4.30.2011

GERD - Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease

As in, "GERD runs in the family."
and I'm thinking, "Now that's a word I never want to hear again."

4.29.2011

Weiner in the corner!

last time jan and i played racquetball, i was reminded of the hardest part of the game:

trying to not pee mah pants.

Yayco: Your ride is here.

Come to the Triple DHip (DH, as in Down Hill. sorry bab and i didn't understand this for so long and mocked it so hard) and get your button designed by yours truly, appraised by Bab, funded/face-modeled by TJ!!

Things are happening.

4.28.2011

All girls are princesses. But some girls are REAL princesses.

When I was a pre-teen I asked for a poster of J.T.T. My mom came back with two posters: one I wanted and one I looked at and said, "Who's that?" It was a young Prince William and it hung in my room for a few years. And I hated it. Everytime a friend would come over, they'd ask me who the H it was and I'd mumble, "British royalty." Then one year I realized I didn't have to keep ol' Toothful Willy on my wall, and he was taken down (one of my few revolts) .  That's my story about Prince William and how I never really liked him.

 
I'm sure tomorrow my mom's secret dream of becoming a princess will be crushed. 

Freshman

"Ms. N, people from 2nd hour told us you told them you hate us."
"I didn't say I hated you. I said you guys are the worst."
"Why are we the worst?"
"Because! You guys are so bad. I always have to tell you to be quiet. AND you guys are always drawing wieners on my board."
[rogue laughter ensues]

4.26.2011

Growing an avocado tree from a pitt

Meet Brad.

Truth is, we didn't succeed.  But I never forgot about him, or the silly name proffered by JAN which took me days to "get."

4.25.2011

Why was I highly suspect when you brought me the opened gatorade?

Because I saw that 20/20 murder mystery about the one guy who was slowly but surely poisoning his wife. And how did he do it? By convincing her she was feeling so shitty because her electrolytes were low, so of course she should drink another refreshing gatorade laced with antifreeze. Little known fact: antifreeze has a sweet flavor. So if it was in your blue gatorade, you'd never really know until your neighbors found you eating pebbles from the gutter, as a result of brain erosion.

I wonder how many women these guys plan on killing.
Ah, yes.
Ninety.

4.23.2011

"Orang" meaning 'man,' "Hutan" meaning 'of the forest'

Get out your 3D glasses and a box of tissues, because the day is finally here!

Take us away, Morgan Freeman.

4.22.2011

and what have YOU done for the earth today?

saving the world, one turtle at a time.

4.21.2011

Yogurtland!

He took me there and didn't comment on how my bowl was much heavier than his.

4.20.2011

Queen Centaury of the Sonoran

There's some sort of children's war going on outside my house.  And I want in.

I'll pretend I'm a desert warlord riding in on a camel carrying an Uzi in each arm.  After I shoot 'em down I'll yell, "I DARE ya to follow me into this dust bowl! HA!"
Hopefully someone's mom will invite me in for dinner, cause lord knows I can't take care of myself.

4.18.2011

Citation: Unsafe Backing



When my best friend comes to visit, I go renegade.  Like backing up without looking.

Bump.

"Did I hit somebody?"
"Heh!  We're both thinking the same thing."

"With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility." -Spiderman's Uncle

My landlord called and told me to, "Turn the metal handle in your laundry room 90 degrees to ON.  This will turn on the water to the sprinkler system.  But don't turn a different one to OFF because it'll turn off the water for the entire building."

This conversation meant 2 things to me.
#1 I shall give life to the ground cover
and
#2 Great April Fool's prank in my back pocket

So God be with you, Grass.  I implore you to Grow!

4.17.2011

Brittany's mom says Simon is crap without Garfunkel

I used to think Art was super tall. Maybe the tallest man in the world. But don't be fooled. Paul is a shrimp. Borderline midget. According to wikipedia answers "Paul is 5 feet, two inches, or 1.5 meters tall. While not techincally a dwarf, he is still very short."
      And you know when guys say how tall they are, or are discussing measurements in general, you can can safely subtract 2" and get a more accurate calculation. It's science. I believe it's called Third Leg Inaccuracy Postulate and the equation is something like c=3(Li-2).

