really good this season. Make it to the final round. After this, never have to worry about doing good ever again because people have a general appreciation for 2nd place.

Enough with this “dribbling” crap. What a waste of time. Flying is the answer. Mark my words.

Also, I’d like to bring up the most under-appreciated of shots: Half court. Think of the time and energy this would save. We wouldn’t even need to play offense, so that takes care of half our problem. As for defense... maybe we could start laying down on the ground, creating a landmine of live bodies. Try scoring when you have Camby under you.

Carmelo’s rows should have secret play and/or obscenities braided into them.

Flubber. We all saw the movie.

What is it that Coach Karl is always sucking on? My guess is watermelon jolly rancher.

John Elway’s return to basketball will be the greatest gift in NBA history.

Ice cream social at half-time.

Instead of mouth guards, have those fake vampire teeth.

Team members should have to memorize at least three John Denver songs to prove loyalty to state.

Bring back the short shorts – less chaffing (if I’m understanding the issue correctly).

Unofficial mascot? Steve Hess.

Melo should be allowed to wear his Olympic gold medal during gametime. Not only for bragging rights and intimidation, but also simply because it looks pretty.

All games to be played shirts/skins. This rule should have been implemented long, long ago. Why I’m the first to write an official proposal is beyond me.

Throw gold nuggets into the crowd, but make sure the majority gets to the top seats because that’s where the drunk, poor guys sit (yours truly).

Pre-game tickle fights.

Most importantly, box out and get more hands into the cookie jar. [end]


UPDATE: I like to think the nugget's winning record is due to my suggestions. Also, it should be noted that melo shaved his rows and is even more precious. and AI is dead to us - welcome home, chauncy.




Remember sinbad? what a chump.

no one knows

Her wide range of dudes she has crushes on is what separates julie from the rest of humanity.  just take a stroll through this blog.  Bela Karoli to that kid in Bridge to Terabithia to Michael Flatley.  It's anyone's guess who she thinks is a babe.  i don't blame her about the Terabithia kid though.

For the Antioxidants

You know it's good when it gets that 3 chefs award and when it can last for months.  I also like how I'm allowed to drink it out of a wine glass or a plastic cup.

don't call him Trey

Recently, our fun level spiked drastically after a period of mediocrity as can be seen in the graph, nah: What caused this blessed change of events?
Just a man named Jay H. Hardy III.

Those eyes.
That hairline.
His love for those little cartons of milk.
Jesus. We're sorry we ever threatened to take his life and end it.

Well, Jay... The army may not want you and your kidney stones, but we sure do.

where's julie, brittany?

bad things happen when bab leaves me home alone. robbers come in the form of Denver Post solicitors and i get duped into paying $25 for 13 weeks of paper we'll never read and a book of coupons we'll now be forced to use so that it won't be the biggest waste of money i ever spent. what happens tomorrow when i get offered crack from the scary old man that lives below? god knows i can't protect myself.

i'm like brittany's very own Arnie... whelp, i'm off to climb the water tower.

please forgive this

remember how everyone is SO glad that jesse mccartney is older and has better songs so it's not so inappropriate to close your eyes when you think about him?

oh. just me then?

He's a babe!

yeeeeeeeeees.

esCAHpay

After exiting the building where the sign TOLD us we could, Julie and I found ourselves in a Shawshank type situation. Fences everywhere, doors with no handles, and giant dirt mounds dared us to escape. We followed our instincts and after we realized that we could not climb Mt. Dirt, we followed our second instincts. We mastered the not so tall wall, walked the sides of a cement ramp and jumped the fence. Sweet Freedom!

mayhem

look, when we say we're good at racquetball, we don't mean "yeah, we can hit the ball."


what we mean to say is, "you know King Kong? it's like that... EXACTLY like that."

total domination, if you will.

skunked again

Julie's sister tends to lie and Julie's always taking the bait.  Like when Amy said the trunk was sitting outside under the canoe.  It worked again.  

I think it is noteworthy that JAN's family was once literally skunked.  Legend has it, her teacher walked around the classroom hunting for the stink until she got to Julie and then promptly quit the search.  I hope that lady learned a lesson in manners.

