luck of the polish

remember how when you started college everyone was all, "oh college is where you'll find your friends for life!"

and you were like, "pfff, doubt it."
but you found your best friend kindred spirit anyway?

just us?

betrothal

Dad: Will there be another wedding this summer, Julie?
JAN: That's too much pressure, dad.
BAB: Yeah, John. I haven't even asked her yet.

I can tell you why the Rockies were losing when I last looked at the score.

It's because of the Minnesota Twins' motto.
SHOW US YOUR TWINS.


who wouldn't be distracted?

We got to spend the night in Rome airport with the hobos.

english domination

ball game

"My throat hurts."
"Mine too! What do you think it's from?"
"Could it be those gray hotdogs we ate from the street-vendor?"
"Yes."

These dudes are getting married tomorrow. And believe it or not, BAB and I both got dance partners

RED DRAGONS!

that got old when i was 5

People are always trying to blatantly teach us lessons.
Like we're soooo bad. Jerks.

Dear Shawn,

Would you like to "get jiggy with it" with me on Saturday?  And by "it" I mean the song co-written by Nas circa 1998 from Will Smith's critically acclaimed album Big Willie Style.

bab

"a little straighter on the front, please"

my nephew got a new haircut.  i'm pretty sure it's exactly what he was going for.

worst conviction ever.

I swear on all that is holy, my children will NEVER eat 

mustard.

the caveman

when we were at the boat a mosquito bit my eyebrow.  it swelled up so bad.  and i had to tell everyone not to look at me.

Marmaduke: only the 2nd worst comic strip ever

If they make a movie about Family Circus, I'm out. I mean it. I'm taking a rocket. I'm packing my suitcase. And I'm pitching a tent in the telestial kingdom, where there are liars and sorcerers and adulterers and whoremongers. And together, we will drink and swear and feel the sweet freedom in forgetting the moronic existence of Jeffy or Billy or PJ or that cooze Dolly.

When you see something you want, you latch on to it,

smother it; then you stroke it and put it under your shirt

so it can't escape or breathe.

- B.A.B.

31 rapid-fire poems from a fridge we once loved

1) Cold house
2) Fat monster ate soft black boy

3) The bat hero missed his mom

4) Super bone

5) Do me
6) I steal gold
7) He has a big hairy troll

8) Dinosaur battle

9) TV lullaby

10) Danger because giant zombie woman is beautiful
11) Hook is a bad man
12) Alien beam kit
13) Moon captain planet

14) Pig can not float

15) Gassy princess
16) Her clever heart will live
17) Eye ooze
18) I want to be on you wait
19) Trap appear fall love
20) It’s a mutant bite
21) I shot that cat
22) Grow to be old and good
23) Do you like my transport?
24) Nice inside attack
25) Weird face off
26) We sleep too much
27) Magic gun story of enchanted wet dreams
(i do believe #27 is from the souls of jay and jeff)
28) We escape loudly
29) Naughty mean gazes
30) Starship down
31) The gentle rocket exploded.

best doggone dog in the west

"Remember how sad that movie is?"
"What part?"
"Uh, the part where the boy has to shoot his pet dog."

Seriously?

first things i'd save if ever there were a fire

Trailer Tales: in which we meet a new friend

He was the road scraper and he carried a half empty bottle of Jagermeister. He introduced himself as Todd. He had a gruff voice, a beard worthy of Al Borland, and a strong handshake. Then he said, "I was hoping you'd come home. I wanted to tell you there's a bear around here. And it's BIG. Did you see the big pile of shit by the shop?" I said yes I had. Todd said we had to go take a closer look at it. It wasn't just a normal pile of shit; this was a big bear we were waging war against.

On our walk to the see the shit, Todd offered me a swig of the Jager, but I was slightly afeared and said, "Nay, thank you." We arrived at the shitpile none too soon, after Todd had said 'shit' no less that 10 times, and 'fuck' on the greater side of 7.5. Todd kindly pointed out that the bear also wizzed right next to where it defecated. This bear, this beast of burden, was one cocky son of a gun.  Then Todd scared the shit out of me. He told me this bear was huge; it knew what is was doing when it peed and pooed there, and it WILL kill me if I let it have the chance. He asked if I had a gun. I said yes and revealed what kind. Todd roared, "THAT AIN'T GONNA DO IT! If you come upon it, shoot it in the shoulders and run like hell."

And here's the crazy part. Todd threw his hat on the ground, and underneath the ballcap was a beautiful mane. It was thick, fully covering his scalp, and had a silver glow of wisdom. It stood up on end and blew slightly in the evening breeze. I was stunned, more stunned than I had been when minutes before, Todd revealed a more genteel side as he named the mountain flowers that were in bloom. The lovely locks were completely unexpected as all I had been able to see this whole time was his nappy beard, which I wrongly assumed continued up and around the lower half of his head. Unconcerned with my gaping mouth, Todd went on to explain that he knows bears because he lived with them in Alaska. They've had a few chats, Todd and the bears. When he said he was part bear, afterall, I just simply nodded. Then I spat on the ground.

As he started to drive back into the woods, I hollered, "Which part?" Todd grinned and said, "The beard."

This blog

is my happy place.

shoot off!

"That thing was loaded!?!"
"I always keep it loaded. Except when Brittany came to visit;
I took all the bullets out."

I wanna walk like you, talk like you, ooooo. You see it's truuue, and ape like meee can learn to be like someone like you. Take it home daddy! Can learn to be like someone like meee.

"Remember when we couldn't stop singing the Jungle Book?"

"It was terrible."

"We had to beg to be stopped."

