"The whole idea of people plugging into an energy grid is just crazy to me."


"Probably not" = "only if something goes horribly wrong in my life"

"Ms. N, will you be here next year?"
"Uh, probably not."
"What?! That sucks!"
"Yeah, there aren't any jobs, man."
"We'll start a facebook thing to keep you. That's how stuff gets done these days."


Come again?

You're telling me that there was a forest fire over Spring Break that almost burned down the school?! That literally almost answered my prayers exactly.

Except for the dragon part.
Sometimes when I eat a banana, I feel like a monkey.


I'll never forget

on the first day of my first real job as a Kohl's cashier, a co-worker leaned over and gave me my first piece of real world advice: "Your fly is open."

Thank you, Kathy.  You changed my life.


I didn't think it was possible,

but there is one roundabout in Fort Collins that has proven that America CAN navigate the swirly twirly intersection.

Take that Europe.


TJ: the late light makes things crazy.
Me: like what?
TJ: like it is still light and warm outside. crazy
Me: oh. agreed! i thought you meant crazy as in "there's a naked man chewing on the squirrel corn cobs."
TJ: gross


Our mark on history.

If you and your sister have to use 90% of your nephew's coins at Chuck-E-Cheese to get the high score on the basketball game, then so be it.

Proof that I AM a parselmouth.

No joke. I started talking to it and it slithered over to and up the glass. 
There was a witness.
He could tell you what he saw, but I doubt 
if he understood a word. 


I could only stare at this wallpaper for so long before it had to come to this.

Why, grandma of my boyfriend? Why didn't anyone tell you?
And since they didn't, I have to be the one to shed the light.

Ball sacks.  
You decorated your entire room in ball sacks.


it's spring break.

And thank God for that.
Because my temple twitch (the harbinger of self implosion) is back.

Also, as of this morning, the squirrels have gotten frisky.  
Watch out.


No Luck of the Arrhish.

I shipped out to Boston yesterday - to find my wooden leg.

But I couldn't track it down.

That's me in the middle.  Back when I had my wooden leg.


Ode to a big big blue berry

Thanks Blueberry, for giving me great joy on this horrifyingly long work day. Blueberry, you are all that is good in this world. Thank you for letting me eat you and your bretheren. Someday, we'll wed.

Evil cackle.

Now that I have a basket on my bike handles, I can't help but feel a little bit like Almira Gulch.
You know - the Wicked Witch of the West.


Confession: sometimes we try to hit the geese flocking above us

Today while playing tennis, I thought to myself, what if I refused to play in anything but clownpants.
And then I shared the idea aloud, but I was laughing too hard so it wasn't really understood. But I don't think that matters at all.

"You guys should visit Disney's Hogwarts!" she suggested.

"Well, that sounds like an expensive way to break up," he forewarned.


Spoiler Alert!

I really appreciated the lesson, specifically for girls, taught by the movie True Grit.
If you're a clever, strong-willed young woman, you will grow up to be a lonely old maid with half an arm.
Lesson learned, I will tone it down.


it's an old, strange friendship i sometimes don't understand but it amuses me

TJ: That kettle corn blew the normal stuff out of the water, didn't it?
Jan: [thinking] kind of, i guess.
Bab: Mmm! Yes. It sure did.
Jan: [thinking] they aren't even joking. this is a real conversation.
Bab: Well, it's a stiff competition. You get the salty and the sweet.
TJ: I'll take it any day.
Jan: [thinking] why are they still talking about it?
Bab: Remember how great high school was?
TJ: The best. Almost as good as kettle corn.
Jan: [thinking] fart noise.


Gaddafi won't give up for Lent.

Come on, Muammar. 
You can still wear your tribal garb,
even if you aren't "technically" The Evil Dictator.


teacher of the year strikes again

"Do you guys know what to do if we have a lockdown?"
"You turn off the lights, lock the door, shut the blinds and we all go to the corner of the room and be quiet so the killers won't find us."
"Yes. Very good. We go to the corner of the room, I kneel down and you all huddle around me."
"Just kidding. I suppose I have to protect you."


if you don't know me by now, you will never never never never never kno-oh me.

I have a birthmark on my leg. It's one of my many specialties. It's a cluster of blood vessels close to the surface and when you press it, it disappears for a few seconds. It was this trick that got me many friends in my early years and a boyfriend in my later years ("Hi. I'm Julie. Press my birthmark. Come, now; don't be shy.").

I went to the doctor's recently and she saw the mark on my leg, looked appalled and said, "Uh, what is that?" I explained, "Oh, it's always been there." She looked very relieved and said, "Good. I thought you had shingles!"

Nope. It's just my hickey from God.


Wafer Cookies

Flaky, crunchy, sugary
the thought is all-consuming

Cutest Darn Thing I Ever Saw

don't worry. he found another regular spoon to reside with.

Julie: We'll all have to share the king sized bed.
TJ: I call middle spoon.
Jon: I'll be top spoon.
Julie: Wha!? No. We're keeping this classy. We'll be a knife, fork, and spoon and just lay side by side.
Jon: Then I'll be the weird spaghetti tosser you keep in the other drawer.


but the industry, my friends - that was a Revolution.

Get my Nobel prize polished and ready to be accepted, because I have an idea. Why not, after every sporting event in a stadium, let the bums come in and clean up? They can eat whatever leftover popcorn there is and drink all the abandoned beers! It's something I'd probably like to do a few times mahself. Then they can sleep in the stadium for the night, being provided with a complementary toothbrush and foam finger when they leave in the morning.


I feel the same way about my job

I admire James Franco because you can tell he's just in it for the money.


with flowers in your hair

I spend my life trying to get Eyan to think I'm cool

and when he sets me up to banter
E: "American Airlines"
B: "Uuhhhhh, can I talk to my sister?"
I fumble!

it's not Ukrainia? Well, it should be.

[my thoughts while listening to NPR]

"Women of Ukraine are speaking out in protest."
"They no longer want to be seen as objects of commodity for men."
"They say they aren't going to stand for being a destination for sex tourism and mail order brides."
Like ol' Sarah Plain and Tall.
"So, the women have gathered and protested by going topless."
"In February."
Slut bags.


For the most part I thought Jeff Bridges' character 'Bad Blake' in Crazy Heart was a creeper

except when he  would get out of his car with his belt and jeans button undone; that's a man after mine own heart.
comfort first.


give us a melancholy toot

sometimes i wonder about tuba players and how they're probably the most depressed musicians in the world. poor, poor tuba players.