Racquetball is the only sport in which you can be looking straight at the ball and it hits you in the back of the head

All it takes is a swift hit of the ball and a quick dodge to make someone go into a laughing fit. Too bad it didn't make her pull a hammy resulting in a win or two on this side of the court.

a lesson in comedic timing

One time i made a joke about wishing i was at my grandfather's funeral. The joke was medium to good. A few monthes later the funeral came to pass, and the joke became borderline hilarious.

It's all about timing.

And having a grandfather who you were afraid of and who didn't let you play with his new puppy.

didn't all 9-year-old girls?

I used to think he was a babe. I did. so sue me.

what would batman do?

i got this goldfish keychain in my stocking that doubles as a high-intensity flashlight. i tricked bab into blinding herself with it once and i have gone on to blind her with it by my own hands. it's really funny. but mean. i won't do it any more. detached retinas aren't as funny as the trickery or tragic event that leads to it. plus, it's not very ladylike.

So Long Mike

What!?  Mike Shanahan fired!?  Sure, the Broncos really sucked it up the past few years.  But we never blamed the suck on Mike!  With his buggy eyes and calm cool collected attitude and ballsiness.  We just always blamed it on witchcraft or some other worldly power.  Well jeez, Mike, we hate to say goodbye.

Maybe they'll hire Mike Ditka next.

we're offended

why do we have to bring this sign to every indoor sporting event we attend?

because of that one time...

this one time i got all tiffy because jan took my fancy pens out of their color coded order and i made her color code them again.  i'm pretty sure they're in the exact same order as before.  now that's a lady who studied her primary colors.

A New Car!

I say if taxpayers have to bail out the auto companies, they should give us each a new car.

Here's Julie's pick. A sensible one, no doubt.

hello, tiny one.

If i ever abduct a small child, it'll be this kid.
For two reasons:

1) he only weighs 17 lbs.
2) he has the same best friend as me

Julie had to swallow her pride

 and a pencil stub last night on a dare.

he answered her call

JAN did this bird call once in the apartment.  I would say it went something like "whipper-whill, whipper-will!"  

And out of nowhere, in came an answer to her song.  If I remember right it was "kwa-loo!"  

this could be JAN's future, sittin in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g

Now I'm still a newbie at the bird call thing but if I'm correct, because of their fateful calls, Julie procured a mate for life!  My guess is he lives directly below us or below and to the left.  So now we just have to make sure it isn't that old guy.

a christmas miracle.

Long story short, one time my mom let me pet a cat that had ringworm.
A week later I lost peripheral vison in my left eye.
I became scared and hungry.
Luckily, I was sitting next to a plate of bab's mom's deviled eggs.
I ate one.
And I got my vision back.
That egg was filled with some devilly goodness,
for which I thank God every night during my bedtime prayers.

quit busting our balls, world.

if it didn't take so much effort, we'd dig a hole, lay down in it,

and die. maybe we'll just go lay in a ditch somewhere and hope a combination of erosion, windshifts, and Mother Nature will do the job. that'll probably be what happens.

she was robbed

JAN's bike was stolen Monday and it was really a loss for the whole town.  Because she lit up the place when she rode around on that silver wonder.  She installed the basked that may or may not still be on the handle bars.  So if you see a shady looking person riding a shiny, cadillac of a bicycle throw a stick in the spokes.  

it looks a little bit like this one, but comfier perhaps

i believe...

that being a college student means you can wear the same pair of socks 2 days in a row. 

Could he have been any cooler?

Yeah.

Here's how:

julie steals

she took a dime from my floor. 

HAIL!

Pumpkin Pie Blizzards are the best.

I'm voting it for President.

Someone Call Child Services

Dee Wallace is a bad mom who allows her children to face RABID dogs and Aliens.

It won an Oscar. for Best Game Ever Created.

last night we invented a game called "Agent Michael Scarn"
Rules:

1. beer shot every time you see Stanley
2. only allowed to eat popcorn if you throw it in the air and catch it in your mouth

the game also involved daring brittany to eat stuff I found on the floor.

.

play it with your children. you won't be disappointed.