a thought

It's hard to blog when you don't have internet. Or a toilet you're allowed to poop in.


could you do it when it counts?

Nice job tonight, Rockies.  So now  you decide to beat the Red Sox.


i'm pretty sure math doesn't transcend languages

us: "Josh you gave that guy a $50 and it was only 30 euros!"
josh: "Yeah that's about right."

2 minutes later

us: "So when we got 100 euro out of the atm, that was like $150."

Field Closed For Butterfly Migration

the one and only sign I won't trespass

[JAN wraps blanket around legs]

BAB: Pff. Are you rocking the FDR look?
JAN: Yeah. Owww. My polio hurts.
BAB: Ah, geez. I can't stay pretend-mad at you.

"Hey, what happened to all the bubbles?"

It was after I learned that the absurd amount of bubbles growing from the depths of the hot tub were due to bacterial build-up, that I sorely regretted making the foam beard.

father's day cont.

I'd like to take a moment and redact all the times I said my dad was "cow poo-poo" (as permanently documented on home videos). I had a little trouble "dealing" when you tried to wean me. As everyone remembers, I hung in there till I was 3. I think we all know who won that battle. I'd also like to appologize for hogging the jugs for so long.

Dad, you are anything but the fecal matter of bovine.

Thank you, Cal Ripkin Jr.

for aging so gloriously. And for once playing on a team that always makes me think: oreos.



10 minute break

"We should practice some dance moves on this floor before the wedding."
"You're right.  I'll spin in the middle with my arms out."
"And I'll leap around you in a giant circle."
"Yes, this is good.  But we're going to need a lot of space."

chatting with a navy boy in Sicily

"I tried to learn to speak Arabic, but all I got was 'Yes' 'No' and 'Where are the grenades?'"


If you're choking

Expect this face to be coming at ya saying, "MY NAME IS JULIE!  I AM CPR CERTIFIED!  ARE YOU CHOKING?!  CAN I HELP YOU?!"

and by the time she's finished saying her speech and you can nod your head in agreement for help       you're dead.


luck of the polish

remember how when you started college everyone was all, "oh college is where you'll find your friends for life!"
and you were like, "pfff, doubt it."
but you found your best friend kindred spirit anyway?

just us?



Dad: Will there be another wedding this summer, Julie?
JAN: That's too much pressure, dad.
BAB: Yeah, John. I haven't even asked her yet.

I can tell you why the Rockies were losing when I last looked at the score.

It's because of the Minnesota Twins' motto.

who wouldn't be distracted?

We got to spend the night in Rome airport with the hobos.

english domination


ball game

"My throat hurts."
"Mine too! What do you think it's from?"
"Could it be those gray hotdogs we ate from the street-vendor?"

These dudes are getting married tomorrow. And believe it or not, BAB and I both got dance partners



that got old when i was 5

People are always trying to blatantly teach us lessons.
Like we're soooo bad. Jerks.

Dear Shawn,

Would you like to "get jiggy with it" with me on Saturday?  And by "it" I mean the song co-written by Nas circa 1998 from Will Smith's critically acclaimed album Big Willie Style.



"a little straighter on the front, please"

my nephew got a new haircut.  i'm pretty sure it's exactly what he was going for.

worst conviction ever.

I swear on all that is holy, my children will NEVER eat 

the caveman

when we were at the boat a mosquito bit my eyebrow.  it swelled up so bad.  and i had to tell everyone not to look at me.


Marmaduke: only the 2nd worst comic strip ever

If they make a movie about Family Circus, I'm out. I mean it. I'm taking a rocket. I'm packing my suitcase. And I'm pitching a tent in the telestial kingdom, where there are liars and sorcerers and adulterers and whoremongers. And together, we will drink and swear and feel the sweet freedom in forgetting the moronic existence of Jeffy or Billy or PJ or that cooze Dolly.


When you see something you want, you latch on to it,
smother it; then you stroke it and put it under your shirt
so it can't escape or breathe.
- B.A.B.

