Death by Motor Vehicle Accident

It's not her fault she's a bad driver, it just runs in her blood. Try taking a right-hand turn and ending up in the left lane and her not recognizing it for what seemed like minutes. There's a good chance she was actually trying to kill us all. After the movie she didn't help us put anything back in the car she just sat in the driver's seat waiting for us. And when we decided to replay the movie, each of us choosing to be a character she didn't join in or even chuckle when Luke was going to be the thing the black guy threw out the window. And Julie's CRAZY notion of paying separately did not go over well. In the end I couldn't decide if she was glaring at us or if that's just the way she looks.


I Am Melting

My guess is the temperature inside our house is around boiling.  This is my estimate after checking out the roommate's waterbed and watching it bubble bubble toil and trouble.  I have resorted to putting a wet washcloth on my neck in order to stay alive.  I listened at Julie's door and all I can hear is her fan, I hope to God she's still breathing.  Not only is the heat killing me but I'm pretty sure it's helping the bugs thrive.  Thus far I have killed 1 big old flying beetle thing and 1 creeper spider that was in my closet.  And what  happened to the cross breeze?  Julie tells me the hot air is forcing itself in and crushing us.  Delirium setting in.


if i could

If i had a time machine, i would go back to saturday afternoon, look that old man in the eyes and say, "I hope your corn dies."

Then i would yell, "Rebar! Prepare to meet thy doom!" And with a salute to the ones i love, i would dive into the water, never to be seen again.

Watch this.

Why aren't more people impressed when we do the stand on one leg and lean on the other leg that's up in the air like it's really resting on something?  It takes mad skill and balance like you wouldn't believe.  And sometimes, if you're behind a table or something you can really fool a person into thinking your foot's resting on an actual block or other gadget!  The move is under appreciated.  Maybe we're just ahead of our time.   


a story based on true events. we were wrong, as usual.

due to recent events, Bab and I have needed some down time (more accurately described as extended cuddle sessions). also, due to the heat, we've been extra sweaty and can only wear the bare essentials, so we realize any pictures would be borderline inappropriate for our viewers, (which includes the lonely divorced man across the way). it is because of this, and largely in part to the fact that we don't feel like expending any energy, that i must post a conversation from the recent past and photos that inspired the following transcript and hope it pleases. i have also elected to include a picture of a youthful John McCain, purely because it strikes my fancy. mmm... John McCain cira 1845... MMM...

"I can't believe they'll be moving into my room."
"We'll have to tell him that there's no sex allowed in there."
"He'd be like: That's only cause you're in it."
"And you can say 'Either me, or you and your girlfriend. Doesn’t make a difference.'"
"And he'd be like: Aren't you going to marry Brittany?"
"And you would say 'Only in New Jersey.'"
"And then we would invite him to join us in that polygamist ghetto."
"And he would make his girlfriend his #1 wife."
"And we'd be shunned on our 23rd birthdays because we didn't sew big enough shoulderpoofs on our earthtone dresses."
"And we would starve because we can't garden or grind wheat or milk a heifer."


I'll Take My Chances With The Rebar

4:00 Excitement level high, real high, around an 8. Or high 7 for some.

4:30 Peeing in river accomplished.

5:00 Happiness level maximum, with shouts of "I feel like Tom Sawyer!" and "I peed in the river again!"

5:15 Spot very first KEEP OUT signs but fail to "keep out." Jeff falls out of tube and loses something. Dignity?

5:20 Brittany gets bludgeoned by tree branches for a good half mile. Happiness slightly lowered.

5:30 Our powers combine to form a fellowship of the tubes as big d-bags race by us drinking a single bottled beer each.

5:45 Reach interlude with the river. Watch d-bags navigate over a dam waterfall reaching approx 4 feet in height. Decide to bail. Bailing fairly unsuccessful. Jeff gets first of scrapes, loses tube and has to swim to get it. Brittany slips on mossy mud-rock and eats it hard. All get stuck in nasty sludge, compiled of black stinky stuff we'd rather not discuss.

6:00 Jeff describes his future date bragging that she speaks spanish. We reply, "That pushes her down a notch."

6:30 Second KEEP OUT sign, larger and more evil spirited than the first. We look for the fabled barbed wire, but see nothing, so we keep in. The worst assumed to be over.

6:40 Jay acquires moses-like staff. Uses it to determine if water is drowning-level. "Yep, it's drownin' level."

6:50 Jeff loses seeds for 300th time.

7:00 Hear thundering noise coming from the giant dam ahead. D-bags no where to be seen. We assume they are lying at the bottom of the dam, crushed and mangled. The fellowship decides to navigate to shore, where there is more sludge that captures Jeff and sucks the very spirit from his being.

7:02 Happiness level at all time low.

7:04 Covered in poopy sludge. Jeff needs hug.

7:05 Scratchy weeds.

7:06 Mosquito bites in every crevice.

7:07 Jay the only one not terrified to jump barbed wire fence.

7:08 Jeff, Brittany, and Julie relieved to see fence ends to the right.

7:09 Fellowship crosses the dam, becoming trespassers. Stare down into our watery graves that lie off the cliff.

7:10 We choose life and stand there, looking ragged and hobo-ish.

7:11 Mean old man approaches. Does not forgive his trespassers who trespass amongst him. Julie babbles apology.

7:12 Old Man suggests we die by rebar impailment.

7:13 Do not take his suggestion. Start of the long trek through weeds, more mosquitos, and dirt road that leads to God knows where.

7:25 Walk of shame.

7:30 Glorious sighting of poudre up ahead. No longer lost. Still very downtrodden.

7:31 "Julie your heel is bleeding." "I know."

7:35 See d-bags have also made it here safely. Crawl back into Poudre.

7:40 Float infront of mexican fishermen catching their dinner.

7:45 Little to no communication within the fellowship. Jeff continues to be battered by the Poudre.

8:00 Find path to car. Start crying. Run to car. Cry some more.

8:02 Depression complete. We really took it in the poudre.

8:03 Head home to get wasted until we can no longer feel our rashes.

2:00 Go to sleep, itchy, tired, rashy, but happy we have good buddies who let us torture them.


magical murray's!!!



i didn't mean to drag your balls into the conversation

I think when you decide to ride bikes for extended periods of time you automatically forfit your ability to procreate.


Aw Huck

Nobody knows it, except for me, Julie, and that lady who rode by me when I yelled it, but I felt like Tom Sawyer when we rode our bikes on the long bridge that goes over the Poudre. It's like we were crossing the Mississippi and chewing on grass stems and talking with accents and stealing peaches from people's trees.


We jumped out of the canoe.

It's possible for us to go from watery swim, possible looming death, to warm heavenly land-like canoe in just under an hour. Yeah, we gotta beach ourselves in like whales do on the sandy shores. It's not as easy as it might seem. Step 1: Pull top half of self up and flop into canoe. Step 2: Take a break. Step 3: Swing a leg in. Step 4: Break. Step 5: Lug leg 2 into boat. Then nap for 30 minutes due to exhaustion.

But what's important is that as long as the water isn't too cold and there aren't any waves, if we are thrown out of Jeff we can get back in.

not an un-truth

we hiked to hanging lake but none of us wanted to carry a camera the whole way. so here's a fake picture of the moment, with us not so sweaty and in a canoe.

how we hate her

You know who's a bitch?

Dame Judi Dench.