i only draw these because she hates them so much

Happy New Year, pal.
All my love,

If only he didn't have all those annoying children. And a thing for charismatic nuns.

This is one Captain I'd like to make some sweet music with.

(he's a babe AND he hates Nazis... a rare combination.)


i don't cry myself to sleep about it.

i guess i can at least respect that eyan can NOT laugh at my jokes.
i guess.

Julie hasn't done The Wheeze since who knows when. What we need is another stinky pen moment or a situation where she sets me up to be disgusted.

cum laude

if i had been allowed to make a speech at graduation, i would have said, "i'd like to thank my mother, who let me nurse 'till i was 3."


i take it as a compliment

"Do you know they used to call me the Nutcracker?"
"I was taller than all the boys; my knees were at optimum level. And I was an aggressive soccer player at recess."

It's Good For The Earth

Sorry if we recycle jokes once in a while. It feels new every time.


You can't just say you're a nice person and think that actually proves anything

A word from us:

Sorry we ruined your lives. And crammed 11 cookies into the VCR.

Merry Christmas, mofos.

We never said it was funny.

It is estimated that 3 out of 10 puppies are suffering from depression. Puppy suicide is on the rise. Second only to mange, it is the number one cause of death for puppies. Puppy suicide is no laughing matter. Please, talk to your puppy. Tell them they are not alone.


Tell me I didn't ask Santa for that Fisherprice toolbelt

This is me and Fred, The World's Greatest Hamster. Shortly hereafter, he smelled the cheerio residue on my hands and bit me.

3 years later, Fred will ironically die on Christmas morning. My mom will tell me she saw him climb into Santa's sleigh and fly off to the North Pole. I will feel confused and a little betrayed by both Santa and Fred, for years to come.

Whilst you was asleep

This Christmas eve, I will come to the family gathering armed with a whacking-device. Preferably a wooden bat. The crowbar seems like it would do too much damage, and damage is not what I'm in for. Because my sister is likely not recieving a ring this Christmas, I have devised a plan to knock out the idiot. He will slip into a coma for a day or three, and when he comes to, we will all congratulate him on the engagement. When he says he doesn't remember ever getting on one knee, I'll gently tell him he has lacunar amnesia. If he asks if I got this idea from that Sandra Bullock movie, I'll gently whack him again. Maybe with the crowbar.


read this and adore

"One Christmas night my parents were being horrible and fighting like usual, and I stepped outside for a minute to get away from it all. The stars were so bright. And I wanted to run away. Then I heard the faintest jingle of bells. My heart was beating fast and I was holding my breath, looking up at the sky, as the bells got louder and closer. Then a car drove by, and I realized the noise was coming from the chains on the tires... But for a minute, I truly believed it was Santa."
"How old were you?"
"In my late 30s."

Happy birthday, mamsie.

Driving down the highway in North Carolina

"Was that a live chicken?"
"Right by the side of the road."
"I wonder why he was going to cross it."

I think we're onto something

"Was this milk sour?"
"It tasted fine to me."
"Maybe whole milk just gets more like cheese as it gets older."



down the hatch

"We made up a new drink called the 60Lime."
"Why is it called that?"
"You have to put 60 cherries in your glass."