31 rapid-fire poems from a fridge we once loved

1) Cold house
2) Fat monster ate soft black boy
3) The bat hero missed his mom
4) Super bone
5) Do me
6) I steal gold
7) He has a big hairy troll
8) Dinosaur battle
9) TV lullaby
10) Danger because giant zombie woman is beautiful
11) Hook is a bad man
12) Alien beam kit
13) Moon captain planet
14) Pig can not float
15) Gassy princess
16) Her clever heart will live
17) Eye ooze
18) I want to be on you wait
19) Trap appear fall love
20) It’s a mutant bite
21) I shot that cat
22) Grow to be old and good
23) Do you like my transport?
24) Nice inside attack
25) Weird face off
26) We sleep too much
27) Magic gun story of enchanted wet dreams
(i do believe #27 is from the souls of jay and jeff)
28) We escape loudly
29) Naughty mean gazes
30) Starship down
31) The gentle rocket exploded.

best doggone dog in the west

"Remember how sad that movie is?"
"What part?"
"Uh, the part where the boy has to shoot his pet dog."



first things i'd save if ever there were a fire

Trailer Tales: in which we meet a new friend

He was the road scraper and he carried a half empty bottle of Jagermeister. He introduced himself as Todd. He had a gruff voice, a beard worthy of Al Borland, and a strong handshake. Then he said, "I was hoping you'd come home. I wanted to tell you there's a bear around here. And it's BIG. Did you see the big pile of shit by the shop?" I said yes I had. Todd said we had to go take a closer look at it. It wasn't just a normal pile of shit; this was a big bear we were waging war against.

On our walk to the see the shit, Todd offered me a swig of the Jager, but I was slightly afeared and said, "Nay, thank you." We arrived at the shitpile none too soon, after Todd had said 'shit' no less that 10 times, and 'fuck' on the greater side of 7.5. Todd kindly pointed out that the bear also wizzed right next to where it defecated. This bear, this beast of burden, was one cocky son of a gun.  Then Todd scared the shit out of me. He told me this bear was huge; it knew what is was doing when it peed and pooed there, and it WILL kill me if I let it have the chance. He asked if I had a gun. I said yes and revealed what kind. Todd roared, "THAT AIN'T GONNA DO IT! If you come upon it, shoot it in the shoulders and run like hell."

And here's the crazy part. Todd threw his hat on the ground, and underneath the ballcap was a beautiful mane. It was thick, fully covering his scalp, and had a silver glow of wisdom. It stood up on end and blew slightly in the evening breeze. I was stunned, more stunned than I had been when minutes before, Todd revealed a more genteel side as he named the mountain flowers that were in bloom. The lovely locks were completely unexpected as all I had been able to see this whole time was his nappy beard, which I wrongly assumed continued up and around the lower half of his head. Unconcerned with my gaping mouth, Todd went on to explain that he knows bears because he lived with them in Alaska. They've had a few chats, Todd and the bears. When he said he was part bear, afterall, I just simply nodded. Then I spat on the ground.

As he started to drive back into the woods, I hollered, "Which part?" Todd grinned and said, "The beard."

This blog

is my happy place.


shoot off!

"That thing was loaded!?!"
"I always keep it loaded. Except when Brittany came to visit;
I took all the bullets out."

I wanna walk like you, talk like you, ooooo. You see it's truuue, and ape like meee can learn to be like someone like you. Take it home daddy! Can learn to be like someone like meee.

"Remember when we couldn't stop singing the Jungle Book?"
"It was terrible."
"We had to beg to be stopped."


Seeing is believing

I like that I've seen Julie's trailer park and can now visualize the stories she tells me.  Such as "I was digging through the woodpile today and saw a tick."  and  "Guess who just drained their car battery using their laptop! me. i did.  now i have to walk up the gd hill."  And I know that hill now. I know how it will suck the breath right out of you so you can't even curse at it.
there's that hill and if you look real close there might be a trailer

i wanted to be called The Great One, but my parents made me be Little Bear

"Remember that indian princess thing you did with your dad when you were little?"
"Well, I was thinking if I had been in it, I'd have wanted my name to be Elk Kid. Because it's so hard to say."