go back to your shanties

[poor dad was just trying to watch tv]

Sister: "Golf?"
Dad: "It's the Masters."
Mom: "Whatcha watchin? Golf?"
Dad: "It's The Masters."
Me: "Hey guys. Golf!?"
Dad: "It's not golf, it's The Masters!"

girls just don't get it, i guess.

It's a Nut Cruncher!

Why did the whole scene have to go down with two old guys listening and one little lady loudly saying inappropriate things?  Cupboard, you should think a little more about supplying us with goods that are family friendly to say and a little less about fine china for babies.

what the heck is that thing?

all that urine wasted on plain ol' Utah

The four courners ain’t the four corners. Many years ago Bab and I visited the fake four corners. If I had a time machine, I'd go back to the day we said, "Let's go to the four corners!" and I'd shake my head and say to us, "Don't be so lame."

The Firefly

When warming up for a vigorous exercise it's always a good idea to do something like firefeet to get your muscles in gear.  We put a fancy little spin on things by making it into a dance - the Firefly.  You hop around and gracefully move about.  The two guys waiting for the racquetball court can attest to Julie's Firefly skills.  

say it's the Best Blog in the World, or we'll eat your soul

we have acquired another follower.

she took the oath and passed the urine test.

the Great Leader will reward us for this.

i'm a person, not a seal, ok?

Leave it to Bab’s family to throw me to the lions. I told them NEVER to mention my adoration for a particular uncle to THE particular uncle, but I believe that through a series of hand gestures and devious winking, said uncle received the classified information this day. With all that talk about his “broken hip,” and his “inability to feel any pain,” I didn’t stand a chance in this game where my heart was merely a pawn to be forced to the line of scrimmage, then sacrificed. And what was with the prolonged, detailed descriptions (with exaggerated gestures) of his intensive stretching sessions with his sensei? Please. It reeked of conspiracy. It’s like they didn’t want me to eat my $15 worth of Italian buffet but instead were saying, “feast on this,” as they all watched me watching uncle who caught me looking on numerous occasions. Don’t even get me started on the extended embrace goodbye. You knew my weakness and you punched it repeatedly. Cruel, heartless hyenas.

"look alive, julie!"
"hey..."
"what were you doing?!"
"i was thinking."

I can't feel my feet.

I just ate a giant piece of Easter cake covered in frosting, it was delicious.  If you need me, I'll be on the couch, in a diabetic coma.

no children, that bunny isn't full of carrots

one time my cousins had these two rabbits that they never fed and then one day they went out to the cage and there was only one rabbit. an evil rabbit. that had eaten the less resourceful rabbit.
and my cousins were never allowed to get Easter bunnies from the state fair ever again.

the end.

my very own hagrid

I don’t know how many times I have to ask Julie to stop playing card games in shady joints where some dude in a hooded cloak bets a dragon egg.  She either needs to start losing those games or raise her own dragons.

Is it summer time yet?  Because I could really go for some watermelon.

put the Stakeout in the stocks!

we're staking out the Stakeout tonight. be warned to all who enter and exit the Stankout your face could find itself in an all out war with rotten turnips as we express our dislike for the Stinkout by hurtling the ripe contents of our fridge in protest. maybe next time the ol' bartender will check his attitude.

need sleepy

Just because somebody slept - quite literally - all weekend, often for 6-8 hour intervals, doesn't mean there's something wrong with that person. It means I'm tired. Also, just because you find me facedown in the backyard doesn't mean I'm dead. So quit poking me "Just to be sure."
Remember that one guy that was dead near the top of Everest and they knew he was dead because the sherpa had poked him in the EYE "just to be sure" but it turns out that the dude was alive afterall? Of course you remember because when you heard about it you were like, "I'd give anything to have a sherpa." Let that guy teach you a lesson: poking is an ineffective Dead Person Detector, so don't start rolling me into a hole and covering me with dirt if I appear unresponsive to a single prod. Be a good man and check for a pulse, common courtesy.

church is for sinners

dear Jesus,

I'm sorry that I wrote on my Sin-to-be-washed-away Rock:
"I want to be a wizard."

Church just brings out the worst in me.

