a story to tell

"I've fallen a few times while running.  The worst was when I had the dog leash tied around my waist and he bolted after a rabbit while we were running down a hill.  I fell over and he dragged me behind him."



"Ooo you're the only person who's allowed to laugh, but you couldn't because you were being pulled through the dirt."

Vibram shoes never cease to surprise me when I see them on someone's feet and make me chuckle.

Thanks, Uncle Bert.

"Julie, with that hair and those glasses, you know who you kind of look like?"
"Don't insult me..."

"You know the guy from Wayne's World?"

I do know the guy from Wayne's World. His name is Garth:

and this makes me wonder how mean his insult would be.

congratulations, you're the fattest kid in camp!

Enjoy the day, jive turkeys.

and I'm thankful for:

1) sprinkles on my yogurt

2) knowing i have a back-up kidney in BAB, which let's me live a little more recklessly, put a little more rum in everything

3) the voice of Tom Hanks

4) new understanding when i read ee cummings
5) the story of when bab's mom's family moved her to a farm and they were terrible farmers and then one day they forced her to go behead the goose for dinner and then the headless body flopped around and sprayed her with blood and ultimately, i fear, broke a bit of her soul.

6) the pre-decapitated turkey that is currently baking in the oven.

America's one food tradition

I am thankful for: #1 A friend who makes me laugh a little too hard #2 Cranberry sauce in a can and #3 A show from 1937 which exhibited to my father how to properly carve a turkey in front of none-so-friendly in-laws.

Happy Thanksgiving!

"It's not made with ox bone?"

"No, it's ox tail.  I looked it up and there were super gross pictures of it cut up into tiny pieces simmering in broth."


So I sat and learned the true origins of my lunch thinking about how Laura Ingalls loved to eat roasted pigs tail and finished off my Phở.

Who eats an apple at the movies?

The lady sitting beside me, of course! That's the kind of life I lead. And even though it was during the IMAX viewing of HPvii Part 1 - sacred, if you will - it didn't make me so much annoyed as it did make me start laughing hysterically with every ill-timed CRUNCH. The kind of silent laughter where you're just shaking and crying and getting really hot and you can see your BFFL shaking in your peripherals so you can't stop. Ever. As she crunches what is either 10 different apples or the world's largest apple (because it's been at least 40 minutes since she first began this endeavor), you come to the point where you're trying to hold it in because this is the part where Ron comes back! (heartwrenching) but alas, the snacking is just too absurd and you're snorting in a scene in which you never thought you could do anything but weep. The truth is that ultimately, you're rooting for her to Get To That Core! because you're honestly a little concerned how long it's taking her. You're in this together now; this is your Horcrux to destroy.  

Hangin out this weekend, gettin crunk.

if you think we're annoying now, imagine this:

Back when the stars were aligned and Brittany and I were allowed to live together, we used to speak fake parseltongue a lot just to annoy our lame rommates and entertain ourselves. Parseltongue is the language of serpents and of those who can converse with them. An individual who can speak Parseltongue is known as a Parselmouth. It is a very uncommon skill, often hereditary. Parseltongue is, when spoken, a hissing sound comparable to the reptilian snake; as such, normal people can not understand it.

As it turned out, we were really believable fake parseltmouths. So much so that our roommates quit saying how dumb we were and instead would ask, "Well, what'd she say that time?" And BAB wouldn't miss a hiss and reveal, "She wants mac'n'cheese with bits of hotdog sprinkled on top." And then I'd get a little scared because it would be exactly what I was saying. And then we would laugh and laugh because we always thought we were the funniest people in the room. The end.

butt wipe

"He won't use them because he thinks they smell bad."
"As opposed to poop?!"

VW: averting filial piety since Hitler first demanded a car for his aryan peeps in 1938

I enjoy driving a car that causes children to punch their parents in the arm without fear of retribution.

Slugbug Law. Deal with it.

she takes the insults as personally as i do

I'd like to thank Brittany for not only dying my hairs but for also being the only person on earth that defends them against the never ending "your hair looks like balls" comments made by my family. If my hair was Whitney Houston, Brittany would be Kevin Costner.


and I will always love youuuuuuu.

Cat Fancy

I had no idea it was a true magazine and real life people get subscriptions to it.

Our ignorance can scare anyone.

JAN and I really scared the poo out of Josh in Italy when we asked, "Did the gas pump lady know to fill the car with diesel?"  Of course she knew!  But I think what we were trying to get across was that we would've filled the tank with regular.

we got our paybacks in the form of whiplash.

whelp,

I didn't get the teaching job at BAB's old high school. 

But, that's ok.

I still have Plan B in my back pocket:

Hug a veteran.

If my grandpa was here today, I would tell him, "Hey Grandpa, thanks for shooting all those nazi's." and I would kiss him on the cheek.

105°F with a humidity of 40%

It is believed by many (mostly just me and BAB) that one day I will be in search of a nap. In my quest for a perfect relaxation place, I will enter a Bikram yoga studio, where I will lie down on a mat and sleep contentedly. As I soak in the quiet meditation of others around me, I will peacefully munch on a bag of puffy cheetos. They will try to drag me out of the room, but I won't be moved. And I'll be too sweaty for them to get a good grip. And then suddenly with my cheesy fingers, I'll float above everyone else, having reached nirvana.

"You! You! No, not you. YOU!"

When you're bad, "Captain Julie Hook" will put you in the poo box.  Where she'll drop bits of poo on you.

sorry about the word "crotch"

"You know how sometimes your underwear pulls your crotch-hair and you're like, 'Ow-wee.' You know?"
"... Yeah, I know."

corn cob pipes

Finally, something to aptly compliment our adorable button-noses. 

And Bab's coal-eyes.

keep it on a rope

While showering last night, I dropped the soap. It hit the top bone of my right foot and I swore and now there is a small bruise to show me exactly where the slight ache is coming from. I finally understand why people are always telling prison-bound lads "Don't drop the soap!" because it hurts. And, like,  being in prison isn't bad enough without having bruises on your feet. Plus, there's all that raping to worry about.

"A Bull Fighting Class?!?!"

"No, no.  I said, 'I'm going to a book binding class.'"

I should be so cool.

Did you know THAT

we spent our entire $20 prize money from the sandcastle contest on ice cream?

Now you know.

Fight or Flight

When it comes to a dog fight, my instincts tell me to stay out of it and try to block all spectators so they do the same.

They ought to make Mission Impossible: 4 actually impossible.

"Whoa, who is this?"

"It's Tom Waits!  You'll know him from Shrek 2.  'I like my town, with a little drop of poison.'  Or Mystery Men, he's the crazy scientist in it."

"I never saw Mystery Men, what song from Shrek 2 were you singing?"

"Your loss, I can't do it again."

What is this, weed?!

I got swindled into buying expensive tea this weekend by a fast-talking asian woman who wouldn't take 1 ounce for an answer.