5.03.2017

Waiting around in a parking lot

"Want a pretzel?"
"Are those from the floor of the car?"
"Yeah, but I just spilled them there this morning."
[He takes & eats pretzel]


4.19.2017

Cheese block

Cheddar in a home that only houses two 56 year old people.  

My new roommate, Jeff.

I like to call him "sugar baby" because it's not annoying.
And I like him because he once woke up with a candy wrapper stuck to his back.  

Nelson 4 Prez


4.17.2017

Easter

When you have your own mountain
you have your own Easter sunrise service
immediately followed by
eggo waffles.

4.14.2017

"What you are about to do, do quickly."

Did Judas go to heaven?
No! Well, betrayal isn't the same 
as lack of faith. So... maybe. 
hope Judas is in heaven.
Yeah, me too.



4.07.2017

"I'm gonna slip you a little Gil between your Boggs!" - ballet director Gil Boggs

It was supposed to be
The Little Mermaid Ballet
based on Hans Christian Andersen's 
tale of woe. 
What it was? 
Offbroadway Disney on ice, 
no ice, no skates.
From the mind of director Gil Boggs,
who also narrated the whole 
dismal plot, was a "ballet."
I haven't laughed that hard in a long long time.

"Oh look, a sea cucumber!" 
-  3 drinks Noil


"I don't know, Gil. This seems an aweful lot like a Disney version knockoff..."
"No! It's the Gil Twist!" 
- 4 drinks Bab

4.04.2017

New neighborhood views on my morning drive to work

Yesterday.

And, today.

Mountain livin' be trippin'.

3.31.2017

Zen

Sometimes lunchtime "pregnancy yoga" is when you nap under your desk & feel your bebé doin' kickies.

3.24.2017

The monkey's your uncle.

Remember how sometimes you fall asleep but jolt-freak yourself awake because you feel like you are falling & some scientists believe that's because your evolved cells are remembering back to a time when you were a monkey & were falling out of a tree?

BaaaaaaHAHAHA!

Good one, "science."

But, how do you explain my lack of instinct to fling my own poop when I am mad?

3.23.2017

Yore


"I can't believe there's a baby 
in your belly.
Remember in Iceland,
when that's all we wanted?"
"Yes."

3.20.2017

Gotta love me!

21 weeks! Baby takes a little sip of the bathtub water (amniotic fluid) every day, just to practice swallowing! I can feel when it kicks and somersaults and curls up in a ball. I am in love thinking of Baby just hangin out in there, all like:

3.14.2017

Yup

"That Disney movie where Robin Hood is a fox. When you were little, did you think he was handsome? And then, like, your crotch gets a headache?"
- Kimmy Schmidt

3.13.2017

Same dude, everybody.

We were shocked that we had to explain this to Toni B (being that he's her most favorite actor out there).
Might I add that he is a Babe.



Her paraphrased words, "You have to see Marigold Hotel and, just remember, it is beauuutifull."

Meet Don Cheagle

My would-be chihuahua-beagle mix.

3.10.2017

I went home sick because my sinus pressure is making my teeth hurt & theraflu is off limits when you have a tiny human in your belly.

"Bob Ross, he was my uncle."
"Bullshit."
[- 1996 conversation with 5th grade classmate whose uncle very well could have been Bob Ross, but I wasn't about to be hearin' any of that jazz.]

3.09.2017

You're lucky I'm already pregnant.

Teej,
Remember last night
when it was bedtime
but you let us stay up late
to watch videos 
of the baby
 pygmy hippo?
I was so in love with you
& the way you giggled
when it walked or laid down or
ate hay
& confessed to me,
"It's TOO cute."
sigh, 
j.


3.08.2017

Birthdayz

By a wonderful turn of events wherein Bab's boyfriend gets the exact day of her birth wrong, I got to spend the for-real birth day with Bab yet again! 10 years running. Like Dwayne The Rock Johnson, true love can't stop won't stop.
Happy Birthday, Beebz! Thanks for letting me sip your boozy drink.

3.03.2017

Geedub

If the world seems a little much right now, just know that somewhere out there GW is painting portraits. And they are quite wonderful.

He was an idiot sometimes,
but he wasn't a trumpeting asshole.