But I still love you. And I hope you still love us.
j.

ps. thank you for the cute guy who sat in front of us.

that's what she said.

brittany may have been right when she made me do a practice run. "if you can't do it here, then there's no way we're driving to niagara falls just so you can't do it there," she said.

...Dream Crusher.

step aside Old Yeller

i smell like puppy right now because i had a puppy sleeping on me all afternoon. it's like the best drug in the world, puppies. i think i'm addicted and there's no way you're taking me to rehab.

i tried to get my dad to admit he loves the puppy more than he loves human babies, but he wouldn't say it out loud.

what is, nerd?

Both she and Alex share a love for random facts as well as belittling people.

dear blog,

we're sorry we've neglected you. it's not your fault. it's just that things have been tough, bloggy. and we've got extra mouths to feed. no, blog, we didn't adopt - i'm talking about our own mouths. we've been really really hungry this winter. and then i had to go and watch The Happening, which was a big letdown. all that excitement and for what?! mark wahlberg - i LOVED you...loved... it's like Planet of the Apes all over again. then there was Cutler. we shall henceforth refer to him as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. anyways.

i'm writing to you, blog, because i want you to know that we're coming back. we're going to cuddle and play chuckle belly and watch reruns of The Cosby Show like it'll be outlawed tomorrow! we want you to know, blog, that we never really left. not in our hearts anyways.

sincerely,

us

ow

Who knew 6 hours in the Glenwood sun would lead to severe burns?  Not these two suckers.

don't ever leave us

what will the world be like without Alex Trebek?

A lot less snooty, that's for sure.

get out

have fun being a BEAR,

ya dumb bastard.

what a guy!

happy birthday, murderer.

cats on leashes just look silly, and pissed.

I just feel if our national bird was the turkey we would all have to look like this.  

Remember when Coca-Cola had cocaine in it?  

Crazy

war effort

when brittany says, "I don't have any children," what she's really saying is: "What happened in Nam stays in Nam, man."

and when she says, "I don't date Asians."

she's really saying: "Not anymore, anyways."

Why we will never have buns of steel:

just sitting in our kitchen begging to be eaten

for reals

Why buy the cow?

Because we go through 2 gallons a WEEK.

My favorite part of SuperBowl XLIII?

when ol' bruce slid across the stage and his crotch hit the camera.

they're turning blue...

i'd like to revisit my pre-season projections for the nuggets, if i may, and add some comments because they are winning, i guess. nobody really cares ...


Currently, I rank the Nuggs as follows:

Nene: my favorite. Why? Because he’s the fattest on the team, weighing in at 250 pounds. You have to respect that.
Melo: like a little 6'8" baby. precious.
Camby: never heard of him, never want to.
JR: secret weapon of mass destruction
Chris Anderson: Babe.
AI: old weapon. his rows look better than melo’s. But armband shows a sign of weakness.
Kmart: should not affiliate himself with a poor-man’s walmart.
Kleiza: didn’t play for America, shouldn’t play IN America.

My ideas for this season...

Take a page from the Rockies’ playbook: do really really good this season. Make it to the final round. After this, never have to worry about doing good ever again because people have a general appreciation for 2nd place.

Enough with this “dribbling” crap. What a waste of time. Flying is the answer. Mark my words.

Also, I’d like to bring up the most under-appreciated of shots: Half court. Think of the time and energy this would save. We wouldn’t even need to play offense, so that takes care of half our problem. As for defense... maybe we could start laying down on the ground, creating a landmine of live bodies. Try scoring when you have Camby under you.

Carmelo’s rows should have secret play and/or obscenities braided into them.

Flubber. We all saw the movie.

What is it that Coach Karl is always sucking on? My guess is watermelon jolly rancher.

John Elway’s return to basketball will be the greatest gift in NBA history.

Ice cream social at half-time.

Instead of mouth guards, have those fake vampire teeth.

Team members should have to memorize at least three John Denver songs to prove loyalty to state.

Bring back the short shorts – less chaffing (if I’m understanding the issue correctly).

Unofficial mascot? Steve Hess.

Melo should be allowed to wear his Olympic gold medal during gametime. Not only for bragging rights and intimidation, but also simply because it looks pretty.

All games to be played shirts/skins. This rule should have been implemented long, long ago. Why I’m the first to write an official proposal is beyond me.