"Uggghah?"

One time I did a perfect Tim the toolman Taylor grunt. And I haven't been able to replicate it since.

Pity.

4.16.2011

They LOVE the Rockies.

and that's why we love baseball season. 
adorable.

Tilikum. The true killer whale.

"Did you hear the whale that killed its trainer at sea world is back in showbiz?"
"I don't know why we're laughing."

4.13.2011

in the name of all that is good and decent, no more for today.

The best part about the end of the school year is all the slackers who finally decide they want to feign interest in bringing up their grades. I enjoy when I'm giving them the list of their missing assignments, due 2 months ago, and their eyes glaze over because there are too many usually dormant synapses firing and the brain mistakenly thinks it's being electrocuted. And I ask if they give a shit and they say, "Uh. Oh. What? Yeah." Parent emails showing inability to add multiple zeros resulting in a total of zero, as in "your child has earned zero points because their work is non-existent," well, those emails explain a lot about the child and warm the heart. When students ask how they can get their grade up, all you really want to tell them is to "Take the 'f' out of 'way.'"

It could be worse, I suppose. I could be teaching these kids:

And always be having to pull ninja stars out of my back, or employing the tai otoshi every m.f.n. second.
or, I could be teaching someone like this guy:
Although, I do have one student that is close as they come to this without the drugs, and one day I left my computer on while he was alone in the room. When I came back I said, "Hey! you didn't snoop through my stuff, did ya?" And he said, "Yeah. I changed my grade. To a HIGH F." Now THAT is both funny and adorable.
("But Ms. N... there is no f in way." "Grin and nod.")

4.10.2011

Been missing Europe and my friend.

 Hey Bab, whadja wish for on that bridge?

4.09.2011

it was like that little boy from The Incredibles

Me, a sweaty out-of-breath lady. 
On his toy motorcycle, little precious boy.

I jog by and wave as he waits in his driveway.
He smiles and waves back.
Then I hear rapid pedaling behind me and he’s riding his motorcycle beside me.
“That’s a pretty fast bike you got there, dude.”
“Yeah, and that’s without even pushing the pedal!”
Then he pushes the pedal and the pretend miniature motorcycle turns in to an actual motorcycle.
He zips down the highway sidewalk and I want to shout out, “Where’s your helmet, fella?!”
But I don’t and he’s already headed back my way.
He pulls over in another driveway to wait for me and I ask him, “Hey, do you have a license?!”
And be damned if he didn’t give a good laugh and ride off.

Shit, kid. If you were 20 years older and that bike was 5x bigger... I’d probably be too scared to talk to you.

I could guess, but I'm not sure how it keeps getting in my mouth. [no, that's not what she said].

More times than is probably healthy, I've asked myself, "What's that funky taste?"
and it takes me a moment before I recall,
"Oh yeah. My deodorant."

4.08.2011

Those aren't my teeth marks.

I found this.
And I ate it.

4.06.2011

Thanks, Liz Lemon, for reminding me that if I'm choking, I have to save me.



I move into my own apartment this weekend!

I think I'm most excited to make bread and watch Shrek without anybody barging in and judging me.

4.04.2011

diabolical plots

Sometimes I think about what it takes to be an older sibling.  It requires special moments, like convincing your kid sister to tie one end of a string to her loose tooth and the other to the doorknob then slamming the door shut, which does not always extract the tooth.

I wonder if Julie would be tricksy enough to pull similar feats.  Then she Dares me to drink a day old coke from McDonald's and I am reminded why she was not chosen to be the eldest of her brood, because I was gonna drink that coke anyway.

4.03.2011

Do yourself a favor

and avoid driving under the bridge on Sante Fe. Why? Because it scored a score of 20. Which doesn't sound that bad. Until I explain the rating system and tell you a quality bridge scores a score around 100.

Speaking of bridges, man did I love that show and the gentleman on the left.

grandpa john

One April fool's morning he told us there was a box of puppies in the basement. So we barreled down the steep steps and found an empty shoe box. And we were all confused and searched around for our puppies on the lam. We climbed back up to the kitchen, a gang of peejay clad fools, all like,
 "Uh, where are our puppies, grandpa?"
Good one, man.