Heir of Slytherin?

JAN: Then I turned around and the snake was literally in the air. I'm a parslemouth.
BAB: But will you use it for good or evil?
JAN: I don't know Brittany, I just don't know.

to defrost a pea or not to defrost a pea

do you feel bad when you don't scroll down and feed the fish a few times? i do. Sometimes i even whisper words of encouragement to them, like, "If you ever doubt, just remember, not everyone was a fan of Abe Lincoln during his day."

then i remember my real fish i have waiting to be fed and they're all the way downstairs. and i'm like, "F." and then maybe they get fed and maybe they don't.

no shit.

wait wait wait. all these years of wondering and you're telling

me i was supposed to let the evil Dr. Robotnik HELP me?

mind bottling.

game gear would have been way more fun if i'd known how to pass level 3.

"yeah, he lost 'em good!"

i call green mallet

sure this game is fun.

for like 0.2 seconds.

Check out the goober up front that's trying to model for the picture.  I can tell you he's not wearing a speedo because Glenwood is a family place where we ask for a little courtesy.

Nice Sideburns

The hardest part of graduating from college was trying to not look super lame in the cap.  

Impossible!

Are you there Julie? It's me, Brittany.

I think she' been avoiding me this weekend.  Answer your phone JAN!

but not you, mark wahlberg. you're pretty badass.

10 bucks says right after this Mark Wahlberg shot that dog.

and insulted its mother.

sticking with you

Friday Thank You's

Every Friday I sit down and write my weekly thank you notes, wait no, that's Jimmy Fallon.  ANYways

Thank you, Dad, for being cranky tonight, the night I decided to ditch Julie and stay home and eat the tasty turkey dinner mom made.  I liked the part when I came to talk to you and you had a scowl on your face.   So thanks for making me think to myself "I shoulda gone to Julie's."

Brittany

betrothed

we used to play this game when we were little called,
"In the 10th car we pass is the man you're going to marry."
i guess i should explain.
basically, when it was your turn, you'd sit there while everyone else slowly counted every car we passed and in the 10th car was the unsuspecting man you were going to marry. and you'd look over and giggle and we'd voice our appraisals.
and then it would be my turn.
and i'd look over to find this waiting for me:

and i would mutter to myself, "Aw, nuts."

tiny dancer

"I wish this was called tickle me pink" "Instead of tickled pink?" "Yes"

JAN and I agree that martinis look more impressive when they come in the tall glasses. Also, if ours had been in the tall glasses, Julie would have definitely knocked hers onto the floor, creating an awkward situation which we would get to laugh about later.

two scoops, please

One time B & I were playing Scattergories and it was "Things found in a Desert."
B wrote "plums" and I wrote "pecans."

the woes of me

remember how you always ended your bedtime prayers with, "And please God, don't let them put me in the Boo-Box. Please please please please please, Amen."

you know what i was just thinking to myself?

I was thinking, I bet the real Laura Ingalls didn't have an overbite.

And it looks like I am correct.

(Note to Julie: Thank you for posting that picture of Almanzo, "The Babe," Wilder, thus inspiring me to re-read the series, thus inspiring me to think about the real Laura Ingalls and how I think she was probably super adorable with no overbite, and thus encouraging me to talk to my dad about how I'm reading the books and him confessing that HE had read them all when he was younger.  Thank You.)

Would we be even funnier if we were Canadians?  You betcha.

recruiting commies

knew i had found a best friend the day she asked me if i ever had to watch that silent film where the kids are chasing a red balloon & when i said indeed i had in 4th grade, she leaned in & whispered, "what the hell was that all about?"

text. text text.

"i wish i would have worn a bra so i could take off my coat."

"i was just thinking to myself, 'i miss that bra-less ho.'"

"you wouldn't believe how hot it is in here. it's like really really hot."

"hot enough to take your coat off?"

"no. but i DID unzip."

That's Miss N. to You, ya little bastards!

Yep, she's a teacher now.

pay attention

welcome to the PEN15 club

in 10th grade spanish, i witnessed a miracle. my friend (hi amanda!) and i were somehow able to balance 7 pens on top of eachother. SEVEN PENS. and then one day a tiny fairy appeared and asked which way to neverland and we were like, "Second star to the right and straight on till morning, dummy." it was also in this class that my teacher heard me say something along the lines of being in her class was equivalent to being in the fiery pits of hell and she made me stay after and clean her room. some people are so sensitive when it comes to analogies.

melodrama to the tune of enya

You know what's not as cool as living with your best friend?

Living with your parents.

Ah nuts.

Speaking of The Parenthood

If Julie hadn't said anything I would've never EVER suspected.

 and

 

SAME GUY!!!!!

You know why Steve Martin doesn't age?

Because he's a vampire.  

Here's Steve circa 1989 starring in Parenthood, one of the most relevant movies of the decade which also produced a number of tunes about diarrhea that we still sing today.

And here's our main man in 2003 starring in Bringing Down the House, a movie you only need to see once because it gets worse and worse each time you watch it.

Almost 15 years later and still no difference. Fishy.

family taco night

tonight was taco night and i got scolded because i put some of my excess cheese back into the communal cheese bowl. like we all hadn't just stuck our grubby mitts in there anyways.

BAB would have NEVER been mad at such an act. in fact, she probably would have said, "whoa buddy! let's kill the middle man." and opened her mouth.

i miss her.

the smell of hate

If I ever handwrite some hatemail, I'll definitely use Mr. Sketch's Scented black marker. Not only will the words be bitter, but the stench of anise will give an extra punch of meaness. Which pleases me.