Throw gold nuggets into the crowd, but make sure the majority gets to the top seats because that’s where the drunk, poor guys sit (yours truly).

Pre-game tickle fights.

Most importantly, box out and get more hands into the cookie jar. [end]


UPDATE: I like to think the nugget's winning record is due to my suggestions. Also, it should be noted that melo shaved his rows and is even more precious. and AI is dead to us - welcome home, chauncy.




Remember sinbad? what a chump.

no one knows

Her wide range of dudes she has crushes on is what separates julie from the rest of humanity.  just take a stroll through this blog.  Bela Karoli to that kid in Bridge to Terabithia to Michael Flatley.  It's anyone's guess who she thinks is a babe.  i don't blame her about the Terabithia kid though.

For the Antioxidants

You know it's good when it gets that 3 chefs award and when it can last for months.  I also like how I'm allowed to drink it out of a wine glass or a plastic cup.

don't call him Trey

Recently, our fun level spiked drastically after a period of mediocrity as can be seen in the graph, nah: What caused this blessed change of events?
Just a man named Jay H. Hardy III.

Those eyes.
That hairline.
His love for those little cartons of milk.
Jesus. We're sorry we ever threatened to take his life and end it.

Well, Jay... The army may not want you and your kidney stones, but we sure do.

where's julie, brittany?

bad things happen when bab leaves me home alone. robbers come in the form of Denver Post solicitors and i get duped into paying $25 for 13 weeks of paper we'll never read and a book of coupons we'll now be forced to use so that it won't be the biggest waste of money i ever spent. what happens tomorrow when i get offered crack from the scary old man that lives below? god knows i can't protect myself.

i'm like brittany's very own Arnie... whelp, i'm off to climb the water tower.

please forgive this

remember how everyone is SO glad that jesse mccartney is older and has better songs so it's not so inappropriate to close your eyes when you think about him?

oh. just me then?

He's a babe!

yeeeeeeeeees.

esCAHpay

After exiting the building where the sign TOLD us we could, Julie and I found ourselves in a Shawshank type situation. Fences everywhere, doors with no handles, and giant dirt mounds dared us to escape. We followed our instincts and after we realized that we could not climb Mt. Dirt, we followed our second instincts. We mastered the not so tall wall, walked the sides of a cement ramp and jumped the fence. Sweet Freedom!

mayhem

look, when we say we're good at racquetball, we don't mean "yeah, we can hit the ball."


what we mean to say is, "you know King Kong? it's like that... EXACTLY like that."

total domination, if you will.

skunked again

Julie's sister tends to lie and Julie's always taking the bait.  Like when Amy said the trunk was sitting outside under the canoe.  It worked again.  

I think it is noteworthy that JAN's family was once literally skunked.  Legend has it, her teacher walked around the classroom hunting for the stink until she got to Julie and then promptly quit the search.  I hope that lady learned a lesson in manners.

Racquetball is the only sport in which you can be looking straight at the ball and it hits you in the back of the head

All it takes is a swift hit of the ball and a quick dodge to make someone go into a laughing fit. Too bad it didn't make her pull a hammy resulting in a win or two on this side of the court.

a lesson in comedic timing

One time i made a joke about wishing i was at my grandfather's funeral. The joke was medium to good. A few monthes later the funeral came to pass, and the joke became borderline hilarious.

It's all about timing.

And having a grandfather who you were afraid of and who didn't let you play with his new puppy.

didn't all 9-year-old girls?

I used to think he was a babe. I did. so sue me.

what would batman do?

i got this goldfish keychain in my stocking that doubles as a high-intensity flashlight. i tricked bab into blinding herself with it once and i have gone on to blind her with it by my own hands. it's really funny. but mean. i won't do it any more. detached retinas aren't as funny as the trickery or tragic event that leads to it. plus, it's not very ladylike.

So Long Mike

What!?  Mike Shanahan fired!?  Sure, the Broncos really sucked it up the past few years.  But we never blamed the suck on Mike!  With his buggy eyes and calm cool collected attitude and ballsiness.  We just always blamed it on witchcraft or some other worldly power.  Well jeez, Mike, we hate to say goodbye.

Maybe they'll hire Mike Ditka next.