golden oldies

I really like how the unmarried old men at work think it's appropriate to share with me their carnivorous appraisals, such as, "They didn't make 'em like that when I was young!" in reference to the teenage girls who wear short shorts and ride the alpine slide. I especially like when they reach over and touch my hair. Wait. Is "like" the right word?

do or do not.

One time in Catania, we were at a castle on top of a hill. Then something quite magical caught my eye on the old tile roof, so I clambered on top of the rickety surface to retrieve it. "JAN! You're going to fall through," cried BAB as she tried to pull back on my legs. But, when I returned holding this:
she agreed it was worth the risk.


thought from hot springs on a hot day

What if Julie was a really bad singer but I liked her singing voice and always asked her to sing to me?

Crocodile Mile

Hurling your 4 year-old nephew down the slip 'n slide is almost as good as throwing yourself down it .

[Dispatch and Ray Charles play in the background at work]

"Sorry if I overwhelm you with my music taste"

"I'm offended by it."
     "Yah, too many swears."

i've never been so proud of her

this is a picture of BAB eating stale jiffy-pop, not because she was particularly hungry but simply because she did not want my mom to feed it to the seagulls.

it was a vendetta i completely supported.

you get a humpback whale! you get a humpback whale!

"Well at least they'll be going to the Atlantic ocean, so they won't have to swim in oil."
"Bad news, mom. The whales have been sucking up all the oil and spraying it around the ocean, so it's only a matter of time. Rapidly spreading. We're going to have to take out all the whales."
"Don't talk about it. It makes me too sad."
"... What? Did you hear what I was even saying? I was blaming the whales! The whales, mom."


you know what's not a good idea?

Listening to the theme song of Castaway when you're driving away from your bffl.


holding your pee is carcinogenic

If you're on a bus tour of Europe and you drank a liter of beer and really have to pee, don't listen to your friend who says, "No that's a closet."  Because it's really a tiny tiny bathroom.


did you get that, squirrel?

"Some say we're too funny, and too pretty, and too great."
"Dude, nobody has ever said that about us."
"I've said that about us!!"

I miss you already, Babbles.


story of my life.

A conversation held at work with a small child in which I think I was belittled:

Small Child: "Are you a girl?"
JAN: "Yes. I'm a girl."

Where the streets are paved with cheese.

"Look - there's the first firework! It just got stuck."

I sentence you to sudden, instant, and even immediate death!

People need to quit telling us it's time to "cut the cord." In our case, cutting the cord means we both die. You follow? We're like siamese twins; the kind that share a liver.  It's not like trying to decide who gets the leg.


Bobby Fischer was anti-semitic?

A conversation I held at work in which I think I was belittled:

"Do you play chess?"
"You should"


McDonalds recalls Shrek glasses

Guess who didn't give in to the recall? You guessed it. These ladies! A little long-term exposure to cadmium never hurt anyone. If they want 'em back, they can pry them from our cold dead hands.



JAN is back in biz-nat!!

I got internet!! for the first time in 2 months. Oh cruel world, you'll regret this :)

The woes of a dancin fool

I couldn't get the headstand move down.
And every time I tried a move I'd look at the little black girl who'd be shaking her head at me.  Take it easy, lady, I'm white!

From the mouths of Jay and Jeff

them: "Have you guys seen Toy Story 3?"
us: "No, not yet."
them: "It's SO good!  But then again, we're huge Toy Story fans."


Thank you, Amish dudes

for not only daring to rock the pastel monotones, but also for saying, "Ow." when I scanned your lift ticket with infrared lasers.

Dear BAB's mom,

I never got to thank you for the sack of nutballs. They were the best nutballs I've ever had in or around my mouth.



Trailer Tales: in which i say "No, I don't think you should get a dog."

Meet my new roommate.
Her name is Hooch E. Mama.
But, I secretly call her Ms. Beyoncé.
I like her because she thinks i'm pretty. 


If I had one of those super speedy motor wheelchairs, I'd try to run people over too.