My guess is the temperature inside our house is around boiling. This is my estimate after checking out the roommate's waterbed and watching it bubble bubble toil and trouble. I have resorted to putting a wet washcloth on my neck in order to stay alive. I listened at Julie's door and all I can hear is her fan, I hope to God she's still breathing. Not only is the heat killing me but I'm pretty sure it's helping the bugs thrive. Thus far I have killed 1 big old flying beetle thing and 1 creeper spider that was in my closet. And what happened to the cross breeze? Julie tells me the hot air is forcing itself in and crushing us. Delirium setting in.
Then i would yell, "Rebar! Prepare to meet thy doom!" And with a salute to the ones i love, i would dive into the water, never to be seen again.
Why aren't more people impressed when we do the stand on one leg and lean on the other leg that's up in the air like it's really resting on something? It takes mad skill and balance like you wouldn't believe. And sometimes, if you're behind a table or something you can really fool a person into thinking your foot's resting on an actual block or other gadget! The move is under appreciated. Maybe we're just ahead of our time.
"I can't believe they'll be moving into my room."
"We'll have to tell him that there's no sex allowed in there."
"He'd be like: That's only cause you're in it."
"And you can say 'Either me, or you and your girlfriend. Doesn’t make a difference.'"
"And he'd be like: Aren't you going to marry Brittany?"
"And you would say 'Only in New Jersey.'"
"And then we would invite him to join us in that polygamist ghetto."
"And he would make his girlfriend his #1 wife."
"And we'd be shunned on our 23rd birthdays because we didn't sew big enough shoulderpoofs on our earthtone dresses."
"And we would starve because we can't garden or grind wheat or milk a heifer."
4:30 Peeing in river accomplished.
5:00 Happiness level maximum, with shouts of "I feel like Tom Sawyer!" and "I peed in the river again!"
5:15 Spot very first KEEP OUT signs but fail to "keep out." Jeff falls out of tube and loses something. Dignity?
5:20 Brittany gets bludgeoned by tree branches for a good half mile. Happiness slightly lowered.5:30 Our powers combine to form a fellowship of the tubes as big d-bags race by us drinking a single bottled beer each.
5:45 Reach interlude with the river. Watch d-bags navigate over a dam waterfall reaching approx 4 feet in height. Decide to bail. Bailing fairly unsuccessful. Jeff gets first of scrapes, loses tube and has to swim to get it. Brittany slips on mossy mud-rock and eats it hard. All get stuck in nasty sludge, compiled of black stinky stuff we'd rather not discuss.
6:00 Jeff describes his future date bragging that she speaks spanish. We reply, "That pushes her down a notch."
6:30 Second KEEP OUT sign, larger and more evil spirited than the first. We look for the fabled barbed wire, but see nothing, so we keep in. The worst assumed to be over.
6:40 Jay acquires moses-like staff. Uses it to determine if water is drowning-level. "Yep, it's drownin' level."
6:50 Jeff loses seeds for 300th time.
7:00 Hear thundering noise coming from the giant dam ahead. D-bags no where to be seen. We assume they are lying at the bottom of the dam, crushed and mangled. The fellowship decides to navigate to shore, where there is more sludge that captures Jeff and sucks the very spirit from his being.
7:02 Happiness level at all time low.
7:04 Covered in poopy sludge. Jeff needs hug.7:05 Scratchy weeds.
7:06 Mosquito bites in every crevice.
7:07 Jay the only one not terrified to jump barbed wire fence.
7:08 Jeff, Brittany, and Julie relieved to see fence ends to the right.
7:09 Fellowship crosses the dam, becoming trespassers. Stare down into our watery graves that lie off the cliff.
7:10 We choose life and stand there, looking ragged and hobo-ish.
7:11 Mean old man approaches. Does not forgive his trespassers who trespass amongst him. Julie babbles apology.
7:12 Old Man suggests we die by rebar impailment.
7:13 Do not take his suggestion. Start of the long trek through weeds, more mosquitos, and dirt road that leads to God knows where.
7:25 Walk of shame.
7:30 Glorious sighting of poudre up ahead. No longer lost. Still very downtrodden.
7:31 "Julie your heel is bleeding." "I know."
7:35 See d-bags have also made it here safely. Crawl back into Poudre.
7:40 Float infront of mexican fishermen catching their dinner.
7:45 Little to no communication within the fellowship. Jeff continues to be battered by the Poudre.
8:00 Find path to car. Start crying. Run to car. Cry some more.
8:02 Depression complete. We really took it in the poudre.
8:03 Head home to get wasted until we can no longer feel our rashes.
2:00 Go to sleep, itchy, tired, rashy, but happy we have good buddies who let us torture them.
It's possible for us to go from watery swim, possible looming death, to warm heavenly land-like canoe in just under an hour. Yeah, we gotta beach ourselves in like whales do on the sandy shores. It's not as easy as it might seem. Step 1: Pull top half of self up and flop into canoe. Step 2: Take a break. Step 3: Swing a leg in. Step 4: Break. Step 5: Lug leg 2 into boat. Then nap for 30 minutes due to exhaustion.
But what's important is that as long as the water isn't too cold and there aren't any waves, if we are thrown out of Jeff we can get back in.