He uses antlers in all of his decorating.

After a long work day (5 hours to the San Luis Valley, 5 Hours of Migrant work, 5 hours home),  I made my work friend, Gaston,
 stop at Johnson's corner for a giant cinnamon roll.

Turns out he doesn't like frosting.  Our stomachs hurt.  I went home and pooped, I'm sure he did the same.

 I'm good on cinnamon rolls for at least 2 years.


Sittin' on a gold mine

I just thought of a really great idea for a book. I won't give you all the details, but mainly it's about you walking through the woods and you hear voice and they're your indian spirits.

Maybe I'll tell you the end because it's too good. You turn out to be the indian spirit and you've been dead for 300 years but you never killed a buffalo so you're trapped in time until you can guide your memory self to spiritual freedom!


Did we ever tell you about the time we wanted to go as siamese twins for Halloween and that we'd be connected by the forehead and everyone would be grossed out by us?

The words of Julie: "I'd probably hate my twin."
The words of an actual twin: "It's not that great.  You get your own life when you go to college."

I'd like to buy the world a boyfriend

Who stops you when you're worrying about the day when all the white hairs you already have will cover your entire head. A dude who says, "You need to quit worrying about stuff like that. You're with me, now."
Because it just, you know, makes you calmer than you've ever felt.



One scary mofo.

In my mind, it never was or will be Sharptooth.



What? You're not serious are you? You guys, did you know that Obama - our "president" - is on some crazy anti-negro bus tour. Oh yeah, it gets worse. Those buses he's traveling in? HE BOUGHT THEM FROM CANADA. Canada.

Thanks again, boyfriend's grandma. If it wasn't for your constant vigilance of Fox news, we'd have never ever known to be so obtusely outraged.  

Tomorrow's Goal,

        Have a more peaceful day.


Phoenix, AZ: Are you effing kidding me?

And on Tuesday, we incinerate. All you can say during the summer time in Phoenix is "It's haauuuggghhht." I kept saying it over and over because it was true. I felt like I was in an oven trying to cool off with a blowdryer. Or like in those movies when people jump into the pool because something just exploded and there are flames shooting above you - but instead of temporary harmful flames, it's just hot air and you need that air to breathe so you have to come up at some point, and it pounds your face and lungs. And it never got not hot. Hot forever. And the way I said it, you'd think I was always surprised and I WAS. How could it be this effing hot? Day and night? And then one day I woke from a nap and the sky was red and the sun was blocked and it finally made sense that we weren't on earth, but on the surface of Venus.


pool time

"Get off of me!"
"But I love you!"
"You're drowning me!"
"No I just love you!"
"They're one and the same!"


I'm offended

According to our new friend Mike,  "No offense but that's a late rising full moon.  You won't see any shooting stars until , let's be honest, right before the sun rises."

But everyone DID see a shooting star, yours truly saw 4.

It's like a castle or some sort of flag party.


Sports Authority Field at Mile High?! Come on, people. Why even pretend to debate?

We all know exactly what the stadium's name should be.
Secret: John lives inside the bronco.


See that little bird on the guy's hand? It's REAL!

Templeton at the Fair

I ate a foot long corn dog, curly fries, turtle funnel cake and a lemonade.

Know what's not humorously ironic?

Having your bike lights stolen while you're volunteering at the bike coop.


We've always loved ya, HOFer Shanon.

Thanks for making a girl's name sound so tough.
They should have carved your head out of cheese.
Extra sharpe. 


Oh, Time Machine,

take me back to the moment before I decided a very frozen fruit pop on this hot summer day would be a good idea. Back to a time when my lips were still attached to their outer layer of skin.

No urine sample required.

Thinking to myself: It's a bummer I chugged all that water in the parking lot.

This is an old picture. The "robe" I had to wear today wasn't so much a robe as it was a cape. Unbecoming.


Avatar: Oh THAT Movie

"Why am I sitting here for 3 hours with these crazy glasses on my head?"

       "I was told there'd be a sex scene."

"I'll take less Jake Sully avatar and more Jake Sully human."

      "I was rooting for the United States!"


I'm sorry, Casey Anthony,

for saying that mean thing about you. You know, that you're "not as hot as everyone keeps saying you are." Apparently it was not very ladylike. But let's be honest - if we're talking about good looking possible murderers, you're no Scott Peterson.


Follow the big guy's stick weapon

 There's about a million reasons why I love my bffl.  Presents like this are high on the list.
 She says I'd be the reader and she's the big guy (but that's only because of what he's doing with his weapon).
I thought she looked like the soda drinker, but to each his own.
  I LOVE this thing.

Flo is back!

I found my talk-like-an-old-smoker-lady-who-lives-in-Florida glasses!

 Finally, I can make my dad laugh again.

Poor little idiot


I thought you should know that it's not "debt seal" that everyone's talking about. It's the "Debt Ceiling" (as in the highest it can go).

With as much love as a girl can have for another girl without being a lez,



If you're ever driving to Crested Butte and you see a huge flashing sign that says "Watch for Cows,"
you'd better watch for cows. It's for reals.