Er meh ger

Guess who?!
This picture of Mindy Kahling
should get you through Wednesday misery
and make you regret not marrying
a thin-boned fellow from India.


Jello - off limits!

Kenan Thompson's acting repertoire really took a severe blow when Cosby impressions became legally "not funny." 


This weekend
you should take your pal
and drive through Yellowstone
at dusk
and find the valley 
where the wolves are.
You will sit quietly 
with a group
of excited photographers,
watching through binoculars.
And then you will crack open
your coors light cans -
quiet as possible -
because shockingly those
photo dweebs aren't drinking.
Add a splash of lime,
lean back,
knowing your wolfpack 
is out there somewhere.
(If you can't drive to Yellowstone,
any front porch will do)
And if you feel like it,
it's ok
to give a little hooooowl.


Art imitating Life

[On screen]
"Amy, is that wine-in-a-box?"
"Mmhmm. I have red, too."

[Meanwhile, off screen]


Gimme dat senior discount!

Just used this book for a project.  The pages are tinted red on the edges so you know it's from a Grandma's basement.  

Tomorrow is only Wednesday. Just remember that time you got to hold a baby sea turtle, and breathe.

When baby sea turtles finally make it to the ocean (no small feat) they begin what is called a "swimming frenzy" lasting for several days, kicking their little fins and tail as fast as they possibly can, with the goal being to get far away from shore where risks of being eaten are oh-so high. After the frenzy, what happens in a turtles life is relatively unknown. Scientists call it their "lost years." But, I like to think they're just swimming along with their best friends, seeing the ocean views, eating snacks, and once a year they swim as fast as they can and yell "FRENZY!" just to remember that one time when they defied the odds and got their first taste of salty water.


happy hour

Mountain goats convene over beers to laugh about barely capable humans having no business on these peaks.



This little squeaker
turned 2!!
What the heck, life?
She likes to say,
"No, NO Aunt Juji!"
But I forgive her because
when she got knocked
 to the ground
at her party, 
she looked so sad 
with a quivering lip
and reached one chubby hand
up for someone to grab her.
And she let ME comfort and kiss 
her in that sweet moment.
Then she said,
"No, NO."
and made me let her go.


Me and Robyn every M-W-F! Everyone needs a Richard Simmons in life if you have to get your flabby butt out of bed before sunrise and jog the streets in a reflective construction vest. I've found my Richard in Robyn. 


Da bomb

I'm gonna go ahead and say it - that's a pretty shitty piece of craftmanship there, Ahmed. So bulky & I can't even see what part might possibly reveal the hour. Let's be honest, it's as much a toaster as it is a clock.

Call me cray-z, but that looks an awwwwful lot like this googled image result for "briefcase bomb." Highly suspect!
(except for the fact that you are a 9th grader & therefore most definitely just a little idiot)

At least I can clearly tell the time with the bomb.


Real work conversations

"All the Boulder runners always run races with their shirts off.  Even when it's cold outside!"

"I've heard, in those long races, nipple chafing can be a big issue." 

Green grass and high tides forever

 Those who don't believe me, find your souls
and set them free.

Ignorant Bliss

[Nighttime, lying in bed awake, thinking]

Amy Phoeler wrote in her book that people always want to ask you about your most embarrassing moment & that ladies of the world don't have to answer that stupid question anymore. Oh man, I bet I'd be too chicken not to just answer it in an interview. Ugggh, which incident would I even choose? There are so many, going back so many years... I feel sweaty. 

[Whispers to almost-snoring TJ]

What are you thinking about?

Putting chains on the truck tires.

And THAT is why dudes 
have no trouble whatsoever
falling asleep in under 5 minutes.


Do grasshoppers aim when they jump?

My best guess is that they can only jump wherever they're originally aimed, either that or their preferred target is your chest.  



Are you the person in your office who still thinks it's a'ight to shimmy out of work because "I have a migraine"? Here's news for you: no one is buyin' the chicklets you're selling, you turd.

Someone call them on the BS, or I'ma take my "constipated belly spasms" sick time to the MAX.


I totally get it

"All I follow on social media anymore are dogs."


Doo-doo Ninja

I'm a little ashamed at how hard this show makes me laugh. TJ asked when I started liking vulgar humor and I generally frown upon it, but this blessed show tickles my toes. Probably because they are skanky but bad at it. Like, what BAB & JAN could have been if we smoked weed and didn't prefer to stay home to watch reruns of Little House on the Prairie. Funny girls are the best girls.


Love at first sight

cutest + scariest thing I've seen in weeks