Seeing is believing

I like that I've seen Julie's trailer park and can now visualize the stories she tells me.  Such as "I was digging through the woodpile today and saw a tick."  and  "Guess who just drained their car battery using their laptop! me. i did.  now i have to walk up the gd hill."  And I know that hill now. I know how it will suck the breath right out of you so you can't even curse at it.

there's that hill and if you look real close there might be a trailer

i wanted to be called The Great One, but my parents made me be Little Bear

"Remember that indian princess thing you did with your dad when you were little?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I was thinking if I had been in it, I'd have wanted my name to be Elk Kid. Because it's so hard to say."

Why would anyone eat anything other than breakfast food?

from me to you: don't wear your pj's to the buffet breakfast in Berlin.  the dress code is business casual.  and don't sit at the table with no dishes because that means the table is "not yet ready for your grubby american mitts" and don't use double negatives

mr. good-lookin blondie should just be glad he didn't catch us making our brie sandwich lunches. 
rule followers.

shout out to my peeps

I'd like to give a shout out to BAB's parents. For always feeding me, for letting me dye my hair in your house, and for that time you came to my college graduation and afterwards explained, "We couldn't cry harder than your mom, so we held it back a little." Sorry I made that joke as I was leaving on Sunday about BAB taking me "all the way." Saying ttfn to you is always hard for me to cope with.

Anyways,

SHOUT OUT, Rick and Toni!

Thank you, weirdo checkout guy at Target

for looking at a pair of children's Mario-themed peejays and saying with all seriousness, "These are nice."

yeah, they are. when you're still wetting the bed and you like how the cheap polyester doesn't absorb much urine.

she gets me

"It was effing hot at work today. like 35C hot, and i tell you Celsius not because you understand it but because that's all our thermometers are in. think of it like this, the human bod is 37C. so basically what i'm saying is i wasn't in the mood to drink my hot tea this morning."

She can't help herself.

Bridal shower game question #6: What was Amy and Jeff's combined birth weight?

JAN: "Before or after they removed the extra head on Amy's back?"




Note: there are no appropriate pictures for this one.

You can sit in the back row alone.

That sea dragon ride scares the shit out of me every time.  

Remember our version of Tour de Fat: drive to DQ and eat a peanut buster parfait.

Julie's first words

after Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
"How OLD is McGonagall?"

That lady has been old since Hook in 1991.

A Bear Burrito

obvious

One time at JFK airport, BAB was thirsty. As she drank from the waterfountain, I closely watched her back from a savvy distance so as to be able to protect that which I love most, should anyone try anything cunning. It was at this time that an elusive fellow looked from me, who stood alert in my batman hoodie, to BAB, who drank with great fervor, and asked, "Is she Robin?"

Dude. We're both Batman.

Remember Chumbawamba?

pffffffffffff.

risky business

The risk is that there's a good chance you'll be bored to death.

spirit of a war hero

Brittany says that when I wear my bomber jacket, I drive "with attitude" and "reckless abandonment." Uh, yeah. I should hope so. My grandpa John, who shot down planes in the Philippines during WWII, didn't only teach me to love the taste of beer.

we'll FF through this one

"They're making a movie about Nazis that fled to space and built a colony but are coming back to earth! I'm so excited."

"And the TWIST will be that they're Jewish."

I'll put it on my resume.

Turns out a nose whistle, when living in the mountains, sounds exactly like coyotes howling in the distant night. Beautiful.

Sort of.

She did it. She actually friggin did it.

BAB is busting balls. LITERALLY. It's all a semi-amateur-pro racquetball player ever truly dreams of. Well, that, and getting a black eye.

Let's take a picture of ourselves. It'll be so rad.

Brittany The Ventriloquist.

And I like JAN because

she updates me on her crafting.

Hungarians are strong people.

try, try again.

Step out of the box, Cody. Cody! Step OUT of the box.

Seems to me, once little dudes can remember to step out of the goddam box, they're headed for the big leagues.

I like BAB because she says things like this:

"It's weird dragons aren't real."
"... Is it?"
"Yeah."

confession:

sometimes when i listen to "we will rock you," i get goosebumps.

but then again, i also get goosebumps thinking about taking a nap with a residual ring of chocolate milk around my lips. so it doesn't mean much, i suppose.

This needs to be cleared up

Leonardo: Sports the blue bandana.  Kills with two ninjaken, aka swords, and is the alpha male.
Michelangelo: Orange like half a tiger.  Weapon of choice, nunchaku.  Radical free-spirit.
Donatello: Wears the ever classy purple and rocks the bō staff.  Sciency nerd.
Raphael: Red bandana clearly depicts his bad-boy image.  Strikes with the sai. 

Study up, because we're not going over this again.

julie vs. wild

I've been living in the wilderness for almost a week.

Believe it or not, growing the beard was the easiest part.

i miss my best friend, though. she's really good at cleaning carcass.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

Thanks for forgetting to take the pill that fateful day.

Those aren't beers, they're iced teas

"What are those kids doing in a bar?"

"They haven't even graduated from D.A.R.E."

"ohhh, so they don't know about huffing."

Burnt Hair.

Lit candles.  When smelled too close are all the same scent.

wiener meets bun

Bab's favorite part about the drive-in.

Or so I assume from all the giggling.

dear jan,

good luck in the mountains.  don't get lost in the woods.  i'll pray against the bears every night.

hate you but also love you dearly,
bab

Earl

They need to make some sort of machine that separates the water from the oil.

That or get a bunch of birds and otters to clean it up with their feathers and fur.

supportive hecklers

"I hope you packed your bags! Because you just took a long... travel...? I still have to work on that one."

"It has such potential."

movin' on up!

My BAB,

Congratulations on the new house, palsie.

till we meet again,

i remain your JAN

ps. If you don't mind, I'll still hold on to my dream of us sharing a bunkbed someday.