2.23.2017

Road trip experiences

"If there's anything  people want it's to have their car washed by bunch of aggressive 8th grade boys."
- Brent

2.01.2017

Summah

Do you remember how sometimes it stay warm & shiney until like 9pm & all the trees are covered in green & the geese are done pooping on everything?

What's that called again?

1.28.2017

Now I get why someone knew that a show about an office would be so silly.

This fountain is supposed to help us all chillax and help buffer noise, however the office is turning into more of a Chinese restaurant than a law firm.

video


But we DO support receiving a wonton or eggroll complimentary with a Will.


Banned for life


"So you think Dad will ever let you get a Christmas tree for him again?"

No way, dude did not love the Charlie Brown.

Cultured swine

More like Blah Blah Land.



Gene Kelley and Debbie Reynolds would have NEVER approved of this one-melodied tapa tapa.


1.27.2017

Easier than a wall

Just make soccer illegal, Donald.

1.26.2017

FLOTUS




... more like FLILF,
amiright America?

1.25.2017

Johnboy

I love this man.
And not just because 
he bought me icedream.
Although, that didn't hurt.

Hoochie

Gurl was not as cute
standing by my bedside
at 1:30 this morning.
I should have suspected 
something was up
when she couldn't get enough
bedtime noogies.

Why doesn't she wake TJ up
for the exciting sprint to the backdoor?

1.23.2017

100% Cotton. Yo mama picked it.

What the heck are these
soft little things?
I don't know but I feel
a strong compulsion to
collect all of them.

1.21.2017

Trump that


Sometimes the country you live in
goes a little batshit insane
& you feel depressed &
like you just burp-vomitted...

but then your baby waves at you
from inside the womb
while
keeping its back to you like 
a chill little mofo
& you remember 
life is good. Real good.



1.13.2017

Later, Tater

I dreamed last night Ol'Bama was on the phone and I had one last tater-tot on my plate. I held it up, waggled it between two fingers, pointed to the tot then to him then back to the tot. He smiled, catching my drift.
Siiiiigh.

Barry, the world is gonna miss you.


1.06.2017

What dat bebé gonna look like?

I hope if I get cravings
it's for something cheap,
like used dryer sheets.

12.19.2016

JAN practicing to be a mom.


Making ham sandwiches for 6 people.

She's going to be so great!

12.08.2016

Find the drunky

Believe it or not, this night
ended a little rough for poor Beebs.
I feel guilty only because I was DD &
let her fly as high as she felt she could go.
In the end,
the evidence of our combined failures
was eaten by a dog.

12.06.2016

The best stockings


One of a kind &
they hang above my fireplace &
I am always so sad when 
I have to take them down
in February.

12.03.2016

Kaiser

Sorry folks, but I must always be in the safest seat in the car, most fire-escapable spot in the room, eat the freshest food in the fridge, and ride only the most maintained of rollercoasters because I'm on the bronze plan.



That's a $5,500 deductible and absolutely no name-brand drugs.

The Shallows

"This movie took a whole day to film."

12.02.2016

The Last Unicorn

I cried infront of my boss yesterday.
Right as he was telling me he was  pleased with how I handled a situation with a crazy coworker. "I am proud how you composed your thoughts & argument. Three years ago you would have been in my office crying."

Whelp! At least I wiped my snot on my own sleeve.


12.01.2016

December 1


Fear not, for behold! I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

It's Christmastime & I can barely
contain my excitement, oh em gee!!

11.30.2016

Oh, Mittens, how could you? And for what, a plate of scallops?

That's the face every woman knows well... the face you make after you've allowed a man to put a dick in your mouth for the first time.

Nice, Mitt. Get used to ashamedly crawling under tables while your food gets cold.

11.29.2016

A hole.

TJ: I saw this, this weekend live on the youtubes. Heh.

Julie: Is this what you were doing when I was helping your grandmother change her diaper?

TJ: 

11.21.2016

It's become important to establish independence

but then you get slapped with a case of the stomach flu and beg your mom to take care of you all weekend.
there's always hope for next week.

11.17.2016

What day is it?

"This Thursday Trump went to the White House and showed us how brave he is by meeting face-to-face with the man who founded ISIS."